Not so fast, my friends.

This past Friday night, I went to a nearby Studio City, CA bar with some co-workers to have a night cap. Whist at the bar, a co-worker of mine was introducing me to some of his friends that came out to join us. During the introductions, my associate was capitalizing on every chance possible to make fun of the fact I was from Indiana.

Minutes later, Guns 'N' Roses came on the jukebox and that very same associate went into a spiel about how he loves GNR. I instantly threw it in everyone's collective face that Axl Rose is from Indiana. When he replied with "Yeah, and that's about it," I struck back with The Jackson 5 (Michael Freaking Jackson), Janet Jackson, John Mellencamp and Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds. Everyone kind of went quiet at that point, myself included. I mean, I have always known about these people being from Indiana, but I guess I had just never thought about all of them at one time. That is a pretty impressive list when you sit (or stand) and think about it. Everybody respects that list-as was exhibited by the impromptu moment of silence that came over our entire group in the middle of a raucous bar. You would have thought it was the 7th inning stretch and that some NYPD officer was singing “America The Beautiful” or something.

Quick, give me the names of five recording artists that epic from your home state (I’m talking born and raised people). Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Admittedly, I rag on my home state of Indiana from time to time when it helps a joke come to life. It is different when people you don’t know are just ragging on your home state because of stereotypes. If they have visited and are making an informed observation, then I can at least respect that. But, you can’t knock a place solely based on what you have grown up hearing about it (unless it is Canada). Or, I guess you can, but I will just have to clap back at you.

In an effort to cast my home state in a positive light for once, I have compiled a list of extremely prominent people from Indiana that everyone (even Californians who have never visited Indiana) will recognize.



MUSIC


Michael Freaking Jackson – no descriptor needed.

The Jackson 5 - Classic. Classicly Classic.

Janet Jackson - Epic.

John Mellencamp - You know you sing his stuff. Let’s just be honest with one another.

Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds - Remember those songs you liked in the 80’s, 90’s and 2000’s? He wrote them. All of them.

Axl Rose - “Sweet Child Of Mine.” “November Rain.” HAVE SOME.

David Lee Roth - He started that whole “tight jeans” thing. Also a musician.



HOOP


Larry bird - The man.

John Wooden - The other man.

Oscar Robertson - Like Wilt Chamberlain, only with (I am guessing here) about 9,800 less sexual conquests.

Greg Oden - #1 overall pick in 2007 NBA draft.

Eric Gordon - The L.A. Clippers’ first-round draft pick last year.

Bonzi Wells - Moron, but he can ball.

Shawn Kemp - Bigger moron, but he could really take it to the hole. He also played basketball.

Zach Randolph - I held him to 13 points in 7th grade (I was 5’ 9,” he was already 6’ 5”).


THE PASTTIME


Don Mattingly - One of the most popular New York Yankees of all-time, and kind enough to pause for a picture with me at Disneyworld.



ENTERTAINERS


David Letterman – This is my dude right here.

Jane Pauley. Yup.

Steve McQueen. For serious.

Sydney Pollack. Seriously.

James Dean. Seriously, what?

Jenna Fischer. Best known for her work on an American television situation comedy called “The Office.”

Greg Kinnear. He is just so dang solid. Always playing the “unassuming guy” role and stealing the show while doing so. I love him because he is from Logansport, IN and because he does amazing work. I hate him because he kissed my girlfriend Tina Fey in “Baby Mama.” I love you Greg, but suck me.



?????????????


Jeff Gordon and Tony Stewart – I have no idea myself, but I am told these two are prominent Nascar drivers. I have no idea myself, but I am told “Nascar” has to do with “auto racing.” I have no idea myself, but I am told that “auto racing” involves “driving cars in a circle over and over again until the participants become too disinterested to continue and a winner is somehow declared.” Again, I have no idea.

Chuck Taylor – If this name doesn’t get plenty of Cali Love, then I cannot think of one that would. Everyone in The Fornia skates Chuck Teezies. Seriously, big up to Charlie Taylor. Recognize game in your face, bitches.

The Todd – The famous blogster, comedian, screenwriter, producer, DJ, rapper, songwriter, photographer, entrepreneur, fashion icon, trend setter, cheerleader prom dater and supermodel heartbreaker.

As the literate ones can see, a lot of talent has been grown and honed in Indiana. Respect due. Check yourselves before you wreck yourselves.


In conclusion…


MICHAEL FREAKING JACKSON.

See you at "The Crossroads."

Larry Bird bitches,


You’re welcome.

-Todd

"Welcome to L.A."

This ain’t no Disco; nor is it a country club.

For those that do not already know, I just moved to L.A…Los Ang…Floss Angeles.

I have officially hit the 3-month mark, and I have a few comments…

I live in North Hollywood’s “Historic Arts district.” That phrase sounds really cool until you realize what it means. Allow me to break it down:


“Historic” = rundown, forgotten about, left for dead.

“Arts District” = hippies…everywhere.


Most people call North Hollywood “NOHO,” but I refuse to do so. It seems a little too “New York is really cool, so why don’t we jock them” for my personal taste (officially, I think it is cheesy that NY does this with their neighborhoods as well). The one good thing about a new-agey acronym for a neighborhood means that a few rich real-estate developers have decided to sink loads of money into rebuilding the community in an attempt to turn the neighborhood around and make trillions of dollars.

All in all, I like North Hollywood. I spent most of my life living in the middle of nowhere with no one around. I decided it was time to mix it up and opt for a place crawling with hippies, hipsters, skaters, blaring sirens and all-night, cash-only, non-English speaking taco stands. I was desperate for a change and North Hollywood seems to be a decent fit.

The worst thing about moving to L.A. so far actually has not been the traffic, the fires or the smog. It is people saying “Welcome to L.A.” to me every 15 seconds.

For some reason, that phrase really makes me want to choke people. No matter the circumstances under which this phrase occurs, it always seems to carry a sort of condescending tone that sends me over the edge.

It is hilarious to me to hear people smirk and utter “Welcome to L.A., man” with an inflection that makes me seem like the most ignorant, backward, unrefined person in the world. I may have moved here from Indiana, but I have also visited nearly half of the states in America, went to college in Florida and have been to three countries in Europe. It’s not like this is my first time seeing celebrities, Ferraris or paying $20 for a drink.

The best part is that the jerks that I hear this phrase from were in my exact same position two years ago. Hence, I honestly feel like it bothers people as much as it bothers me to hear this phrase, but since they had it done to them, they feel the need to be “seasoned veteran L.A. know-it-all guy” whenever they get the chance to return the favor. I guess this somehow makes people feel better about themselves since they felt so inferior the first time someone tried to make them feel like an idiot by welcoming them to L.A.

The best part is when people that I know for a fact are also transplants and have only lived out here for a couple of years drop this phrase on me. I have come to learn not to ever mention anything remotely interesting I see, or anything irregular that occurs, for if I do, I am only asking to hear this infuriating phrase.

I have decided to never…ever…use the phrase “Welcome to (insert any place on Earth here).” Although, if I wanted to, I am curious as to when I am allowed to play the “seasoned veteran L.A. guy” act on another person. Six months, one year, what is the ruling on that? When do you get to move on from “clueless new guy” to “informed jerk off guy?” At any rate, this whole thing needs to stop before fatalities occur.

