Rashida Jones.
Oh, Rashida Jones.
For those familiar with NBC’s “The Office,” you may remember Rashida Jones from several episodes between 2006 and 2009. Others may know her from the throwback favorite “Freaks and Geeks” or more recently, from another NBC Thursday night comedy, “Parks and Recreation.”
I remember her frommmmmmmmmm every dream I’ve had in the past six months.
Holy hot.
Now that I live in Hollywood, I feel like my chances of living the dream (i.e. dating a “Balls hot” + wealthy Hollywood actress) are closer to reality than they have ever been. People that know me know that – when it comes to approaching women - I fear nothing. I will pretty much walk up to anyone, anytime, anywhere and strike up a convo (this doesn’t mean I’m a man whore that does it a lot, it just means I ain’t neva scurred). Lately, I have been hoping to run into Rashida Jones so I could do just that.
After seeing Rashida in the movie “I Love You, Man” with Paul Rudd and Jason Segal, I could not stop thinking about how adorable she was. She has the perfect face, hair, teeth, eyes, skin, body and smile. All of that without mentioning her impossibly charming personality and the fact that she appears to be quite funny. Oh, and she just happens to have an extremely lucrative job.
Further:
She’s part African-American ---I’m super attracted to brown-skinned ladies.
She’s part Irish---------------------I’m a huge Notre Dame Football fan.
She’s part Russian-----------------I drink vodka like it’s for a grade.
Who could deny all of that obvious compatibility? This is some E-Harmony-type shit.
It’s kind of weird how into this girl I am, given my “Absolutely NO BANGS under any circumstances whatsoever” rule. As luck would have it, the latest episodes of “Parks and Recreation” suggest that she is growing her hair out. Thus, she gets hotter with every single day (as if this weren’t already hard enough).
As soon as I finished watching “I Love You, Man” I jumped on IMDB because I just had to know her story.
Seconds after reading her IMDB profile, I decided to set Rashida free (even though we’ve never met).
At this point, you might be asking yourself why I prematurely broke up with a woman I have never met.
Well, I did this because seconds into reading about her, I realized that her father is Quincy Jones.
Well, I did this because seconds into reading about her, I realized that her father is Quincy Jones.
Like, THE Quincy Jones.
Like, “Michael Jackson, Paul McCartney, Thriller, Off The Wall, 2 million Grammys,” Quincy Jones.
Meeting a girl’s parents is scary enough. When daddy is Quincy Jones, the thought is even more terrifying.
From time to time I have flashes of what I would say to Quincy Jones if I ever met him while accompanying his daughter to a family dinner. In every occurrence Quincy and I shake hands (I botch the handshake), he says “Nice to meet you” and I say “Hhhhhhggggguuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrlllllllllllmmmmmmm” and then smile tensely.
I just cannot envision an interaction with Quincy F-cking Jones that goes well.
As if embarrassing myself in front of her father would not be enough, I get the feeling that at least one of her sisters would hate me. Rashida’s sister Kidada was engaged to Tupac Shakur at the time of his unfortunate murder. Being the ridiculous music historian (and major Tupac fan) that I am, I would undoubtedly harass Kidada about ‘Pac every time she was within shouting distance (or logged in to any type of online messenger service). I would hate myself for it, but I would do it. I don’t like it either, but I would do it.
I would do it.
And just for fun, let’s say I was able to somehow compose myself enough to speak to Rashida’s father like that of at least a highly-functioning mentally retarded person, and also found the strength to NOT continuously hound Kidada for stories about Tupac - I STILL feel like the relationship would be in jeopardy.
Why?
Because I doubt Rashida would react favorably to finding out that her ex-fiancé Mark Ronson has been a personal hero of mine for the past decade. Hmm. Awkward.
In addition to the Mark Ronson stuff, Rashida would probably also not like the fact that I would constantly babble about how her ex-ex-fiancé Tobey Maguire is a total soup sandwich (though it’s partly the Tobey Maguire thing that makes me think I would actually have a chance of convincing her to date me).
Knowing that Ms. Jones has been romantically linked to Josh Hartnett in the past, things would also get awkward when I inevitably made fun of her for that, or when she eventually read this piece of my blog.
I mean, dating Rashida Jones would be a really good way to finally get my rap career off the ground, but I just can’t see it working. For now, I just have to DVR “Parks and Recreation” every week, scream at the TV about how lovely and adorable she is during every episode, and let my wasted heart secretly love her for eternity.
I’m sorry Rashida.
It just has to be this way.
It’s not you…it’s me (and your dad).
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