College Football: My Love Actually.

If you have read any of my past entries, you have heard me make numerous remarks about my longstanding love affair with College Football. 

I love it. 

Seriously. 

Love.

The whole thing is kind of comical. 

It is also disturbing.

Almost everyone in my life tries to give me ish about how CFB takes over my life from September to December every year. 

To that, I say this: 

Friends have lives and get too busy to hang out with me.  Girlfriends come, nag, irritate, cost me money and go.  College Football is there for me every time it promises to be every September through December.

And I don’t know what it is with people always needing to tell me how to live my life.  If I was addicted to doing rails of blow, my friends and family would probably wish that I stayed home more often to do less harmful things, like watch football games.  But, since I am currently addicted to College Football, everyone wants to ride my ish about how I need to “get out more” and “do something about my football obsession.” 

I do “do something about my football obsession.”

I feed it.

I wonder if my friends and family would stop trying to tell me things if they knew that I dismiss their words of “wisdom” almost immediately after they speak them to me – and that I am affected zero by anything anyone ever tells me.

.

First, I have three TVs (see picture).  Second, I watch games on all three of them at the same time.  Next, I have remotes for all three screens which I set to two games so I can hit the “previous channel” button on each remote to effectively watch pieces of six games simultaneously. 

I get the special football package that lets me watch nearly every game that is being televised.  I blow my friends off to stay home and watch games.  I tell my girlfriends (during the brief stints that they are around) that I promise we can “get out of the house next weekend…when there are fewer good games on.”  This is obviously a lie because there are ALWAYS good games on, but I say this anyway because it buys me more time.

Part of me feels bad for the women that temporarily happen into my life.  From Jump street I am upfront with them about this obsession of mine and the time I allocate to it each and every season, but they still just don’t seem to get it.  Every girl feels like she will be the one I will find so interesting that I will miraculously waver in my conviction and watch less football during the season in which I date her…because she is just that amazing.

I don’t need to tell you how every single one of those stories ended.

To all the girls I’ve loved before (and those I will break up with in the future):  I am about to explain why you will never be more interesting than a day of watching football (in advance, I would like to say “Take it personal”)… 

Ladies, think of your favorite tv show. 

Now, imagine that your favorite tv show is three hours long.

Next, imagine that this 3-hour favorite tv show of yours airs every Saturday September through December.  New (and completely different) episodes play each Saturday on 4 different channels simultaneously.  The first wave of episodes begin at noon (EST) on MTV, NBC, Oxygen and The Style Channel.  Different (and again, All New) episodes of your show appear on each channel back-to-back-to-back until that last episodes end around midnight (EST).  This means that 12 different NEW episodes of your favorite show air in one day…EVERY SATURDAY in the Fall.  That’s 48 hours of run time in ONE DAY of nothing but your favorite tv show (which is low, because if you were really a fan you would pay for your local service provider for their “Obsession” package and unlock 15 more channels that air even more new episodes of your show.  You’ve gotta want it.).

If this happened, do you think you would want more than one tv when the season rolled around?  Would your boyfriends be able to get you to leave in the middle of the day to go with them to the grocery store?  Would you forgo watching your shows in lieu of mowing the lawn?  Would you be eager to miss your show so you could go to a bar to hang out with your boyfriend’s friends?

Exactly. 

So, shut it. 

And keep it shut. 

We don’t want to hear it.  We won’t hear it.  We are no longer listening (and not just because there’s a game on). 

You’re welcome football lovers,

-The Todd