A couple of times since I have moved here, massive fires have broken out. I must admit, the fire thing is pretty scary. Every ten minutes, my TV show will get interrupted because a new fire has popped up in yet another location. It is really scary for me, because I do not know much about the local geography, so I am clueless as to whether or not the fires are near me or not. The scariest part is that I am too lazy to get on the computer and Google map it to find out. For all I know, I could be surrounded by fires and marked for death. I really am a lazy piece. It truly sucks when the sky is black and North Hollywood smells like a campfire. But, since some people lose their lives and houses during these disastrous fires, I try to keep my fire complaining to a minimum.

Another thing I have noticed is that everyone is obsessed with celebrities…but vehemently denies it. They all claim celebrity sightings are “common,” that it is “not a big deal anymore” and that I will “get used to it.” Nothing could be further from the truth. The only thing people ever talk to me about is who they saw at the grocery store, the restaurant, the gas station or at the club last night.

Everyone gets a rush from standing in line at Starbucks next to someone they have grown accustomed to having a “TV only” relationship with. I mean, it’s kind of surreal. Why do people have such a problem owning this? I sure don’t. If I saw Jay-Z right now, I would soil myself, fight the urge to pass out…and then hand him my resume (hopefully sans urine). There, was that so hard? Look, I know you, so I know exactly what kind of “work, eat, sleep, repeat” life you live. So, as embarrassing as it may seem, let’s not act like seeing Hilary Duff at Coffee Bean yesterday wasn’t the most exciting thing that has happened to you in the last six months (since your last celebrity sighting). Be for real.

Now, for a few highlights:


Celebrities!!! – Although no one in L.A. would have you believe it, being constantly surrounded by famous, rich, successful people is actually kind of nice. At least there is a 0.0006 chance I could be discovered by, or land a date with, one of these powerful people while in line at the grocery store. The same could not be said, however, about all of the Newport-smoking townies that I stood on line with at the grocery in Indianapolis. You know, not a lot of reasons to be handing those folks my resume and demo.


The Weather. – Today in Indianapolis, it was 36 degrees. It was 80 degrees today in L.A.

End of explanation.


“18 Dummy.” - Being a huge Hip-Hop fan, I know a lot of slanguage. I have long been a fan of West Coast music, so I was familiar with the phrase “18 Dummy” way before I ever moved out here. It just feels good to finally live in a place where people commonly use this expression in everyday conversation. For those not familiar, it means “getting super stupid drunk on Jose Cuervo1800 tequila.” Not that I would ever do such a thing (because Patron is waaaay more smooth).


Seriously, next time you are talking to your friends about going out to get drunk, instead of saying that you are “going to get so drunk tonight,” say you are “going18 Dummy.” I promise you’ll have more fun.

That’s it for now (but not even close to the last of it).


You’re welcome.

-Todd

"'Straight Reggie Bushin'."

It’s that time of year again where they crown the Heisman Trophy recipient. Seeing as how I am the biggest College Football fan in the world, one would assume I would have some level of interest in seeing who the award goes to.

Erroneous.

I could not give less of a shat.

The Heisman Trophy blows and I will explain why.


1 – Quarterbacks always win.


Seven out of the last ten recipients have been quarterbacks and I do not see this trend ending anytime soon.

Running backs are the only other position that has a chance at the award and even they only seem to win the HT over quarterbacks when the quarterbacks nominated are underclassmen, or play in a weak/non-BCS conference.

Matt Leinert was handed a 2004 Heisman trophy that belonged to Reggie Bush. Anyone who watched even half of USC’s games in 2004 knows this. Leinert took a really nice snap. He also handed off beautifully. What Leinert did NOT do was single-handedly procure USC’s perfect season by breaking off huge runs on handoffs and pass receptions from both the running back and receiver positions, or run back numerous 4th quarter punt and kickoff returns for touchdowns and huge gains that lead to game-winning scores when the offense was struggling and USC was looking dead into the eyes of a loss. The guy that DID do that stuff was Reggie Bush.

Adrian Peterson tore up the Big 12 as a freshman at Oklahoma, but lost the trophy to his quarterback Jason White. Who? Exactly. In White’s defense, he threw for 40 touchdowns with only eight interceptions. But, why do you think the receivers were always open? The correct answer is “because A.P. had been running through 8-man fronts and gashing the opposing team with the running game all day long.” If Peterson had gone to Baylor, White would have never put up good enough numbers to win that trophy.

Now, I try not to get into the whole “such and such player won the Heisman but never got drafted, or never did anything in the NFL so he didn’t deserve the award.” College and NFL football are extremely different and the Heisman Trophy and the NFL have little correlation in my eyes (See “Charlie Ward” and “Rashaan Salaam”). Given this, I am not arguing that Peterson deserved the award over White due to the fact that Adrian Peterson is now one of the top three running backs in the NFL and Jason White is pumping gas. I am arguing that Peterson deserved the award because he was the better player in 2003.

The Heisman is a freaking joke.



2 – Underclassmen cannot win it (even when they deserve it).


Well, this part was true until last year when Florida’s Tim Tebow became the first underclassman in HT history to win this popularity contest.

How could anyone even need to think about last year’s voting? Tebow threw for 29 touchdowns and rushed for another 22 scores…IN THE SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE. He became the first “20-20” guy in the history of College Football and did so in the roughest, toughest conference in the sport. Those that did not vote for Tebow were either paid off, idiots, blind and deaf, far too loyal to the candidate that was in the running that attended his alma mater, or some combination of all these reasons.

I am still shocked that they didn’t hand 2007’s to Arkansas’ Darren McFadden simply because Tebow was a sophomore. This makes me want to believe there is hope, but there isn’t.

Michael Vick destroyed everyone, led his team to an 11-0 season and ALMOST beat Florida State by himself in the National Championship game as a 19-year old and yet lost the trophy that year to Ron Dayne.

In 1999, Michael Vick did not lose to Ron Dayne’s 1999 season. In 1999, Vick lost to Dayne’s entire body of work over his 4-year career at Wisconsin that just happened to include Dayne breaking the all-time NCAA rushing record as a senior. So, they could have either given the HT to one of the top three most dynamic freshmen in history, or to a senior running back with impressive career statistics. And…they did what they always do.

Michael Vick did NOT win the Heisman in either of his years at Virginia Tech. Really?!!!? REALLY?!!!? Someone please name me one “collegiate” that was more “outstanding” during those two years. No one? Again, exactly. Further, if you answered “Ron Dayne,” “Joe Hamilton,” “Chris Weinke,” or Josh “Heupel” you were incorrect and should slap yourself.

The Heisman is a freaking joke.



3 – No one is allowed to win the award twice.


In 2004, Matt Leinert was handed Reggie Bush’s trophy because everyone knew Bush had to stay for one more year because he was only a sophomore and needed to play through his junior season before he could leave for the NFL. And, since everyone knew Bush was a freak that could not be stopped by anything not named “Torn ACL,” the voters knew he would run away with the trophy in 2005…and we cannot possibly ever have a player win two Heisman’s while he is in college.

The old boys that vote for the Heisman seem to steadfastly stand by the rules that no underclassman will ever win the award (unless it is “Tebow Obvious”) and also that no one is ever going to win two of them again because they are still in love with Archie Griffin being the only person to ever do so. This is so sick, twisted and contrived that I cannot associate myself with it.

FYI, I blame Brent Musberger for the whole “no two-time winners…every” thing. He talks about Archie Griffin being the only two-time Heisman winner about 53 times during every game he announces (in between incessant uses of the word “folks” and oft homoerotic statements about his love affair with the quarterbacks playing in the game he is currently announcing).

