Not so fast, my friends.

This past Friday night, I went to a nearby Studio City, CA bar with some co-workers to have a night cap. Whist at the bar, a co-worker of mine was introducing me to some of his friends that came out to join us. During the introductions, my associate was capitalizing on every chance possible to make fun of the fact I was from Indiana.

Minutes later, Guns 'N' Roses came on the jukebox and that very same associate went into a spiel about how he loves GNR. I instantly threw it in everyone's collective face that Axl Rose is from Indiana. When he replied with "Yeah, and that's about it," I struck back with The Jackson 5 (Michael Freaking Jackson), Janet Jackson, John Mellencamp and Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds. Everyone kind of went quiet at that point, myself included. I mean, I have always known about these people being from Indiana, but I guess I had just never thought about all of them at one time. That is a pretty impressive list when you sit (or stand) and think about it. Everybody respects that list-as was exhibited by the impromptu moment of silence that came over our entire group in the middle of a raucous bar. You would have thought it was the 7th inning stretch and that some NYPD officer was singing “America The Beautiful” or something.

Quick, give me the names of five recording artists that epic from your home state (I’m talking born and raised people). Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Admittedly, I rag on my home state of Indiana from time to time when it helps a joke come to life. It is different when people you don’t know are just ragging on your home state because of stereotypes. If they have visited and are making an informed observation, then I can at least respect that. But, you can’t knock a place solely based on what you have grown up hearing about it (unless it is Canada). Or, I guess you can, but I will just have to clap back at you.

In an effort to cast my home state in a positive light for once, I have compiled a list of extremely prominent people from Indiana that everyone (even Californians who have never visited Indiana) will recognize.



MUSIC


Michael Freaking Jackson – no descriptor needed.

The Jackson 5 - Classic. Classicly Classic.

Janet Jackson - Epic.

John Mellencamp - You know you sing his stuff. Let’s just be honest with one another.

Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds - Remember those songs you liked in the 80’s, 90’s and 2000’s? He wrote them. All of them.

Axl Rose - “Sweet Child Of Mine.” “November Rain.” HAVE SOME.

David Lee Roth - He started that whole “tight jeans” thing. Also a musician.



HOOP


Larry bird - The man.

John Wooden - The other man.

Oscar Robertson - Like Wilt Chamberlain, only with (I am guessing here) about 9,800 less sexual conquests.

Greg Oden - #1 overall pick in 2007 NBA draft.

Eric Gordon - The L.A. Clippers’ first-round draft pick last year.

Bonzi Wells - Moron, but he can ball.

Shawn Kemp - Bigger moron, but he could really take it to the hole. He also played basketball.

Zach Randolph - I held him to 13 points in 7th grade (I was 5’ 9,” he was already 6’ 5”).


THE PASTTIME


Don Mattingly - One of the most popular New York Yankees of all-time, and kind enough to pause for a picture with me at Disneyworld.



ENTERTAINERS


David Letterman – This is my dude right here.

Jane Pauley. Yup.

Steve McQueen. For serious.

Sydney Pollack. Seriously.

James Dean. Seriously, what?

Jenna Fischer. Best known for her work on an American television situation comedy called “The Office.”

Greg Kinnear. He is just so dang solid. Always playing the “unassuming guy” role and stealing the show while doing so. I love him because he is from Logansport, IN and because he does amazing work. I hate him because he kissed my girlfriend Tina Fey in “Baby Mama.” I love you Greg, but suck me.



?????????????


Jeff Gordon and Tony Stewart – I have no idea myself, but I am told these two are prominent Nascar drivers. I have no idea myself, but I am told “Nascar” has to do with “auto racing.” I have no idea myself, but I am told that “auto racing” involves “driving cars in a circle over and over again until the participants become too disinterested to continue and a winner is somehow declared.” Again, I have no idea.

Chuck Taylor – If this name doesn’t get plenty of Cali Love, then I cannot think of one that would. Everyone in The Fornia skates Chuck Teezies. Seriously, big up to Charlie Taylor. Recognize game in your face, bitches.

The Todd – The famous blogster, comedian, screenwriter, producer, DJ, rapper, songwriter, photographer, entrepreneur, fashion icon, trend setter, cheerleader prom dater and supermodel heartbreaker.

As the literate ones can see, a lot of talent has been grown and honed in Indiana. Respect due. Check yourselves before you wreck yourselves.


