At this point in my life I do not feel like I want to have kids.
I have no idea how I will feel about this issue in the decades to come, but presently I feel like I would probably end up trading my kid(s) for any combination of goods, services, future draft picks, and cash.
Since I get the feeling that being a parent is not on my horizon, I try to integrate that which I find most attractive about being a parent into my life, as if I do have children.
I am, of course, talking about “Parent Speak.”
Great question…
“Parent Speak” is when you talk to a person in either a dismissive manner, like a drill instructor, while using a condescending tone, or all of the above (as if you were that person’s parent).
Just because I will probably never have a kid (on purpose) does NOT mean I should have to miss out on talking down to people like they are my children. For this reason, when my friends ask me to do things that I know I will never do, I tell them “We’ll see.” Further, it is common for me to attempt to send lippy girlfriends to their bedrooms without dinner. I am also known to end conversations with the phrase “Do you understand me?”
As with most things, my “Parent Speak” has not been very well-received by any of my friends or co-workers (which is exactly why so many of my friends and co-workers are currently “grounded”).
Cumulatively, my mother and step-father have five children – the last of which just moved out on his own - leaving the ‘rents one-on-one for the first time in their lives.
I recently rang my mother to ask her what, if anything, she is missing most about having kids in the house to slap around and talk down to. Below is the exchange in nearly its entirety (unedited so it’s extra gully)…
Mom Dukes: “Hello.”
WBT: “Mommy Dukes, it’s your 5th most-favorite child.”
Mom Dukes: “Hey.”
WBT: “What’s goin’ down?”
Mom Dukes: “I’m in London
WBT: “Work?”
Mom Dukes: “Yes.”
WBT: “’YOU SOUND LIKE YOU’RE FROM LONDON
Mom Dukes: “Not for you, but for me, yes.”
WBT: “How much extra?”
Mom Dukes: “I don’t know.”
WBT: “Well…should we reschedule, because I know this is going to go at least 30 minutes?”
Mom Dukes: “Well, why don’t you try to condense it?”
WBT: “Whatever.”
WBT: “I am calling about the ‘Parenting’ interview I told you I was working on for my blog. Are you ready for this?”
Mom Dukes: “Probably not.”
WBT: “And a correct answer right out of the gate!”
WBT: “Now, this interview is about me not ever having kids, so instead I talk to everyone in my life like they are my children. I am calling this “Parent Speak.” This way, I get to be impossibly condescending and order people around without the stress or expense of having to produce my own offspring.”
Mom Dukes: “Gotcha.”
WBT: “Great. Away we go…”
WBT: “First off, can you think of a better name than ‘Parent Speak’? I’m really not happy with it.”
Mom Dukes: “Nothing is coming to me. That name really doesn’t flow well. Everyone will say ‘What?’ It’s hard to process. I’ll get back to you on that. Wait, how about ‘Because I Said So?’”
WBT: Nah; not good enough. And, it was the name of a bad Diane Lane
Mom Dukes: “Diane Keaton, but you were close.”
WBT: “Hahahahahahahahaaaaaa…this is classic already.”
WBT: “Moving ahead…”
WBT: “Do you remember the first time you used ‘Parent Speak?’”
Mom Dukes: “No, but I imagine it was not long after your sister was able to understand words. I expected you all to do whatever I said whenever I said it – beginning just as soon as you could comprehend verbal instructions. It was your job to do what I said, because I did what I was told when I was a kid. It’s a natural progression.”
WBT: “That’s never been a good enough reason for me to do anything.”
Mom Dukes: I know.
WBT: “Did you instantly fall in love with the level of condescension that you were able to get away with – and with absolutely zero repercussions?”
Mom Dukes: “I have never really thought about it.”
WBT: “People don’t think about a lot of things until I bring them to their attention. This is just another case of me seeing the funny in a place that has forever been ignored.”
Mom Dukes: “You know, you’re right. It is kinda funny when you explain it the way you do.”
WBT: “Trust me; I know.”
WBT: “Was it easy to abuse ‘Parent Speak?” It would be for me – and I wouldn’t be able to turn it off when I went out into the world with other people.”
Mom Dukes: I don’t think I abused it, but I definitely used it. When every penny you make you pour into your kids (food, utilities, gas) you feel like, yeah, you own those little robots.
WBT: “And see that’s my thing: I like owning things. So, you would think I would be into wives and children…but I just can’t see it.”
Mom Dukes: “Give it time. We’ll see what happens.”
WBT: “I think you just used ‘Parent Speak’ right there.”
Mom Dukes: “…(laughing)…”
WBT: “When did you last employ the phrase ‘We’ll see’ in response to something that you knew there was no chance of you either engaging in or purchasing – and to whom did you say this?
Example:
[Child: “Mom, can I have a pony for Christmas?”