They claim the Heisman Trophy goes to the “Most Outstanding Player in Collegiate Football.” In actuality, the HT goes to “the quarterback from the sexiest team still ranked in the top 3 at the end of the season---as long as that player is not a freshman or sophomore or in line to possibly collect two awards in his four years of college football.”

Michael Vick should have won two trophies. Reggie Bush should have won two as well. Between them, they ended up with one. Collectively, Chris Weinke and Eric Crouch have two. F me.

After this blog, I refuse to ever engage in conversations about the Heisman, listen to analysts engage in conversations about the Heisman, or watch the actual trophy presentation until they give me an official vote for the award and I can commence talking some sense into the other idiots that vote for the wrong players every year.

The only solution is to let me head up the Heisman committee. I will appoint a cabinet of Kirk Kerbstreit, Chris Fowler, Rece Davis, my friend Darren, my bagel guy, The Queen, The Vatican and The Rothchilds. We would quit our respective jobs, watch every single snap of every single game, conference call thrice weekly to hold everyone accountable and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion known as “The Meadows.” Then, we would come together at the end of the season and get this thing right. Until this day comes, I’m out.

The Heisman is a freaking joke. In fact, I am not even capitalizing it anymore (not that anyone is going to notice, because I am never writing about it every again). No disrespect to the trophy’s namesake, Mr. John Heisman. It’s not you John, it’s the voters.

The heisman is a freaking joke.


You’re welcome.

-Todd




In an attempt to end this thing on a happy note, I will leave you with one of my favorite videos…

Six months of awesome.

I just noticed that it has been six months since I started this blog.

Wow.

As flaky as I am, I have been able to post at least one entry for each of the last six months. That’s like, half a year.

I feel compelled to admit that this is one of the greatest accomplishments of my life (as embarrassing as that may seem). But honestly, when the only other thing I have ever accomplished is being named league MVP of my coaches pitch baseball team when I was nine, it’s easy to see how my blog ranks so highly on my “all-time” list.

In honor of this six month anniversary, I am asking you all to celebrate the greatness of this blog my sharing it with someone who may not know about it-but would appreciate the hell out of it. It could be your mom, your brother, your co-workers, that hot chick you can never think of a reason to start a conversation with, or maybe your cell mate. I mean, we all like to laugh, right?

So, (raising imaginary champagne glass) “Here’s to me”…I guess…or something…

You’re welcome.

-Todd

New Cell Phooooone!

Two years.

Two years can seem so short, and at the same time, so long.

In some respects, the past two years seem like a blur. Two of my sisters got married, one of those sisters also had a baby, my “little” brother started college and I changed jobs twice (one that necessitated a move across the country).

During that very same two-year span, millions of fresh-ass phone models have come out and I have been stuck stuntin’ a throwback Blackberry (who’s back plate likes to arbitrarily fall off of the phone housing and let the battery and SIM card fall out-prompting a dropped call, loss of any currently unsaved data, and a 5-minute reboot). So, with respect to my cell phone contract, the past two years have been slooooowly creeping by as I was counting the days until my contract ended and I was a “free agent.”

I refuse to switch up phones before reaching “free agent” status. I will not let those bastards milk me for any more money than they already do. Thus, I like to play out my contract, get the “Free RAZR or $200 toward any new phone with a two-year re-up” option on the table and make outlandish demands to whoever happens to be my current wireless provider.

Most recently, I was Blackberry’d up with T-Mobile. Their service is balls cheap, so I figured, “Why pay more to have the same Blackberry with AT&T?” It worked great until my contract ended and I needed a new Blackberry and realized that the folks at T-Mobile’s corporate offices refused to loosen up their purse strings and outbid AT&T for the exclusive rights to either the Blackberry Storm or the Blackberry Bold. Real cool T-Mo, give AT&T iPhone, BB Storm AND BB Bold. Seriously, STEP…YOUR…GAME…UP. I mean, the RAZR is chilly, I was just hoping you guys would have something a little more fresh to offer me. You know, something that came out after 2004.

My favorite part of cell phone free agency is calling the customer service line to cancel my plan and watch them scramble to keep my business. It is so great to have the proverbial upper hand when you walk into a negotiation. To be successful in these negotiations, you have to realize that the “Free RAZR or $200 toward any new phone with a two-year re-up” offer is weak. When you realize that you pay $100 a month for your plan for two years, this means they will make roughly $2500 on you in two years-and that is if you NEVER have an overage and NEVER have a moment of weakness where you buy a new phone during the span of your contract. So, I actually realize that their “Free RAZR or $200 toward any new phone with a two-year re-up” offer really is about the LEAST they could do considering how much my contract is worth to them over the course of two, four, six or however many years I stay with them. Thus, I always tell them where they can shove their “Free RAZR or $200 toward any new phone with a two-year re-up” offer and proceed with my agenda.

Inevitably, the first guy I speak with at customer service asks me what his firm can do to keep my business and I hammer him with flurry of complaints explaining that I am unhappy with his firm and he should realize that he is in way over his proverbial head, but I do it in a very soft “I realize this is not your fault personally, I am not blaming you,” tone.

Predictably, I get transferred to the first guy’s supervisor (“Supervisor” = someone who has the authority to give away more stuff for free to discontented customers who want to take their business elsewhere). This time, the supervisor was a very sweet lady named Anita. She asked what she could do for me, so I told her. I said “Go to your next managerial meeting and demand that T-Mobile does whatever it takes to breaks AT&T’s exclusivity contracts with Apple and Research In Motion for shared rights to either the iPhone or one of the two new Blackberry’s, give me one of said phones for free once you get them, set me up with a cheap plan for my new device, and throw in one of those magenta button-ups that your in-store employees wear…and I wear a large.” She laughed uncontrollably for nearly 15 seconds and then told me that she was afraid there was nothing she could do about any of those things, save for maybe the magenta shirt. I told her I was going to walk and that she should email me when they get a cool phone. She replied “We do have the G1, which is our equivalent to the iPhone. Have you given any thought to one of those?” Since she obviously did not hear me the first time, I repeated myself by saying “Again, email me when you guys get a cool phone. In the meantime, just send the shirt”

Finding a phone for me, like anything else, is very difficult. I am insatiable when it comes to cell phones...and just life in general. In a phone, I need internet, email, sexy, quick access to notepads for idea jotting, GPS and oh yeah, the ability to call someone.

The size of the phone is also important to me (see “sexy” above). Even though cell phones look uber-dope clipped to your belt with your shirt behind it so everyone knows you're wealthy (if this were 1989), I prefer concealing mine-so I need a phone that will fit in the front left pocket of my jeans.

After loads of research, I settled on an iPhone (which I claimed I would never own). I was initially apprehensive about iPhones because of the touch screen. My friends that have touch screen phones are always dialing numbers with their cheeks while they have their phones pressed against their faces for our conversations. This sort of thing bothers me, so I didn't want to be doing it to other people. Further, I have messed around with iPhones in the past and did not have a lot of luck with its texting. My skinny fingers are apparently too fat and I always press the letter on either side of the one that I actually intended. In the end, I decided iPhone was the lesser of all the cell phone evils-and had 3G, so I made it official.

