Banana Split.

I stayed up late tonight. 

Again.

During that time, I found some old pictures and videos on my computer.  I happened upon one I felt like sharing.

Another classic AM juggle.

This was taken at "Banana Split Sundays" at Club LAX a few weeks before he passed.  Easily the most fun I have ever had in a club.


[Yes kids, I was that close.]

You're welcome,

-The Todd

Blocking Out.

On Sunday nights, I play basketball in a Rec League out in Calabasas, CA.

A couple of weeks ago, my team began imposing its will on the opponent in the second half.  On one play, I ran out after a steal, caught a beautiful outlet pass, and was all alone on the offensive end of the court for what could have been an easy layup in front of my on looking girlfriend.  But, as I peaked behind me, I noticed my team’s Center (and the largest human on the team in terms of overall mass…by about 100 lbs.) running hard to trail the play.  So, rather than chalk up two more uncontested points for myself, I dropped a dime on the big man and let him rack two more on the score sheet under his own name.  

[Hey, it’s an unspoken rule in Basketball – you reward big men for running the floor.]

Two possessions later, the same big man that I had just rewarded with an easy layup was holding the ball at the top of the key.  I saw an opening under the basket, so I cut to the box.  When I arrived under the rim I noticed I was all alone.  No one saw me standing by myself in the paint…except my teammate.  So, obviously, our Center looked at me, paused, decided against passing it to me to reciprocate my previous assist, and launched a 30-foot bomb.

Wet.

It didn’t even hit the rim.  It was all net-just like when the nerd in every movie hits a jumper at the end.

Fans in the stands clapped.  

I was enraged.  

How could he NOT have returned the favor there?  And to compound it, how could he not return the favor to instead take a terrible shot (in terms of percentages and also in terms of his skill limitations)?

After the game, this set off an exchange between my Center and me about how I plan to exact revenge before the end of the season by blocking his next wide open layup attempt.

Yes, I am planning to block my own teammate’s shot.  I might even foul his ass.  Hard.

The idea of this happening really got us all thinking about what in the world the referees would do if I purposely fouled my own teammate. 

Would I actually be charged with a foul?

Would there also be a Technical foul involved?

Would he shoot free throws?

Would my teammate have the option to decline the penalty, like in Football?

We are all excited to see what happens when I put the refs on the spot.  I personally feel like this might tear a hole in the universe.

We’ll see.

(Trust me, we’ll see.)

Stay close…

You’re welcome,

-The Todd

Hank.

Thank Christ that Hank Williams, his beard and his hat have finally pissed off ESPN to a point that they have pulled his dreadful song from the opening credits of Monday Night Football. 

Hopefully, it will never return. 

I am also hopeful that my dream comes true and all memory of the song and the phrase itself disappear from the public’s memory.  Maybe then ESPN will stop using it as a caption at the top of every SportsCenter graphic during the preseason.  And also, maybe you idiots will stop making it your Facebook and Twitter status every week, anticipating some of us might find it cute. 

You're welcome,

-The  Todd 

Halloween Horror Nights 2011.

A few days back, I was driving to work and heard one of those cheesy “Halloween Horror Nights” radio commercials for a haunted house at Universal Studios here in LA.  Apparently, it appears the masses (much like myself) are no longer “horrified” by the “horror” conveyed with the customary “howling wolf,” “screeching bats,” “thunder,” “owl,” and “psycho laughing guy” sound effects (all complete with ridiculously splashy 80’s reverb).  So, for 2011 Universal stepped it up.  They paid Alice Cooper to be the spokesperson for this year’s house (because, you know, he makes things really scary).  Thus, in this year’s radio spot, Alice is talking over all of the cliché background sounds about how this year is scarier than ever. 

All of this got me thinking:

1 – “Who agreed that howling wolfs are scary?”

2 - “Who agreed that screeching bats are scary?”

3 - “Who agreed that reverb is scary?”

4 – So forth and so on.

[SIDEBAR:  This is not radio-related, but why does every Halloween party flyer have a spider web in the top-right corner?  Are those scary?]

As an Audio Producer, I am often asked to produce things for all sorts of radio and television commercials.  Naturally, I began to think about what I am frightened by, just in case I am asked to create a “Halloween” radio spot for someone this month.