In conclusion…


MICHAEL FREAKING JACKSON.

See you at "The Crossroads."

Larry Bird bitches,


You’re welcome.

-Todd

"Welcome to L.A."

This ain’t no Disco; nor is it a country club.

For those that do not already know, I just moved to L.A…Los Ang…Floss Angeles.

I have officially hit the 3-month mark, and I have a few comments…

I live in North Hollywood’s “Historic Arts district.” That phrase sounds really cool until you realize what it means. Allow me to break it down:


“Historic” = rundown, forgotten about, left for dead.

“Arts District” = hippies…everywhere.


Most people call North Hollywood “NOHO,” but I refuse to do so. It seems a little too “New York is really cool, so why don’t we jock them” for my personal taste (officially, I think it is cheesy that NY does this with their neighborhoods as well). The one good thing about a new-agey acronym for a neighborhood means that a few rich real-estate developers have decided to sink loads of money into rebuilding the community in an attempt to turn the neighborhood around and make trillions of dollars.

All in all, I like North Hollywood. I spent most of my life living in the middle of nowhere with no one around. I decided it was time to mix it up and opt for a place crawling with hippies, hipsters, skaters, blaring sirens and all-night, cash-only, non-English speaking taco stands. I was desperate for a change and North Hollywood seems to be a decent fit.

The worst thing about moving to L.A. so far actually has not been the traffic, the fires or the smog. It is people saying “Welcome to L.A.” to me every 15 seconds.

For some reason, that phrase really makes me want to choke people. No matter the circumstances under which this phrase occurs, it always seems to carry a sort of condescending tone that sends me over the edge.

It is hilarious to me to hear people smirk and utter “Welcome to L.A., man” with an inflection that makes me seem like the most ignorant, backward, unrefined person in the world. I may have moved here from Indiana, but I have also visited nearly half of the states in America, went to college in Florida and have been to three countries in Europe. It’s not like this is my first time seeing celebrities, Ferraris or paying $20 for a drink.

The best part is that the jerks that I hear this phrase from were in my exact same position two years ago. Hence, I honestly feel like it bothers people as much as it bothers me to hear this phrase, but since they had it done to them, they feel the need to be “seasoned veteran L.A. know-it-all guy” whenever they get the chance to return the favor. I guess this somehow makes people feel better about themselves since they felt so inferior the first time someone tried to make them feel like an idiot by welcoming them to L.A.

The best part is when people that I know for a fact are also transplants and have only lived out here for a couple of years drop this phrase on me. I have come to learn not to ever mention anything remotely interesting I see, or anything irregular that occurs, for if I do, I am only asking to hear this infuriating phrase.

I have decided to never…ever…use the phrase “Welcome to (insert any place on Earth here).” Although, if I wanted to, I am curious as to when I am allowed to play the “seasoned veteran L.A. guy” act on another person. Six months, one year, what is the ruling on that? When do you get to move on from “clueless new guy” to “informed jerk off guy?” At any rate, this whole thing needs to stop before fatalities occur.

A couple of times since I have moved here, massive fires have broken out. I must admit, the fire thing is pretty scary. Every ten minutes, my TV show will get interrupted because a new fire has popped up in yet another location. It is really scary for me, because I do not know much about the local geography, so I am clueless as to whether or not the fires are near me or not. The scariest part is that I am too lazy to get on the computer and Google map it to find out. For all I know, I could be surrounded by fires and marked for death. I really am a lazy piece. It truly sucks when the sky is black and North Hollywood smells like a campfire. But, since some people lose their lives and houses during these disastrous fires, I try to keep my fire complaining to a minimum.

Another thing I have noticed is that everyone is obsessed with celebrities…but vehemently denies it. They all claim celebrity sightings are “common,” that it is “not a big deal anymore” and that I will “get used to it.” Nothing could be further from the truth. The only thing people ever talk to me about is who they saw at the grocery store, the restaurant, the gas station or at the club last night.

Everyone gets a rush from standing in line at Starbucks next to someone they have grown accustomed to having a “TV only” relationship with. I mean, it’s kind of surreal. Why do people have such a problem owning this? I sure don’t. If I saw Jay-Z right now, I would soil myself, fight the urge to pass out…and then hand him my resume (hopefully sans urine). There, was that so hard? Look, I know you, so I know exactly what kind of “work, eat, sleep, repeat” life you live. So, as embarrassing as it may seem, let’s not act like seeing Hilary Duff at Coffee Bean yesterday wasn’t the most exciting thing that has happened to you in the last six months (since your last celebrity sighting). Be for real.