To be honest, iPhones are really well-built. And by “well-built,” I mean “do NOT have any moving parts that will stop locking to each other and commence randomly coming apart.” The internet is the only “mobile internet” that I find tolerable, the options are cool and the GPS saves me daily whilst I attempt to navigate the second largest city in the United States. All in all, I feel that iPhone is a superior product. Those things should be $800; $199 is a steal for real.

In addition, transferring your contacts from one phone to another totally blows. I loathe this more than anything else about switching phones. I personally feel like Apple is going to take the entire cell phone game over in the next 5-10 years, so I am hoping that I just keep buying new Apple phones (that will hopefully transfer information seemlessly to one another) and will never have to deal with manually entering data that my new wireless provider was unable to get from my old device into my new one.

My new iPhone is a solid choice that gives me relatively no “buyer’s remorse” (and if you knew me, you would know how big of a deal that is). It does almost everything anyone could seriously ask of a phone device. If your heart is not entirely set on a 1993 RAZR, I recommend that you look into one.

I wonder what will happen during the span of this two-year contract…

Here’s to hoping that in 2010 Apple releases a new phone shaped like either a banana or a roll of quarters…

You’re welcome.

-Toddness

Reality Blows.

This past weekend, I took a “self-enrichment” weekend. What this basically means is that I came home Friday night after work and did not leave my apartment until Monday morning when I went to work. Well, I did walk over to Panera (71 feet from my apartment) twice to get food. In addition, I took a bike ride down to the local video store to rent three movies that I have been meaning to watch for about ten years.

Two of the movies I rented, you need not concern yourselves with. The third of my three rentals was Reality Bites. Again, I have wanted to see this film for years. It is one of those films that you always have on that imaginary video store list in the back of your mind, yet somehow always seem to overlook in favor of something from the outer “New Releases” ring of the store.

(TANGENT)

I feel sorry for all of the old movies that get removed from the “New Releases” perimeter and cast out into that sea of obscurity in the middle aisles of the store. It’s got to be rough out there. How can old movies compete with that huge, eye-catching, pink, cardboard Sex and the City display that holds 100 copies of the movie when all an old movie gets is one copy of itself and one small sign above its entire section classifying it as “Drama?” I don’t even know what drama is. All I know is that the sheer sound of the word makes me not want to rent anything from the section beneath the sign bearing it.

It appears as if video stores have given up alphabetizing their middle aisles because the employees themselves don’t believe anyone is going to walk down those aisles. When I popped out of the middle of my video store with Reality Bites, everyone looked at me like I sat up out of a coffin. I thought someone was going to have to head to an off-site warehouse to get the DVD that went inside the case for my movie. Luckily, the movie was still on-site.

(END TANGENT)

For the past five years, whenever I was preparing to leave work early, I would send a company-wide email explaining my reasons for leaving. The subject line of these emails would always be “premature evacuation.” I always thought it was clever and people always replied back with emails about how funny I was (glorious).

After watching Reality Bites, where I saw a young Ethan Hawke deliver the phrase “premature evacuation” in a line of dialogue whilst speaking to Winona Ryder as she headed out the door on a date with Ben Stiller, I felt like a total fraud. I didn’t knowingly rip that line off, but it still makes me feel fraudulent. I really thought I had something.

And another thing, WHY didn’t anyone tell me about how hot Winona Ryder was circa 1993? Holy men’s Levi’s and throwback Ray Bans in the gas station scene. Unbelievable. It’s probably for the best that I didn’t know about Winona in ‘93. If I had been in the know about this, I would have probably tracked her down and done something to get myself arrested (and by “probably,” I of course mean “without any doubt”).

You’re welcome.

-Todd

Over (10-26-08)

The following things are over, done with, finished, Hasselhoff. So, if any of the following happen to apply to you, please understand that you need to immediately check yourself.

1 – Juggling. I am told that juggling was widely considered to be interesting generations ago. For obvious reasons, I am unable to comprehend this, but whatever. Though I desperately want to, I cannot accurately comment on trends that originated before my birth. What I can do is comment on today, and today, juggling is cheesy. Like, “Macarena” cheesy. Work with me people.

2 – Ed Hardy. Ed Hardy is the new Von Dutch. Would you be caught wearing one of your 55 Von Dutch hats these days? Precisely. This is how ridiculous Ed Hardy is going to seem in about eight months (or now, depending on which blog you are reading). I know that this is going to be hard to swallow for those of you with those awesome hoodies with the bedazzled tigers on the back (insert patronizing “tiger” sfx here), but it is what it is.

In an effort to avoid hours of deleting all of your MySpace and Facebook photos where you were caught modeling your own personal 2007 Ed Hardy collection, you should probably just make the necessary “Space” and “Face” updates now and burn any and all of your EH paraphernalia.

3 – David Hasselhoff. Apparently, there was a time when David Hasselhoff was some sort of celebrity (again, I am told this). Years later, after his inevitable fall from the heights of mediocrity, it would become fashionable to make fun of this goofy bastard for his desperate attempts to cling to his past pseudo-celebrity status. Even with the advent of slightly amusing nicknames such as “’Hoff” used for poking fun at this German freak, two decades worth of using Mr. Hasselhoff as a punch line has worn terribly thin. It is not even funny to say his name to be ironic about people who still use his name to be ironic anymore. Seriously, nothing more. Ever.

4 – Beatboxing. When I see/hear people attempting to “make Rap beats” with their voices, I have to shut my eyes and plug my ears. For some reason, I am overcome with embarrassment for the people doing the beatboxing and have to throw an autistic fit to remove myself from the situation (since beaming myself to another geographical location is not yet a possibility).

I hate beatboxing with every fiber of my being. That said, I understand it. I realize that the technology we have today did not always exist, and that back in the day when people wanted to “spit hot fire” during a “Rap battle” in The Bronx, folks would either have to drag a table, a record player, a DJ mixer, some records, a pair of speakers and a power source out into the middle of a neighborhood park, or save two hours and just do it with their voices.

Now, we no longer need beatboxing. If someone really needs to start rapping out of nowhere, someone can just pull out their laptop or iPod and cue up and instrumental. Yet, there are people everywhere that are under the unfortunate impression that it is still okay to beatbox. The information these beatboxers are receiving is incorrect.

I was scared when I saw Justin Timberlake’s attempts to make beatboxing “hot” again when he pulled it out a few times on his last album and world tour. I only heard the first few notes at his concert before I went “Hellen Keller,” but I heard enough to know that Justin is just as bad as the rest. Maybe he is not all that bad, it is just that it is impossible to sound “cool” or “good” when doing something as ridiculous as beatboxing.

I am asking that we all just let this burn. It is over.

5 – Saying “Oooooooh” when you are in an establishment and the staff at that establishment decides to dim the lights.

I believe I first began noticing kids doing this when I went to my first school dance in 5^th grade. Instantly, I was bothered by this phenomenon, but I took comfort in the thought that this stupid practice must certainly be confined to awkward Midwestern pre-teens that could not figure out how to dance on beat to “Hip-Hop Hooray.” Much to my dismay, I am 16 years removed from 5^th grade, living in Los Angeles California and continuing to run into grown-ass people who are still committing this heinous social offense.

This past Saturday night, after batting 1-for-3 with two errors at a Hollywood nightclub, I hit up nearby Café 101 with my downtrodden wingman for a full recap of the night’s events. Shortly after ordering our provisions, the restaurant staff decided to dim the lights and, as if scripted, 15 or so patrons simultaneously yelled “Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh” as if the dimming of the lights was some sort of cue from Café 101’s staff to ignite a cafe-wide orgy. It wasn’t funny, so I didn’t laugh. It was tragic, so I did drop and my head and shake it in total disgust.