Even though I have been doing this stuff for years, I have no idea how to produce a radio spot that accurately illustrates:

1 - All drivers on the LA roads being women. 

2 - All women having small boobs.

3 - Sarah Palin as President.

You’re welcome,

-The Todd

HD vs SD

I hate working for the man, so I am always looking for a way to get rich quick.  My friends and I toss out ideas on the regular in hopes that we can get something lucrative rolling.  I am happy to report I think I have it all figured out.

I have been collecting this data for a while subconsciously, but only recently realized that no woman in history has been able to tell the difference between Standard Definition and High-Definition television.

Don’t even try to correct me because we all know I am right.  

All men, at one point in time or another, have played the game where we flip back and forth between the SD and HD versions of the same channel and ask the nearest woman if she can tell the difference, to which she inevitably answers, “They look the same.”  Or, my other favorite: when your girlfriend moves to a new apartment and asks DirecTV to set her up with a SD DVR box for her 1080i flat-screen.  Or, my other favorite:  when you come home to watch something you had your girl DVR for you…and she DVR-ed it in SD.

Given this, I have made the decision to put the wheels in motion to form a technology company (specifically geared toward women) which produces small, flat-screen televisions that display images in Standard Definition only.  They will look, weigh, feel, and cost the same as actually HDTVs, but will cost far less to produce due to their shitty screens and lack of HDMI hardware-which will lead to larger financial margins for my company.

Women won’t be able to resist an expensive television that displays a terrible picture if it has interchangeable pink, red, and white faceplates.

Ladies, I don’t mean to pick on you, it’s just hard not to sometimes because you are all stupid.

You’re welcome,

-The Todd

Real World: Vegas 2.0

I’m stoked about the new Real World: Las Vegas.

It’s nice to finally have something waiting for me on my DVR when I get home from work late on Wednesday nights, but I have a request:  Can we please just skip the first episode of each new Real World series?

I don’t care about their lame submission videos.

I don’t care about where they are from or how cool they are back home.

Also, it’s painful to watch all of the foreshadowing.  As they establish everyone’s back story, we all have to fend off the urge to fast-forward through all of the “Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend” questions and all of the calls back home where the significant others try not to sound jealous when they inquire about roommates that could be a threat to their relationships.

Just get to the drinking and 6-way kissing bitches in the hot tub already.

I almost hate that they flashed forward at the end when they played the “Coming up-on this season of the Real World: Las Vegas” piece because had they not, my blog today would have proved to be prophetic.  Because one, I could somehow tell from the look in Adam’s eyes that he likes trouble.  The kind of trouble where he gets loaded and punches holes in walls and breaks coffee tables for attention. They type that scares females in the room enough to call the cops.

Nany is a slore.  It’s rare that you call a girl who’s in the midst of a 6-year relationship a slore, but I said it-and I stand by it.  She wanted to give Adam mouth-sex from the first moment she saw him.  There may not have been anything more funny in RW history than watching Nany (supposedly in a “serious” relationship) vent her obvious jealousy for the slunts Adams brought home the first couple of nights.  It won’t be long until Adam is “ears deep” in Nany.  Unfortunately, MTV already showed them kissing in the flash-forward segment, so I'm not going to look as awesome when it happens.

Dustin seems cool.  It’s fascinating to me how he knows women are so territorial that, if he kissed Heather, he would never be able to bring another female back to the house for the rest of the show…AND HE STILL DID IT.  I love it.  Heather is very “wifey,” so if a roommate was going to throw away his entire experience (that includes random “Vegas Sex” with an incalculable number of hot females in their 20’s for someone) I would say Heather was an understandable play.

Leroy reminds me of Justin Tuck and I can’t think of anything other than that.

It is so embarrassing to watch Michael talk to women.  So much so, that I may have to >> through those segments for the rest of the series.

I am intrigued by the chick from BX.  Due to the geography and population of NYC, girls from that area are used to being constantly bombarded by men left and right.  With all of the guys in the house looking to hammer different strays every night (or dating Heather) BX is going to have to do some naked hot tubbing for attention.  If not, I look for the bi-sexual angle, possibly.

