Watching Football Games At Bars.

(I had a lot of fanmail action in my inbox last week in response to the “Love Actually” blog, so I figured I would keep the football theme going for one more…)

My friends are always suggesting that we “hit up a bar, grab a few beers and watch the game.”  One, I am a HUUUUUUUUUUUGE football fan.  Two, I am not a big drinker.  Three, I like to actually watch games instead of intermittently glancing at the screen between meaningless conversations with strangers, orders of rubbery boneless chicken wings and “excuse me, I need to get by you”s.

If I am going to plan my day around watching a game, then I plan to do exactly that.  If I wanted to go to a bar, stand in the aisle, constantly move out of the way of people who need to get past me, eat bad food and have hard-to-hear conversations over the dull roar of 300 people, I would have invited my friends to go out and do that, instead of watch a football game.

When it comes to watching a game, I like to be engaged for every snap of the contest.  This is impossible when you only glance at the screen every couple of minutes due to the constant interruptions of “bar activity.”  When I watch games this way, every time I look up more points are on the scoreboard and I have no idea how those points got up there.  Was it a fluke flea-flicker?  Was it a fluke turnover that lead to points?  Was it one little missed assignment on Special Teams that lead to a fluke kickoff return for a score?  Or, did one team just jam the ball down the other’s throat en route to a dominating seven-minute, 18-play scoring drive?  You see, I like to know who’s offensive and defensive lines are controlling the line of scrimmage, and which team’s coordinators have the other team best figured out.  This is the only way I can get a real sense of which team is truly “beating” the other - as the score does not always reflect the better team at every juncture of a football game.

This is where it gets fun…

Of all of the people I have noticed that like to try and move game viewings to bars, the majority of the perpetrators seem to be female. 

I understand this. 

On average, women seem to enjoy watching sports on tv less than men.  So, wives, girlfriends, chick friends, bust-it-babies and “We’re just seeing where it goes”-es tend to try and push to get out of the house so everyone can meet up and watch games at bars.  This way, the women get to socialize with the girlfriends of my guy friends, get drunk on our tabs and make every attempt possible to ensure that I do not pay any attention at all to the game we all came out to watch in the first place.

One of my ex-girlfriends used to always push to get out to the bars on Saturday evenings in the fall while I was still immersed in that day’s College Football action.  I would explain that I wanted to stay in and watch tv until all the games were over-which, in the Eastern Time Zone meant getting to the bars around 12:30 A.M.  She would kindly enlighten me to the fact that these bars would actually have their own televisions displaying the very same games I was currently watching (which, to her, was apparently the same thing as me watching from the quiet, clean, pleasantly fragrant comfort of my home).  Eventually, I would explain myself using all of the same arguments listed above in this blog and a fight would inevitably ensue

(A “fight” for those that do not know, is when a man is right and a woman does not want to admit it). 

You see, she never really understood where I was coming from…

…until I came up with the greatest idea EVER…

This ex-girlfriend of mine was particularly consumed by MTV’s fake reality show “The Hills.”  She and her friends liked to get together every week, make food, gossip and DVR the show…while they watched it live (in case a part was missed or needed to be rewound for further clarity).  So, in many ways, they were equally as anal-retentive about “The Hills” as I am about football. 

Hmmm... 

Sooooooooo, of course I would suggest one Thursday that we move the “Hills” party out of the house and over to our favorite bar.  This way, the girls could bring their boyfriends and the guys could chat and get drunk while the ladies squinted to see the screen, constantly moved out of the way of passers-by, and labored to hear muffled dialogue. 

Of course, I was an idiot for suggesting something so absurd. 

My idea was instantly met with an avalanche of criticism.  I was quickly reminded that it was a weeknight (Thursday) and that everyone needed to get up early Friday morning.  Quickly, I reminded everyone about how many Monday Night Football games we had been forced to move out to bars at the suggestion of the women so the chicks could socialize.  Getting up early for work the next day never seemed important on those weeknights.  Further, I made sure to bring to everyone’s attention that “The Hills” ends 2.5 hours earlier than MNF games, which would mean far less sleep deprivation.

Wouldn’t you know it, another “fight” ensued.

You’re welcome.

-Todd


(Scoring opportunity:  Points will be award to the first five people to post their favorite football team - College or Professional. Standard scoring is in effect  You must post your favorite team in the "comments" section of this blog  (at www.wordsbytodd.blogspot.com), and your favorite team must NOT be Ohio State.)   

College Football: My Love Actually.

If you have read any of my past entries, you have heard me make numerous remarks about my longstanding love affair with College Football. 

I love it. 

Seriously. 

Love.