What is this seriously about? I guess this behavior perpetuates because no one is ever told they need to stop. Luckily, this is exactly the type of reason for which I created this blog. Right here, right now, I am documenting that this unfortunate behavior needs to end. Shut it down.

You’re welcome.

-Todd

Todd’s Power Index 25 (TPI-25)

I am a College Football fanatic. For my religiously devoted readers (big shout to both of you) this is not news. For the uninitiated, it is highly important that you comprehend this obsession of mine for a couple of reasons. This first reason is I want readers to really understand who I am. The second reason is because College Football was the inspiration for this blog entry.

Whilst watching my customary nine football games (and one baseball game) this past Saturday morning, afternoon and evening, I got caught up in the College Football rankings. Usually, I do not pay any attention to the rankings, but numerous highly-ranked teams have lost games in the past couple of weeks, so I began pontificating what this weekend’s action would leave the polls looking like.

Now, the reason I generally ignore the College Football rankings is because they are compiled by a few smart people…and a lot of morons. And, as we all know, too many morons mixed into your experiment can really skew the results of your research. In addition, the ranking of the teams at the bottom of the College Football Top 25 means very little to anyone. In College Football, you need to end the season ranked in the top eight to matter. The teams that end up outside of the top eight are left to sort out which meaningless bowl game in which awful destination they will be playing in (while no one watches) come December. Thus, the teams ranked 15-25 all season long are basically there so alums from those schools will have a bounce in their step on Mondays at the office when they get to bore co-workers with talk about how their school is ranked in the Top 25 for the first time in 400 years (I’m talking to YOU Ball State fans. Congratulations BSU, you are going to Albuquerque to play in The No One Cares Bowl this year, instead of the usual trip to North Dakota to get waxed by Southwest Missouri State in the I Thought We Packaged The Dakotas With Montana And Gave It All To Canada In Exchange For Absolutely Nothing Bowl).

I was on the phone this weekend discussing these exact matters with a close friend of mine and it became QUITE clear that I needed to officially launch my very own Top 25. But, since no one really cares about half of the College Football teams in the CFB Top 25, I decided to sprinkle NON-football-related things into my Power Index. The world needs a comprehensive list of teams (and other items) that are really worth the recognition that comes with being nationally ranked.

Yes, I realize that there is absolutely zero correlation between any of the things that made the list which are NOT College Football teams. Moreover, I understand that it is really hard to figure out how each item achieved its ranking. All I can do is assure you all that I gave this a lot of thought and everything is accurate (at time of post).

Alright, let’s go right in…

1 – Florida

2 – USC

3 – Jay-Z

4 – Texas

5 – Tina Fey

6 – Georgia

7 – Alabama

8 – T.I.

9 – Gossip Girl

10 – Oklahoma

11 – Jessica Alba

12 – Tampa Bay Rays

13 – Jessica Alba

14 – Pray For Hotness

15 – IKEA

16 – T.I. – Live Your Life (Feat. Rihanna)

17 – Penn State

18 – Kid Cudi – Day ‘N’ Nite (Crookers Remix)

19 – Audi S8

20 – Ernie Gaines – Sip It (Feat. T.I.)

21 – http://wordsbytodd.blogspot.com/

22 – Lou Holtz’s lisp

23 – Releasing a song that DOES NOT have Lil Wayne on it

24 – American Apparel

25 – Ball State

Others Receiving Votes: Tenacious DJs, Texas Tech, BYU, Remixed versions of tracks off of Kanye West’s new album that are circulating the internet even though the original versions of the songs have not even been officially released yet, Utah (the football team, not the state…ever), Megan Fox, Rick Ross, DJ A-Trak, Seinfeld reruns, Boise State, Stat Quo, The Office, Will Ferrell’s Robert Goulet impression, George Clooney, Zoe Saldana, Kate Beckinsale, Zooey Deschanel, Minka Kelly, Rachel McAdams, NOT owning anything with Ed Hardy’s name on it.

1 – Florida. I realize that Florida has already lost a game, but they play in the SEC and that sort of thing happens.

The morons over at the AP Poll had the gators ranked 12^th coming into 10/11/08. Um, no. Name 11 teams that could beat UF right now. If you answered “USC” and then stalled out, you are correct.

Just because Team A loses a game does not mean that the team ranked below Team A that won their game that week deserves to jump Team A in the rankings. If I believe that Florida is better than Texas, Florida loses and Texas wins (but they didn’t play each other), I am allowed to keep Florida ranked above Texas (depending on how each team performed in their respective games). Why doesn’t this make sense to people?

2 – USC. I have never in my life seen a team go 3-deep at nearly every position on the entire squad. Sometimes I wonder if this is a gift as well as a curse. With players rotating all of the time (to keep them happy, so they don’t transfer to a school where they would get more playing time) you figure some continuity is lost, right? Anyway, they are stacked with athletes and all I want is to see them play Florida. They obviously went to sleep against Oregon State, but who wouldn’t? The word “Oregon” makes me want to take a nap…and slap Joey Harrington.

3 – Jay-Z. Ok, so this brings us to our first non-college football-related item. Be clear, Sean Carter is killing it…still. After retiring from recording, breaking up with his colleagues that helped him start Rocafella Records, selling his stakes in both Rocawear clothing and Armadale vodka and stepping down as President of Def Jam, he is STILL killing it.

Jay has jumped back into the booth, spit countless classic new verses, given us two more classic albums (with Blueprint 3 on the way), made every music act that toured last year look stupid after the numbers he and Mary J. put up together, used his success with he and Mary’s tour to ink an enormous deal with Live Nation, and he also gave his last name to Beyonce. Goodness, I just want to be his intern…and I’m a grown man.

4 – Texas. The Longhorns should really feel privileged to be ranked this high…because I hate Texas (in every sport). I am not exactly sure why I hate Texas, but it has something to do with: That dreadful burnt orange color, Coach Mack Brown’s accent, the outfits the school band wears and the fact that, of all the Texas schools, I favor A&M (Gig ‘Em Aggies!).

I just Googled and found out that my last three reasons for hating the University of Texas were not even needed because loathing a school solely based on that school's colors is 100 % permissible under the University of Tennessee Volunteer Orange Statute.

It hurts me, but I have to be real and give Texas their due. I was not all that impressed with them, even after their win over Oklahoma; but after seeing them dominate Missouri I can no longer ignore this team.

Texas’ defensive line simply took the Missouri game over. I have watched Missouri play a few games. I have seen enough to know that Missouri’s offensive line is not that bad, it’s just that Texas’ front four (and sometimes three) are that good. I do not know if anyone can block those beasts long enough to complete a pass. Things are going to get very interesting in the CFB Top 5 in the next few weeks.

5 – Tina Fey. First, she is an amazingly talented woman. Second, she has so much “funny” in her veins that I spend hours each day attempting to channel it. I do not like to admit that people are more funny than I am, but I am not at all ashamed to admit that I finish a distant 7,684th to this gorgeous treat. Third (but honestly first), I want to not-so-secretly break up Tina’s marriage and give her a second child.

SNL was funny for the first time in years when she was there. Now, “30 Rock” is the best show on television. “Mean Girls” and “Baby Mama” were both funny as balls – and she writes IT ALL. DAMN IT. I get so frustrated/excited/turned on just thinking about it.