All-in-all, I’m turnt up for this season.

I still miss Irulan…

You’re welcome,

-The Todd  

It's a Boy!

A good friend of mine had a new baby boy this weekend.

So, Sunday night my girlfriend and I cruised over to Cedars-Sinai in Beverly Hills to peep the newborn.

There ended up being two more friends visiting the happy parents at the same time we showed up.  After an hour or so of observing the baby and, for some reason, talking to him in voices nine octaves higher than any of us normally use, the conversation predictably turned to...iPhone apps.

At one point, the new mother asked if any of us had seen the phone application for bad drivers in Los Angeles.  To which I replied, "So, it's an app for women?"

One person in the room got the joke (and that's all I needed to keep going).

I went on to explain how-any phone app designed specifically for women needs to be designed to be seen through a cracked phone screen.



You're welcome,


-The Todd

Super Bowl (Thank You Facebook).

Yesterday, I watched 7 uninterrupted hours of playoff football.

It was glorious.

And, it got me thinking.

As much as I loathe people’s addictions to their phones and how it seems to be causing increased attention deficits these days, I found that I had no issue with my girlfriend using her iPhone’s Facebook application to scroll through all of the pointless status updates on her “friends” list for the 7 consecutive hours I was parked in front of my plasma (A.K.A. “Kordell”).  For once, Facebook relinquished its position as a pesky, unrelenting blitzer in my life and instead became a lead blocker for me on this football Sunday (yes, I hate that I just wrote that…and that I’m keeping it in, even though I do not have a boss insisting I do so).

There were no questions about how much more time was left in either of the games.

There was no pleading to get out of the apartment and do something active.

Nothing but 7 solid hours of NFL action being consumed by yours truly, one of the biggest football fans in the world.

WordsByTodd “likes” this.   

The conclusion of the Conference Championship games in the NFL means it’s time for the Super Bowl.

Guess what?

I hate the Super Bowl.

Probably not a total shocker (considering I hate everything), but interesting in that-I am such a fan of the NFL overall-yet care not for the culmination of its season.

Every year at this time, I have to explain to a few more people how a football fanatic like me could despise the Super Bowl.

Let me lay it out…

I refuse to watch the Super Bowl for all of the same reasons people who do not watch a single game all season long want to all-of-the-sudden throw a party and watch a football game.

1 - I hate the two weeks off before the Super Bowl to do nothing but build media hype for a game that needs none.  Right around noon on the Monday following the Conference Championship games, I am ready to stab myself in an artery with my remote due to looped playback of ESPN’s “Coor’s Light Six-Pack of Questions” where two analysts I don’t care about debate who has the coaching advantage, who has the better quarterback, who has the better kicker, and other questions whose answers in no way impact the outcome of the actual game.  If Tim Hasselbeck’s opinions impacted game outcomes I might actually care what he had to say.  But, alas, his opinions do nothing other than fill time, so instead it’s more Real Housewives for me (“Team Kyle” over here).

2 – I hate that, after two weeks of dissecting the matchup, there is still a 7-hour pregame show to do the exact same thing before kickoff.

3 – I hate the commercials breaks every 14 seconds all game long.  

4 – I hate the commercials themselves.  I hate that everyone talks about the commercials while I am trying to talk about the game.  And, I hate listening to people talk about the commercials the next day at work.

5 – I hate the Britney Spears, Nelly, Aerosmith, Beyonce Spring Break halftime mash-up and fireworks extravaganza.  If it was the Teen Choice Awards, I could understand.  But, it’s the Super Bowl, so I get angry because all I want to do is watch football, but the producers of the game seem to want to show me every else except football.

6 – I hate that at the end, someone goes to Disney World.

And so, for me, football season has come to an end.  Quietly, I have bowed out and shut it down.  Another season in the annals.  I shall not pout, because frankly, I need a break.  And, before we know it I’ll be DVR-ing collegiate spring games and NFL preseason action and breaking down those game tapes.

Have fun at your Super Bowl parties-where no one has any idea what the score is all night because no one is paying attention. And FYI, your favorite commercial will probably have a talking animal or baby in it.

You’re welcome,

-The Todd