The whole thing is kind of comical. 

It is also disturbing.

Almost everyone in my life tries to give me ish about how CFB takes over my life from September to December every year. 

To that, I say this: 

Friends have lives and get too busy to hang out with me.  Girlfriends come, nag, irritate, cost me money and go.  College Football is there for me every time it promises to be every September through December.

And I don’t know what it is with people always needing to tell me how to live my life.  If I was addicted to doing rails of blow, my friends and family would probably wish that I stayed home more often to do less harmful things, like watch football games.  But, since I am currently addicted to College Football, everyone wants to ride my ish about how I need to “get out more” and “do something about my football obsession.” 

I do “do something about my football obsession.”

I feed it.

I wonder if my friends and family would stop trying to tell me things if they knew that I dismiss their words of “wisdom” almost immediately after they speak them to me – and that I am affected zero by anything anyone ever tells me.

.

First, I have three TVs (see picture).  Second, I watch games on all three of them at the same time.  Next, I have remotes for all three screens which I set to two games so I can hit the “previous channel” button on each remote to effectively watch pieces of six games simultaneously. 

I get the special football package that lets me watch nearly every game that is being televised.  I blow my friends off to stay home and watch games.  I tell my girlfriends (during the brief stints that they are around) that I promise we can “get out of the house next weekend…when there are fewer good games on.”  This is obviously a lie because there are ALWAYS good games on, but I say this anyway because it buys me more time.

Part of me feels bad for the women that temporarily happen into my life.  From Jump street I am upfront with them about this obsession of mine and the time I allocate to it each and every season, but they still just don’t seem to get it.  Every girl feels like she will be the one I will find so interesting that I will miraculously waver in my conviction and watch less football during the season in which I date her…because she is just that amazing.

I don’t need to tell you how every single one of those stories ended.

To all the girls I’ve loved before (and those I will break up with in the future):  I am about to explain why you will never be more interesting than a day of watching football (in advance, I would like to say “Take it personal”)… 

Ladies, think of your favorite tv show. 

Now, imagine that your favorite tv show is three hours long.

Next, imagine that this 3-hour favorite tv show of yours airs every Saturday September through December.  New (and completely different) episodes play each Saturday on 4 different channels simultaneously.  The first wave of episodes begin at noon (EST) on MTV, NBC, Oxygen and The Style Channel.  Different (and again, All New) episodes of your show appear on each channel back-to-back-to-back until that last episodes end around midnight (EST).  This means that 12 different NEW episodes of your favorite show air in one day…EVERY SATURDAY in the Fall.  That’s 48 hours of run time in ONE DAY of nothing but your favorite tv show (which is low, because if you were really a fan you would pay for your local service provider for their “Obsession” package and unlock 15 more channels that air even more new episodes of your show.  You’ve gotta want it.).

If this happened, do you think you would want more than one tv when the season rolled around?  Would your boyfriends be able to get you to leave in the middle of the day to go with them to the grocery store?  Would you forgo watching your shows in lieu of mowing the lawn?  Would you be eager to miss your show so you could go to a bar to hang out with your boyfriend’s friends?

Exactly. 

So, shut it. 

And keep it shut. 

We don’t want to hear it.  We won’t hear it.  We are no longer listening (and not just because there’s a game on). 

You’re welcome football lovers,

-The Todd

I Could Be An Actor.

“Actor,” as everyone knows, is a highly sought after and well-respected occupation. Knowing this, most people find it arrogant when I tell them that I know I could be an actor. I figure they find this arrogant because when they hear me say the word “actor” they immediately think of their favorite actor, and then when I try to throw my name into the same industry as, say Leonardo DiCaprio, it seems like I am over-estimating myself.

When I say that I know I could be an actor, I am not even thinking about being on the “A-list.” In reality, I’m not shooting for any list higher than the letter “W.”

You see, I don’t want or need to be any sort of leading man. I just want to be a working actor that makes hundreds of thousands of dollars annually for working what equates to only a couple of months. You know, one of those guys whose name you do not know, but whose face you recognize from a few scattered movies, TV shows, commercials and Jonas Brothers videos.

I am about to explain my inspirations for this blog.

Danny Masterson. – I am sure Danny is a nice guy, but I don’t think anyone would confuse him with being any sort of extraordinary acting talent. In actuality, he was doing a bunch of nothing until he was cast into the most boring/non-demanding role in what would become the hit TV show known as “That ‘70’s Show.” Masterson walked around (but most often sat on a couch) and delivered what limited dialog was written for him without changing facial expressions. And he was extra-average at doing so.

Now, he’s rich from the TV show, has a social network of rich/famous/powerful people and has parlayed all of that into restaurants and other investments that have only made him more money.