To close, I do realize that if Tina Fey remains ranked in the top eight at the end of the College Football season she may have to play the University of Florida in The Fiesta Bowl. I am not exactly sure how that would happen, but it would probably take a lot of phone calls on my end to get it done. A very wise man once told me that “life is a negotiation.” We’ll see what happens.

6 – Georgia. This is a solid football team. They have tons of talent and an experienced signal-caller who I would feel comfortable with handling the ball for my team in any game. They are as physical a team as you will find and they beat very good teams every week in easily the best conference in CFB.

I don’t think they have the playmakers on the outside to score enough points to beat Florida or USC, but I don’t think any team really wants to see them right now. Look out for these guys.

7 – Alabama. Here we have another tough SEC team. They play tough teams week in and week out and they remain undefeated. Their schedule still reads @ Tennessee, @ LSU and home against Auburn. I personally feel that the LSU game will be tough, but that looks to be it. The only thing left for Alabama appears to be getting beaten by Florida in the SEC Championship game.

8 – T.I. I told everyone that I knew three months ago that the next 6 months would belong to T.I. The TPI-25 reflects this. T.I. comes in one above Oklahoma University because he had a stronger September.

T.I.’s new album is crazy.

“Whatever you like” is this year’s “What you know.” Game over already.

“Live your life (Feat. Rihanna)” is one of the hottest songs of the year (not the summer, the year).

Whenever “Swagger like us” comes in third on your album, you are doing several things right. This is a monster record right now (and has been for months). The only problem here is that Jay-Z stole everyone’s shine on this record (see #3!!!).

The sleeper on T.I.’s album is “Swing your rag (Feat. Swizz Beatz).” This is actually my favorite track on the album. The club appeal is bananas. It just goes so much harder than “Swagger” and the others (in my humble, elitist opinion).

9 – Gossip Girl. Let me start by saying “wow.” Anyone who has seen so much as a promo for this show knows exactly what I mean. Geez, even the radio ads for this show get me hot.

Obviously, I am embarrassed to know anything whatsoever about Gossip Girl, but at the same time, everyone (and I mean everyone) knows exactly why I watch (okaaaaay, DVR and archive).

Never in my life have I seen a cast that was stacked top-to-bottom with so many gorgeous chassis.

Another first is that GG is the only show I have ever watched where I wanted to sleep with ALL of the main characters, extras and mothers on the show. Good God, even the dudes are hot.

Everyone on GG is so Next Level Hot that a couple things happen for one magical hour every Monday night. One, you become so enamored with how yummy every last cast member is that it doesn’t make you feel bad that you are not more attractive (which is usually the case when you see beautiful people). For some reason, you just enjoy the flawlessness. Second, you have intermittent spurts where you forget your own sexual preference (wait, maybe that is just me). Third, I can’t even think anymore.

Gossip Girl comes in one slot ahead of Oklahoma this week because their cast has a lot more Tight Ends than Oklahoma. I am SO aware of how cheesy that was.

10 – Oklahoma. Solid squad. Speed everywhere. They score a ton of points and they played Texas tough. The defense looked suspect against TU (yes, that is a jab at Texas), but I think they will get things figured out. Plus, who isn’t having trouble stopping Texas from scoring right now?

The last three games of their schedule are going to be tough. And, if they make it through those games, Texas may still be undefeated and therefore representing the Big 12 South in the Big 12 Championship game. If, however, OU makes it to the Big 12 title game, they will probably be waxing the Big 12 North representative, ending the season with one loss and wondering why they still end the season ranked behind Florida and USC (two other one-loss teams).

The kids at OU may just want to shut it down already and start training for 2009.

11 - Jessica Alba. Plain and simple, she’s “Balls Hot.”

Sadly, Jessica tends to gravitate toward awful scripts for reasons that remain unclear. Eventually, these bad scripts turn into bad movies that I am incapable of forcing myself to watch. When the LEAST LAME project on your resume is in a NON-FUNNY “comedy” opposite Dane Cook’s impossibly non-funny ass, there are issues.

Jessica is not only a pretty face, but actually a decent actress (I am told). I would really like to see her do a romantic comedy that has some romance and some comedy in it – and that contains exactly zero Dane “Much Like Carson Daly, but somehow more of a tool” Cook.

I was shocked to hear about Jessica becoming pregnant last year. In my mind, I’m thinking “How could she be pregnant if we have never even met each other?” In fact, I demanded a DNA test to see if there was a chance I could have telekinetically willed myself to be the father of her child. No dice.

Maybe I would have had a shot at J.A. if my name was something more cool, like “Cash.” Thanks for nothing mom.

12 – Tampa Bay Rays. You have to give big ups to this ball club. A bunch of youngsters that have been the door mat of Major League Baseball for the last decade just knocked off the wiley veterans from Boston and made it to the World Series for the first time in the history of the organization. Everyone have been waiting on them to fold up like a card table all season…and they didn’t. Impressive stuff. I want them to win The ‘Ship.

13 - Jessica Alba. See #11. Indeed, I do realize that Jessica also made The Index at #11. One might ask why a person wouldn’t simply be ranked higher one time instead of being ranked twice in two lower slots. All I can tell you is that there is a very exact formula, I checked the numbers twice and everything is correct.

14 – Pray For Hotness. I absolutely have to give a big shout to my favorite new musical act before they officially blow up and people start telling me that they knew about them first.

PFH is a couple of college kids from Tampa Bay that are dropping the best freestyles, remixes and mixtapes on the entire interweb right now. I suggest you do yourself a favor and peruse their entire catalog. To do so, you will have to hit them on “The Space,” because they despise “The Face.”

These guys just got in their first batch of merch, so I suggest you do the right thing and cop two t-shirts (one for play, one to keep nice for church).

“PFH is blessed!”

www.myspace.com/Pray For Hotness

15 – IKEA. Yep, that IKEA. Anytime you can take your apartment from “You’re a great guy, but I think we should just be friends” to “Good morning tiger. May I borrow some sweats to throw on over my dress?” for less than $300, you have really got something.

Thanks IKEA. A lot.

16 - T.I. – Live Your Life (Feat. Rihanna). I am cognizant of the fact that this song has been out for a couple of months now, but seriously, is there any other song out there that makes you scream its chorus as loud as this one? Oh, and it must be a CURRENT record. “Don’t Stop Believin’” and “Livin’ On A Prayer” are not acceptable answers here.

17 – Penn State. These guys look really good, but they play in the weakest conference in College Football (which they can’t help). If they beat Ohio State, they will be in play for a BCS game…which they will lose by three touchdowns to a team that is way out of their league. It is what it is. Ask Ohio State, they’ll tell you.

18 - Kid Cudi – Day ‘N’ Nite (Crookers Remix). I don’t typically get too caught up in Electro music, but hole…lee…balls. This song is so hot. That fact that it came out 5 months ago and every DJ (regardless of his musical style) still plays it religiously lets you now what time it is.

“Day ‘N’ Nite” is absolutely glorious. I found this record whilst scouring the interweb for newness and I have not been able to stop playing it since. Not many songs have what it takes to stay in rotation on my iTod for five months.

Big shout to The Crookers for completely shutting down EVERYONE trying to put out a Dance or Electro remix of ANYTHING in the next 2 years. Again, glorious.

19 – Audi S8. For those who don’t know, this is a car. A really, really, really nice car. To be more specific, it is a 4-door luxury sedan with a 5.2-liter Lamborghini V10 engine that stomps out 450 horsepower. This is basically a 4-door Lamborghini.