Now, for a few highlights:


Celebrities!!! – Although no one in L.A. would have you believe it, being constantly surrounded by famous, rich, successful people is actually kind of nice. At least there is a 0.0006 chance I could be discovered by, or land a date with, one of these powerful people while in line at the grocery store. The same could not be said, however, about all of the Newport-smoking townies that I stood on line with at the grocery in Indianapolis. You know, not a lot of reasons to be handing those folks my resume and demo.


The Weather. – Today in Indianapolis, it was 36 degrees. It was 80 degrees today in L.A.

End of explanation.


“18 Dummy.” - Being a huge Hip-Hop fan, I know a lot of slanguage. I have long been a fan of West Coast music, so I was familiar with the phrase “18 Dummy” way before I ever moved out here. It just feels good to finally live in a place where people commonly use this expression in everyday conversation. For those not familiar, it means “getting super stupid drunk on Jose Cuervo1800 tequila.” Not that I would ever do such a thing (because Patron is waaaay more smooth).


Seriously, next time you are talking to your friends about going out to get drunk, instead of saying that you are “going to get so drunk tonight,” say you are “going18 Dummy.” I promise you’ll have more fun.

That’s it for now (but not even close to the last of it).


You’re welcome.

-Todd

"'Straight Reggie Bushin'."

It’s that time of year again where they crown the Heisman Trophy recipient. Seeing as how I am the biggest College Football fan in the world, one would assume I would have some level of interest in seeing who the award goes to.

Erroneous.

I could not give less of a shat.

The Heisman Trophy blows and I will explain why.


1 – Quarterbacks always win.


Seven out of the last ten recipients have been quarterbacks and I do not see this trend ending anytime soon.

Running backs are the only other position that has a chance at the award and even they only seem to win the HT over quarterbacks when the quarterbacks nominated are underclassmen, or play in a weak/non-BCS conference.

Matt Leinert was handed a 2004 Heisman trophy that belonged to Reggie Bush. Anyone who watched even half of USC’s games in 2004 knows this. Leinert took a really nice snap. He also handed off beautifully. What Leinert did NOT do was single-handedly procure USC’s perfect season by breaking off huge runs on handoffs and pass receptions from both the running back and receiver positions, or run back numerous 4th quarter punt and kickoff returns for touchdowns and huge gains that lead to game-winning scores when the offense was struggling and USC was looking dead into the eyes of a loss. The guy that DID do that stuff was Reggie Bush.

Adrian Peterson tore up the Big 12 as a freshman at Oklahoma, but lost the trophy to his quarterback Jason White. Who? Exactly. In White’s defense, he threw for 40 touchdowns with only eight interceptions. But, why do you think the receivers were always open? The correct answer is “because A.P. had been running through 8-man fronts and gashing the opposing team with the running game all day long.” If Peterson had gone to Baylor, White would have never put up good enough numbers to win that trophy.

Now, I try not to get into the whole “such and such player won the Heisman but never got drafted, or never did anything in the NFL so he didn’t deserve the award.” College and NFL football are extremely different and the Heisman Trophy and the NFL have little correlation in my eyes (See “Charlie Ward” and “Rashaan Salaam”). Given this, I am not arguing that Peterson deserved the award over White due to the fact that Adrian Peterson is now one of the top three running backs in the NFL and Jason White is pumping gas. I am arguing that Peterson deserved the award because he was the better player in 2003.

The Heisman is a freaking joke.



2 – Underclassmen cannot win it (even when they deserve it).


Well, this part was true until last year when Florida’s Tim Tebow became the first underclassman in HT history to win this popularity contest.

How could anyone even need to think about last year’s voting? Tebow threw for 29 touchdowns and rushed for another 22 scores…IN THE SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE. He became the first “20-20” guy in the history of College Football and did so in the roughest, toughest conference in the sport. Those that did not vote for Tebow were either paid off, idiots, blind and deaf, far too loyal to the candidate that was in the running that attended his alma mater, or some combination of all these reasons.

I am still shocked that they didn’t hand 2007’s to Arkansas’ Darren McFadden simply because Tebow was a sophomore. This makes me want to believe there is hope, but there isn’t.