I could be him. Easily.

(I’m already a better DJ. Yes “DJ Mom Jeans,” I am talking to you. Let me know if you think you want it. But trust, you don’t. I would take you out. DJ battle threats feel a little bit like threatening someone with a dance-off, so I will stop here.).

Josh Hartnett. – Another actor that I find unimpressive. It’s people like Josh that make people like me think becoming and actor is possible, even easy. The fact that, with zero talent, he has overcome the obstacle of looking like he has Down’s Syndrome only further fuels me. His resume reads: “Blah, blah, blah, landed the “C” role in one of the worst movies ever (“Here on Earth”), fell assbackwards into “Pearl Harbor” where he was surrounded by enough action and skilled actors that no one noticed he was completely worthless, parlayed the success of “Pearl Harbor” into the backseat of “Black Hawk Down,” parlayed BHD’s success into being handed the leading role in “40 Days and 40 Nights” (where he got paid millions to tongue down Shannon Sossamon), and all of the sudden he’s considered a “leading man.”

I am pretty confident that I could have fake flown those airplanes and for real kissed Shannon Sossamon just as effectively as Josh. I’m sorry, but I could have.

Freddy Prinze, Jr. – This d-bag is the single worst actor I have ever seen in a movie that was not for a grade.

He is completely worthless.

I get embarrassed for him when I see him “acting”…and he had his own TV show for a stretch.

I am not sure if it is more embarrassing that I saw “Summer Catch” (Jessica Biel = yums) or that in the film Freddy threw a baseball like such a school girl. What I do know is that I could be as poor of an actor as he is (all while throwing a baseball like a male).

It’s not that I think I could be as good as the best (Leonardo DiCaprio)---It’s just that I know I could be as bad as the worst (Freddy Prinze, Jr.).

Is anyone going to fight me on this?

If so, it doesn’t matter because:

1) I was asking rhetorically

2) You can’t tell me nuthin’.

Points will be issued to the first five readers to name a male actor we both know I could out act. As always, list your answers in the “comment” section of the website at www.wordsbytodd.blogspot.com (standard scoring will apply).

You’re welcome,

-The Todd (Shooting for “second-to-last” since 1981)

Reader Scoreboard #2.

Here are the up-to-date reader point totals.

Things appear to be pretty jammed up at the top. We should have that cleared up in the next couple of weeks.



1 - The Carter Posse = 10 points

2 - Jenna & Jackson = 10 points

3 - lindynicole = 5 points

4 - trina = 3 points

5 - everyone else = 0 points




If you are serious about scoring points and winning the ShamWow! that I am giving away, then bookmark/RSS this blog, read it religiously, find the trivia questions and leave your answers in the "comment" section.



You're welcome,

-Todd

Mayer Hawthorne.

I first heard about Mayer Hawthorne back in November of 2008. I was taking my weekly cruise through DJ A-Trak’s blog when I found an interesting piece Trizzy wrote about a heart-shaped vinyl record (http://djatrak.com/2008/11/25/trizzy-likes-stones-throws-heart-shaped-vinyl/). Always looking to add interesting pieces to my vinyl collection, I scoured the netweb for the song on the heart-shaped record to see if the vinyl was worthy of a purchase. After landing at YouTube and watching the unofficial video for Mayer Hawthorne’s “Just Ain’t Gonna Work Out,” I was mesmerized (okaaaaay, obsessed). “Just Ain’t Gonna Work Out” instantly became my favorite (current) song. Four minutes and ten seconds later, it was bumped to #2 after I watched the video for the B-side track “When I Said Goodbye”…and nearly shat myself. Next, I pulled up the video for “I Wish It Would Rain” and went officially crazy in my apartment. Seven minutes and fifty-one seconds after “Just Ain’t Gonna Work Out” became my favorite (current) song, it dropped to 3^rd place behind two other Mayer Hawthorne tracks that, to this day, remain tied for my #1 spot.

It is not often that one goes to check out a new artist and finds that the first three songs he stumbles upon are unbelievably dope. Well, it happened.

From there, I jumped on his MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, iTunes and YouTubed everything that came up under any and all spelling variations of his name.

It’s not “stalking” if I’m not sexually attracted to him, right?

Who was this guy? And, why was he making Motown/Soul/Doo-Wop records in 2008? All of those questions could be answered later, but at that point, I headed straight to Stone’s Throw’s website (http://www.stonesthrow.com/) and dropped one of those heart-shaped 7”s onto my America Express card as if it were hot.

