By now, you all know how these go. I list some things that need stop, and then explain why everyone is going to do exactly as I say.
I have a bunch of them this round, so let’s get it in…
1 – Andy Dick.
I don’t know why, I just hate him. Actually, I do know why: his face, his hair, his voice, his height, and the fact that he is not any sort of funny, yet, is rich for failing miserably at attempting to be.
3 – Saying “Am I being Punk’d?”
If you are asking, you are probably not being Punk’d. There are numerous reasons why this is true. For example, the company that produces the show spends a lot of money and time extensively planning actual “Punk’d-ings” so far in depth that your high school equivalency ass would never know it was happening ahead of time. Further, I hate you.
4 – Your collection of Marilyn Monroe paraphernalia.
Do you guys remember when collecting pictures and wine bottles with old, dead actresses on them was cool? Me neither. Adjust accordingly.
5 – Guys dressing up as women.
I understand that some people need to do these types of things to get attention, but a guy in a grass skirt and coconut bra just is not funny. Period. I do not care if you are at a beach or a Jimmy Buffet concert or whatever else. You heard me.
6 – The term “Show Business.”
If you’re 74 or above, I will allow it. Just please know that we all adopted “Entertainment Industry” about 15 years ago. We would have also accepted “The Business” or “The Industry.”
Make the necessary adjustments.
7 – The term “Hairdresser.”
If you’re 84 or above…I still won’t allow it. Get your mind right (and your vocab too).
I'm not asking…
8 – Trying on another person’s eyeglasses, saying “WHOAAAAAA,” and acting shocked that they have a prescription that does not work on your eyes.
The reason his glasses hurt your eyes is because they are his prescription, not yours. It’s pretty simple, actually. Why do people keep doing this? When I see someone that does NOT wear glasses grab a friend’s spectacles and don them I get angry because it is so annoying, but I also get excited to watch him inflict pain upon himself. It’s like watching a really stupid dog continuously run through his new electric fence and shake uncontrollably when the electrocution begins. The embarrassing part is that even dogs learn to stop after a while.
Yes, I just called you stupid.
9 – When I wear a pink shirt and someone asks if I “accidentally washed my reds and whites together.”
My uncles have been using this joke on us younger, sexier, more well-dressed gentlemen at every family gathering for the past 15 years. Do they realize that it is getting repetitive? Actually, it was “repetitive” back in 1996; now it is just embarrassing. And, why is this joke specific to the color pink? When my uncles wear green shirts, I never ask if they washed their blues and yellows together. The reason I don’t do this is because it would not be funny.
Do you see my point here?
10 – Asking “Did you two plan that?” when two friends, family members or co-workers happen to be wearing similar outfits.
You know what, they didn’t plan it. The reason I know this is because no one has ever purposely planned to look ridiculous so that non-funny people could make antiquated remarks about “not getting the ‘green shirt and khaki pants’ memo.” If you did this in the last 12 months, please slap yourself. Twice. And, once again, I hate you.
Class dismissed.
You’re welcome,
Todd