Parent: “We’ll see.”]
Mom Dukes: “…(laughing…) it would have been your brother, but I’m not sure when the last time was.
WBT: “Your ‘mom pants’ don’t appear to be on right now.”
Mom Dukes: “The last thing I think he asked for was help paying for his college books.”
WBT: “And you told him ‘We’ll see,’ when you knew there was not a shot is hell you guys would be forking out any jack for his books?”
Mom Dukes: “…(laughing) Yeah.”
WBT: “Very ‘Parent Speaky.’”
WBT: “Now an ‘Empty Nester,’ in what ways are you continuing to integrate ‘Parent Speak’ into your daily life?”
Mom Dukes: I try to tell anyone that will listen what to do. I called your brother yesterday and asked if he and his roommates had paid their rent. He was like ‘Yes mom.’ I’m like, ‘ALRIGHT – I guess I’m done; I’ll talk to you later.’ I could tell I was getting on his nerves.
When you’re a parent, it’s just what you do. Its part of who you become. It’s always on. You don’t flip back and forth. Once you’ve been that; you are that. It’s not a pair of pants that you put on and take off. I’m motherly in everything I do. I worry about kids that look cold on airplanes. I always get blankets for them even though they have not asked for one. I just like to take care of people.
WBT: “Well, all of this sweet/serious stuff is taking all of the fun out of this, so thank you.”
Mom Dukes: “I’m sorry.”
WBT: “Ugggghhhhhhh!!!”
WBT: “Due to there no longer being any children under your roof, have you had to resort to telling my step-father to ‘Do what he is told?’”
Mom Dukes: “Yes.”
WBT: “Is he slacking on his ‘Man List?”
Mom Dukes: No, but sometimes he won’t do what I tell him to and it makes me crazy. Crazier now because I have no one doing what I tell them to.”
WBT: “I feel really bad for the poor guy. It’s got to be tough being the only one there dealing with a control freak while she goes through control withdrawals. Tell him to keep his head up.”
WBT: “Have there been any recent occurrences where you have had to send your husband to his room without dinner?”
Mom Dukes: “No. Not ever anything like that. I do a lot of growling and rolling my eyes.”
WBT: “And what is his reaction that stuff?”
Mom Dukes: “He doesn’t care. He acts like he can’t hear or see me when I’m being a brat. It’s nothing juicy. We don’t’ fight anymore. If I am pissed off, I don’t yell, I just go buy something. He hates when I spend money.”
WBT: “Hahahaha. Good Stuff.”
WBT: “What is it like telling YOURSELF to ‘Do your chores?”
Mom Dukes: “It sucks.”
WBT: “HAhahahahaaaaaaaa. Amazing!”
WBT: “Do you miss the army of five that you used to have at your disposal?”
Mom Dukes: “…(laughing)… Absolutely. Now, I can’t even get your brother to wash my car for my birthday or even Mother’s day. He always says he will and never does.”
WBT: “I used to wash your car. I remember doing it many times.”
Mom Dukes: “Yes you did. It was wonderful.”
WBT: “Do you miss your kids because that 5-person staff was a lot of manpower for knocking out household chores, or because you ‘Miss miss’ us?”
Mom Dukes: “Miss miss. You were all so interesting, and at times, so much fun.”
WBT: “I can’t use any of this crap for the blog.”
Mom Dukes: “Sorry. But if you do, I want to proofread it before you throw it out on the internet.”
WBT: “I owe you at least some sort of approval rights, but I’ll probably forget.”
WBT: “Do you miss coming home from your job in an angry mood and projecting that onto your children by yelling irrationally?”
Mom Dukes: “No. I hated that. And I hate that I did that. I never thought that was a good idea. You just have no idea what it’s like.”
WBT: “Can you think of a time where you told one of us ‘GOOD JOB’ after we really sucked terribly at something? Please be specific.”
Mom Dukes: “Yes. When you all painted the front porch and there were big globs of paint and runs everywhere.”
WBT: “Did you guys laugh about it?”
Mom Dukes: “Yes?”
WBT: “What did G-Money say about the porch?”
Mom Dukes: “’They tried their best.’ I wanted everything perfect; he just wanted it done.”
WBT: “So…we slaved to paint a huge wrap-around porch on an enormous house for free, and it wasn’t’ good enough for you? I think you got what you paid for.”
Mom Dukes: “But still…not good enough.”
WBT: “Do you miss ‘Parent Speak’?”
Mom Dukes: “I do, because when you don’t get to use it anymore, it means your kids are all gone.”
WBT: “Aw, that’s very sweet, and also not going in the funny direction in which I intended. Give me something mom, JESUS!”
Mom Dukes: “I’m trying. It’s hard to instantly recall all of the stuff all five of you did and said over twenty-some years.”