The answers to the aforementioned are: He is a 29-year old white guy from Ann Arbor Michigan that writes, sings, produces and plays multiple instruments. Oh, and he was a DJ before any of this happened. He makes Soul music because he grew up outside of Detroit (like, “Hitsville” Detroit…as in “Motown”). The wild part is, he had been Djing primarily Hip-Hop for years before recording his first Doo-Wop tracks as a side project. After hearing only two demo tracks, Peanut Butter Wolf (head of Stones Throw Records) asked Mayer to record an entire album under the Stones Throw imprint. The best way I can describe the sound is: “Smokey Robinson meets…that kid you know from down the street that plays an instrument.”

It has become fashionable of late to say things like “People don’t sing about anything anymore” and “They don’t make music like they used to.” If you are one of these people, please check out Mayer Hawthorne and then stop talking (Oh, and pick up Raphael Saadiq’s “The Way I See It” album that came out last year).

While Mayer Hawthorne is taking it back to the old Soul sound, he is also incorporating contemporary elements into his material in an effort to take the movement even further. For example, at the beginning of “I Wish It Would Rain” he plays an arpeggiated synth line that reminds me of what Jazze Pha laid down on Tela’s club classic “Sho Nuff” (yeah, that was back in ’96 but you see where I’m going with this).

Unfortunately for my generation, we primarily associate going to a club with raging out to Hip-Hop or Electro. Don’t get it twisted up, I love and own more Hip-Hop and Electro records than anyone you know, but at the same time, I have been aching for a Soul singer to come out so I could put on a suit, go to the show and slow dance with my date like they did back in ’68.

I’m tired of raging.

I want to go concerts where artists are performing music that evokes the type of emotion that makes me want to look my girl in the eyes, kiss her passionately, and tell her that we should really consider “taking things to the next level”… as soon as she graduates high school. A Mayer Hawthorne show seems like the type of setting where that could happen.

Man crush? Maybe. Either way, I the full-length dropped this Tuesday and I am copping it today.

If you are from L.A., you have probably known about MH for a while since DJ Felli Fel has been playing “Just Ain’t Gonna Work Out” in his “New @ 2:00” mixes on Power 106 for months now. I did not write this piece for you Angel City residents already in the know. I wrote this for the people that have not had the privilege of hearing Mayer Hawthorne’s music yet. I am less concerned with who heard it first and more concerned that people simply get it. I mean, I just bought a Donny Hathaway album last week. It doesn’t matter when I got it; it just matters that I have it.

I am always calling my friends to tell them about new artists. Often times, I will email these friends mp3s for their iPods to help drive the message home. One of the interesting things about Mayer Hawthorne’s music is that, for the first time, I want to call my grandpa and tell him that I have some new hot sh*t for is tape deck.

Consequently, if they release Hawthorne’s album on cassette, I may already have grandpa’s X-mas present in the bag.

All of this because Stone’s Throw pressed up MH’s first single on turbo-dope, heart-shaped vinyl and A-Trak thought it was cool enough to post a picture of said record on his blog. It’s crazy how word gets around these days.

If you don’t know about Mayer Hawthorne, get familiar.

Once you’re familiar, get the album.

You’re welcome,

-Todd

http://www.myspace.com/mayerhawthorne

Poppin' Tags.

The picture above has sparked a debate within my circle of friends (okay…triangle of friends), so I am looking to my readers to help settle the dispute with some sort of majority vote.

I emailed the photo in question to several of my friends with a message that said:

“Really?!?! When the material is that sheer?!?! I mean, I know you are going to return the dress, but…”

Several emails came back laughing that I caught the lady wearing a dress that she obviously plans to return. Other emails replied back that the defendant must have simply forgotten to remove the tag and surely plans to keep the dress. Lastly, one email replied back that I was ugly.

Specifics:

I took the picture last weekend in Burbank California at a Chipotle (Mexican restaurant). The lady was pregnant and had three children with her. I figure the ages of the children to be around nine years-old, six years-old, four years-old, and T-minus four months-old.

The three children not wearing an umbilical cord all had ice cream cones from the Coldstone Creamery next door. Mom apparently skipped the ice cream in favor of a burrito, as she was the only one in her party who ordered while at Chipotle.

Also, the children screamed a lot.

So go on. Consider the facts and weigh in. We really need to get this settled.

Also, the first person to leave feedback in the “comment” section of actual website www.wordsbytodd.blogspot.com will receive ten points. Second place will receive five points. Third place will get three points. Fourth place gets two points. And, last and also least, Fifth place will receive one measly point. Sixth place can suck it along with the rest of you slack-ass bastards.

You’re welcome.

-Todd

(A little proof that every thought I have somehow comes back to a Jay-Z song…)