Think about that.

If my conscience would let me buy a car that only gets 13 MPG, I would totally cop one. Well, that and I would need to come up with $115,000 that I didn’t need to immediately allocate someplace else.

I like this car because it is a monster machine and an exquisite concoction of automotive engineering. You get performance similar to what a Lambo would give you, with only a touch less stunt factor, and a lot more class.

S8’s are sexy because only a few people recognize this car when someone whips one through the city (which makes you look more “CEO” and less “desperate for attention” than say, a Hummer). It’s not often you can comfortably fit five people in a car that has 450 horsepower (try seating five in a Lambo).

For me, the S8 is the perfect modern day car. If I had one, I would definitely Fish Bowl (no window tint) so everyone would know who was behind the wheel. Now, if we could only make it 65 MPG and $16,500...

20 - Ernie Gaines – Sip It (Feat. T.I.). This is a very hot R&B ditty that is making the rounds. Do yourselves a favor and find a copy of it somewhere…anywhere. You’re welcome.

21 - http://wordsbytodd.blogspot.com/. Seriously, name a better blog. I mean, I hardly every update mine, but when I do, it’s totally worth it.

I would have loved to come in a slot or two higher, but Ernie Gaines’ single is just hotter than my blog right now, Plain and simple. In addition, I will never be coming in higher than a sexy Audi S8. Thus, the only way I can move up is to have some top ten teams lose games. Luckily, I see both of these happening in the weeks to come.

22 – Lou Holtz’s Lisp. Lou’s lisp is not as much of an impediment as one would think it would be. I mean, the man coached for three decades, won a national championship, wrote several books, and got an analyst job at ESPN. Solid resume, Lou.

His lisp is almost too funny. It sounds like he has three tongues and four rows of teeth in his mouth. Often times, I try to impersonate his luscious lisp, but sadly, the results are underwhelming.

I encourage everyone to try their proverbial hands at a “Lou Holtzzzsssszszsszssszs.”

23 - Releasing a song that DOES NOT have Lil Wayne on it. Seriously Dwayne Carter/Lil Wayne/Weezy/Weezy F. Baby/Young Money/Mr. Make It Rain…let us breathe for a second.

24 - American Apparel. Finally, a clothing store that makes plain, yet bold/colorful clothing that fits tall, slender frames and does NOT have a name plastered across the chest and back. Oh, your shirt is Ed Hardy, I couldn’t tell. Maybe if it said so somewhere on the garment...

25 – Ball State University. It is hard to tell how good these guys really are by looking at all of the JV women’s teams on their schedule, so I will just give them their shine. Hey, I grew up 30 minutes from the campus.

At first, I was sad to see BSU string together a nice season because they are the punch line to about 217 College Football jokes I like to tell each season. But, luckily, I have just swapped their name out with Indiana University (holy "worst team in the weakest conference ever," Batman).

So there it is, the first ever TPI-25. Did you seriously just read all of that? Questions? Comments? Sad there was no mention of "High School Musical?" Email me.

You’re welcome.

-Todd

The Hiatus

Sorry about the hiatus.

I have some good reasons for my absence.

First, the last two months of my life have looked like this: Indianapolis to Los Angeles for a week. Back home to Indianapolis for a week. Next up was a seven-day trip to New York. After returning home from New York, I stayed home for five days and then took a trip to Chicago for the weekend (What up DJ A-Trak!). Once I returned to Indianapolis from Chicago, I received word on the phone that I had been offered a job…in Los Angeles. So, I went to work back in Indianapolis on that next Monday and gave my two weeks notice.

For the next 14 days, I spent every waking moment procuring moving trucks, setting up California utilities, preparing to pack my life up in to boxes way too heavy to be carried by any human not taking Barry Bonds “vitamins,” and screaming “there’s never any time” like Jesse Spano during the "Caffeine Pill Freakout" episode of Saved By The Bell.

Then came the drive across the country. This Trans Am trip was quite possibly the worst week of my life (this means more when you understand that my life is like a Ben Stiller movie). If I can muster the strength to relive the trip, it may one day surface as a blog all it’s own.

After arriving in California, I spent the first week unpacking and making the expected Ikea and Target runs.

Then, two weeks at the new job.

Seriously, it has been a blur. I have had small portions of time where I have written a little, but the blog has really suffered. The good news is that going to NY and moving to Hollywood has spawned an incalculable amount of blog ideas. My blackberry’s hard drive is nearly at capacity, in large part because of my enormous “Blog Ideas” document.

I promise I will make it up to you.

You’re welcome.

-Todd AKA "Trip" AKA “Trip McNeely”

Mustangs, Camaros, and Firebirds (oh my)

I do not like generalizations. In fact, it makes me angry when someone is either ignorant or arrogant enough to believe he can say, without hesitation, that a certain group of people necessarily exhibit a specific type of behavior all of the time, without fail.

That being said, all people that drive Ford Mustangs, Chevy Camaros and Pontiac Firebirds are douchebags.

Just kidding…but seriously.

I don’t know what it is, but an inordinate amount of Mustang, Camaro and Firebird owners love to smash the gas at stoplights and screech their tires. Look, I realize that you drive a fast car---I just don’t care. You can’t legally do more than 80 MPH on any road in the United States, so no one needs to the ability to drive any faster than that. Further, how fast you accelerate rarely matters since, for the instances I am complaining about, you are in bumper-to-bumper city traffic.

Dear Mustang, Camaro, and Firebird owners:

We realize what kind of car you drive. In the event we were unsure of your specific make and model, and were unable to read the insignias on the doors and bumper, you have so kindly put an enormous logo with the name of your vehicle on the top of your windshield (M-U-S-T-A-N-G). Awesome! Thanks for clearing that up. Now, I can specify exactly what kind of car when I later joke with my friends about the douchebag I saw earlier who was driving like he was in a high school parking lot (P.S. this kind of behavior was not cool in High School either---and those kids you thought were jealous of your car were really making fun of you for acting like such a hand job).

Seriously, there is no need to stomp on the gas pedal and make your engine rev really loud. It does not make you look any more cool than you already aren’t. What it will do is waste gas, wear out your tires, and endanger innocent people. And most of all, it makes you look like a ‘bag.

If you must exhibit this kind of douchebaggery, please do it on deserted roads where no one is around. This way, the rest of us are spared the danger and burning tire smell.

If you drive one of the cars listed above, please understand that no one likes or is impressed by your “Camaro Behavior.” It is beyond time that we put this nonsense to bed.

You are all very welcome.

* In order to curb some of the hate email from this week’s entry, I want to take a preemptive stand and admit that I realize not all people that drive the three models of cars listed in this blog behave as this entry explains; it’s just that those that do not are in the minority…by a lot.


-Todd

Vasectomy: The gift that keeps NOT giving

You may or may not have heard me make mention of this in the past, but I am a self-proclaimed visionary. This entry is yet another testament to my envelope-pushing genius. Today’s lesson has to do with the lovely idea of vasectomies. PLEASE KEEP READING.

The sheer mention of the word “vasectomy” sends every man’s testicles shriveling up into his body cavity. I am here to put an end to that. In the future, I want that very same word to become synonymous with a responsible, worry free, empowered lifestyle.