Michael Vick destroyed everyone, led his team to an 11-0 season and ALMOST beat Florida State by himself in the National Championship game as a 19-year old and yet lost the trophy that year to Ron Dayne.

In 1999, Michael Vick did not lose to Ron Dayne’s 1999 season. In 1999, Vick lost to Dayne’s entire body of work over his 4-year career at Wisconsin that just happened to include Dayne breaking the all-time NCAA rushing record as a senior. So, they could have either given the HT to one of the top three most dynamic freshmen in history, or to a senior running back with impressive career statistics. And…they did what they always do.

Michael Vick did NOT win the Heisman in either of his years at Virginia Tech. Really?!!!? REALLY?!!!? Someone please name me one “collegiate” that was more “outstanding” during those two years. No one? Again, exactly. Further, if you answered “Ron Dayne,” “Joe Hamilton,” “Chris Weinke,” or Josh “Heupel” you were incorrect and should slap yourself.

The Heisman is a freaking joke.



3 – No one is allowed to win the award twice.


In 2004, Matt Leinert was handed Reggie Bush’s trophy because everyone knew Bush had to stay for one more year because he was only a sophomore and needed to play through his junior season before he could leave for the NFL. And, since everyone knew Bush was a freak that could not be stopped by anything not named “Torn ACL,” the voters knew he would run away with the trophy in 2005…and we cannot possibly ever have a player win two Heisman’s while he is in college.

The old boys that vote for the Heisman seem to steadfastly stand by the rules that no underclassman will ever win the award (unless it is “Tebow Obvious”) and also that no one is ever going to win two of them again because they are still in love with Archie Griffin being the only person to ever do so. This is so sick, twisted and contrived that I cannot associate myself with it.

FYI, I blame Brent Musberger for the whole “no two-time winners…every” thing. He talks about Archie Griffin being the only two-time Heisman winner about 53 times during every game he announces (in between incessant uses of the word “folks” and oft homoerotic statements about his love affair with the quarterbacks playing in the game he is currently announcing).

They claim the Heisman Trophy goes to the “Most Outstanding Player in Collegiate Football.” In actuality, the HT goes to “the quarterback from the sexiest team still ranked in the top 3 at the end of the season---as long as that player is not a freshman or sophomore or in line to possibly collect two awards in his four years of college football.”

Michael Vick should have won two trophies. Reggie Bush should have won two as well. Between them, they ended up with one. Collectively, Chris Weinke and Eric Crouch have two. F me.

After this blog, I refuse to ever engage in conversations about the Heisman, listen to analysts engage in conversations about the Heisman, or watch the actual trophy presentation until they give me an official vote for the award and I can commence talking some sense into the other idiots that vote for the wrong players every year.

The only solution is to let me head up the Heisman committee. I will appoint a cabinet of Kirk Kerbstreit, Chris Fowler, Rece Davis, my friend Darren, my bagel guy, The Queen, The Vatican and The Rothchilds. We would quit our respective jobs, watch every single snap of every single game, conference call thrice weekly to hold everyone accountable and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion known as “The Meadows.” Then, we would come together at the end of the season and get this thing right. Until this day comes, I’m out.

The Heisman is a freaking joke. In fact, I am not even capitalizing it anymore (not that anyone is going to notice, because I am never writing about it every again). No disrespect to the trophy’s namesake, Mr. John Heisman. It’s not you John, it’s the voters.

The heisman is a freaking joke.


You’re welcome.

-Todd




In an attempt to end this thing on a happy note, I will leave you with one of my favorite videos…

Six months of awesome.

I just noticed that it has been six months since I started this blog.

Wow.

As flaky as I am, I have been able to post at least one entry for each of the last six months. That’s like, half a year.

I feel compelled to admit that this is one of the greatest accomplishments of my life (as embarrassing as that may seem). But honestly, when the only other thing I have ever accomplished is being named league MVP of my coaches pitch baseball team when I was nine, it’s easy to see how my blog ranks so highly on my “all-time” list.

In honor of this six month anniversary, I am asking you all to celebrate the greatness of this blog my sharing it with someone who may not know about it-but would appreciate the hell out of it. It could be your mom, your brother, your co-workers, that hot chick you can never think of a reason to start a conversation with, or maybe your cell mate. I mean, we all like to laugh, right?

So, (raising imaginary champagne glass) “Here’s to me”…I guess…or something…

You’re welcome.

-Todd