WBT: “What was your favorite ‘Parent Speak’ phrase to utilize?”
Mom Dukes: “That’s why they call them accidents - nobody ever means to.”
WBT: “Very boring.”
Mom Dukes: “It’s hard when you put me on the spot.”
WBT: “I don’t even know what that means. I refuse to acknowledge clichés.”
Mom Dukes: “Oh, and ’Because I said so.’ I like that one a lot too.”
WBT: “Now, see? That’s the kind of stuff I’m talking about. That’s one of those phrases you would use with your children, but not with friends or co-workers…unless you’re me.”
Mom Dukes: “You’re terrible.”
WBT: “I’m totally aware.”
WBT: “Now, name your least-favorite ‘Parent Speak’ phrase?”
Mom Dukes: “’I’m sorry.’ That’s always hard for me to say. I will; I just hate to.”
WBT: “That’s actually hysterically funny.”
WBT: “When was the last time you grounded one of your children?”
Mom Dukes: “The last time it worked?
WBT: “Hahahahaha…Yeah.”
Mom Dukes: “When your brother got his most-recent grades and we saw some letters that we did not particularly care for.”
WBT: “You grounded him in COLLEGE?!!?
Mom Dukes: “Haha…Yes we did.”
WBT: “What were the terms?”
Mom Dukes: “He couldn’t go anywhere but work and home.”
WBT: “I still can’t believe you grounded him in college…and he listened! He’s 20 years old and has a job and money. There would have been no chance of that working with me. If I were him, I would have respectfully declined and gone to the beach.”
WBT: “Keeping with that. Aren’t you glad don’t have to wrangle me anymore?”
Mom Dukes: “No. I miss doing that.”
WBT: “Impossible. I was a wild, untamed, running, wandering thoroughbred Mustang.”
Mom Dukes: “…(laughing)…Yes you were.”
WBT: “Okay, so, which of your children did you find the most entertaining? Yes, pick a favorite.”
Mom Dukes: “Everyone has their highlights. Everyone is different and everybody fulfills something different in my eyes.”
WBT” “Nice ‘mom’ answer. Very diplomatic. You know none of them read this, right? You can totally say it’s me.”
Mom Dukes: “Whatever. It’s true. You’re all great.”
WBT: “Yeah. There’s that. But, only one of us has an amazing blog that is lighting up the netweb. I mean, I don’t even feel like it’s a close race, but if it were, I’m feeling like the blog would easily put me over the top.”
Mom Dukes: “You’re all great. That’s still my answer.”
WBT: “Yeah, but maybe that won’t be what gets printed. I guess we’ll just have to see what happens.”
Mom Dukes: “You wouldn’t.”
WBT: “It’s like you don’t even know me.”
Mom Dukes: “Whatever.”
WBT: “Which of your children is the tallest (by about 6 inches)?”
Mom Dukes: “You, of course.”
WBT: “I know. Sorry. I just wanted to guarantee that my name was in here at least once, so I threw this in as the last question - just in case you stiffed me on the ‘Most Entertaining’ award…which you did. I mean, it is my blog, so I figure I should at least get one mention, you know?”
Mom Dukes: “…(laughing)…”
WBT: “Just one last thing: is your homework done?”
Mom Dukes: “Yes. My homework is done.”
WBT: “Do you miss reminding us all about homework?”
Mom Dukes: “No, it was like a job.”
WBT: “Not a job I want to put my resume in on, you know what I mean? I’m not ever having a kid on purpose. Luckily, I’ve been involuntarily celibate for a while now. Judging by the current (and past) state of things, accidental procreation may never again be a concern.”
Mom Dukes: “…(laughing)…”
Mom Dukes: “Alright, I am going to try and get some sleep.”
WBT: “What? No non-interview small talk? I can keep it off the record, you know?
Mom Dukes: “…(moaning)…It’s like $2 a minute!”
WBT: “We’ve been on 49 minutes, just like I said. And, do you realize that at first you didn’t know how much extra that placing this call to you internationally would cost, but now you are claiming to know exactly how much it is per minute?”
Mom Dukes: “That’s part of my mom powers.”
WBT: “You must have your ‘mom pants’ on. Oh, that’s right they’re always on, aren’t they”
Mom Dukes: “Yeah.”
WBT: “Okay moms, I’ll let you go – I know you need to rest.”
Mom Dukes: “Okay punkin. It was nice talking to you. I have missed you.”
WBT: “Me too mummy. I’ll speak to your soon. Love ya.”
Mom Dukes: “I love you too. Buh-by.”
WBT: “…(click.)…”
Just wait until your father gets home,
-Todd
*** [If anyone is interested in scoring some points, send me your replacement name ideas for “Parent Speak.” You can either post it in the “comments” section on the blog or twit your answer to me on Twitter. Standard scoring will be in effect.]