It was in my teen years that I was beginning to realize that my outlook on the world was more than a touch off-center. Junior high school paired me with my soon-to-be best friend who also questioned convention on a regular basis. It was once we became close friends and began having profound conversations about how sheep-like people were that we both began to comprehend and embrace our respective geniuses.

Ready, set, scalpel...

Just as I was approaching the age of 14, I realized that I was already leaning seriously toward the idea of a vasectomy. Some might call that "premature elimination," but not me. There is a vas defrens between premature elimination and what I am explaining here (insert laugh).

Imagine my mother’s surprise when I told her I wanted a vasectomy as my 15^th birthday present. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am the only person to ever request this procedure unprovoked-and at such a tender age. The way I figured, I could permanently take the idea of unexpected pregnancy out of the equation and get to work on my plot to court the entire cheerleading squad…of every school in the county. And this was all before ever stumbling upon the brilliant idea that I could freeze a sample of my DNA before permanently shutting off the faucet and turning my pubescent back on the idea of ever procreating.

With me so far?

Don’t feel bad that it is all starting to make sense-that’s the idea. Just give in to it (making shoulder massage motion with hands).

Of course, my mother declined my proposal (even though it was accompanied by a very compelling PowerPoint presentation) and I was sent out into the wild new world of horny teenage females with a loaded, fully-automatic reproductive system.

Fast forward 10 years and a few high school cheerleaders.

I was riding in my car the other day thinking about how awful my luck is and how the universe so often seems to be working against me, when I began attempting to put a positive spin on my situation (something I learned from an eternally optimistic ex-factor of mine). About six seconds into my internal psychiatry session I realized my luck was actually pretty decent. All of the stuff that had gone tragically wrong in my life was all forgiven with one redeeming thought: I was in my mid-twenties and single with no kids. That’s exactly where I always wanted to be.

Here comes the fun part where it all starts to hit home for everyone.

Fellas, think about the biggest nightmare of a chick you have ever “two become one” with. You know, that ugly, trashy, mentally-unbalanced, jealous, uneducated, unemployed, burnout that was awful in the sack and you later found out was addicted to blow? For some, there is more than one of these chicks on the ol’ resume, but stay with me. You two were a train wreck together. It was circumstance that brought you two into each other’s lives (well, circumstance and vodka...cheap vodka). It was convenient for a while, but definitely went on a few months longer than it should have. Fortunately, you two broke it off and she has moved on to dating her weed dealer. Take a deep breath. Can you smell that? That’s right, it is called freedom. Smells so lovely, don’t you agree?

(cue “Freedom” by George Michael)

Now, what if you had accidentally impregnated that coke monkey ex-girlfriend of yours? Sadly, this tragic tale is a reality for some. For that, I am sincerely apologetic. For the rest, consider yourselves the luckiest men in the world. We all get a new lease on life. Now, if we ever do have that chance encounter with Jessica Alba, we are free to take her home (save your money guys, she’s actually rubbish in the bag. What can I say…she liked my swagger).

On a less tragic level, think to yourself what scares you the most about sex. First, you need to be responsible and make sure that each party’s medical charts are coming back clean. Once you have ruled that stuff out, what else is there to worry about? Not pregnancy. Not any longer. Vasectomies free everyone up to focus on the task at hand (and by “hand,” I mean “pelvis”).

Women everywhere are probably angry that I am systematically dismantling their laundry list of excuses for declining sex. I’m sorry, I’m not sorry. I guess this means you ladies are going to have to average quite a few more headaches than you have in the past. What else do you all really have left to go on?

Now, is anyone starting to like the idea of getting a vasectomy? Of course you are. You owe it to the people who screwed their one and only lives by not taking advantage. 10 years from now, this idea will be the norm. School nurses will be performing this procedure on teenage boys during study halls nationwide and no one will ever think twice about it. Not only is vasectomy the best idea ever invented, it should be the law!

Honestly, if you could have a surgery that eliminates all chances of conceiving a child unexpectedly, why would you NOT opt for it-especially when you can freeze a DNA sample beforehand that allows for creating a family when the time is right? Seriously, to get pregnant, you would have to make a sober, cold-blooded, clear-headed appointment with your doctor. Can anyone find a drawback? It’s OUTPATIENT surgery for balls’ sake.

I just recently saw a study showing that children on average cost $300,000 before they turn 18. The national average says people have 2.3 kids per household. This means a preemptive/adolescent vasectomy (which shall now be referred to as a “Todd is a genius-ectomy”) could save the average household $645,000 or somewhere thereabout. Sounds like a fair trade for a small co-pay and one night of sitting on a bag of frozen peas. How is this sounding to you cash-strapped parents during this recession?

Here comes some more good news: there is still time. Every day presents yet another opportunity for all of us guys to hit the stirrups. This is still in the beginning stages, but I am seeing visions of traveling vans that make this as easy as giving blood. In addition, I am overcome with T-shirt ideas for the first “Todd is a genius-ectomy” drive.

Mandatory sperm donations and vasectomies for all guys once they reach the age to donate. It’s so simple. So beautiful. I feel like I just discovered electricity.

Am I missing anything?

Hopefully, I am not overlooking any pitfalls in my haste to share this idea with the world. If you are about to play the “Barbaric” card, please remember that doctors chop off the foreskin of most dudes about and hour after we exit the womb. To me, a vasectomy is far less barbaric than circumcision.

Still no objections? Anybody?

One of my friends told me that it now makes sense to get a vasectomy because he is married and they are finished having children. I told him that this is exactly the type of short-sighted behavior that compelled me to pen this opus.

It makes no sense to wait to eliminate any chance of accidental pregnancy until you have found your one and only soul-mate. It seems you would want the faucet turned off UNTIL you meet the one that you are contractually bound to for life and okay with the idea of impregnating.

For those of you who kick yourself every single day for accidentally knocking up a woman and getting trapped in a loveless relationship, I apologize for taking so long to realize this idea and post this entry.

To be honest, I know exactly why my friend that I spoke of above said what he said. The idea that I am presenting makes perfect since, but he is unable to wrap his mind around it because it is not what has customarily been done for the last several hundred years…WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY I BLOG. Just because things are customarily done a certain way DOES NOT mean that way is right. Nor does it mean all other ideas are wrong or “The Devil” as I am sometimes told. Wake up people. Stop drinking the Kool-Aid.

I just single-handedly:

1 – solved the overpopulation crisis (That whole “Baby Boom” thing would have never happened on my watch. Moreover, Social Security would still be thriving and a viable option for generations to come. )

2 – avoided numerous abortion arguments

3 – lowered the number of abused and neglected children due to unwanted pregnancies

4 – lowered the world’s crime rate---since abused and neglected children are statistically shown to have a higher potentiality for having a criminal future (Levitt 2003, pp. 137-138)

Does all of this make me eligible for the Nobel Peace Prize? If so, I’d put money on yours truly leaving with the trophy.

The only drawback coming to me currently is that, if needed, we guys couldn’t “pull the goalie” like a woman who lies about being on the pill to get intentionally impregnated by an NBA player. Before deciding to blaze the trail of this new movement, I was hoping to pull the male equivalent on Kate Beckinsale when the day comes that we finally meet outside of Facebook. I have not as of yet crafted a suitable name for the male version of this tactic. Please email me with suggestions. I am drawing blanks. Soon, I hope to be shooting them too.

You’re welcome.

Todd (AKA “Snip Doggy Dogg”)

[Levitt, Steven D. Freakonomics. William Morrow, April 12, 2005.]