Movie Review #1: "Valentine's Day"

I finally saw the movie.  As a reward for everyone, I figured I would write up a quick review.

Overall, the plot was for the most part believable, and at the same time, the road less traveled.  As an added bonus, they were able to hold a couple of surprises until the very end. These sorts of things do not happen very often in romantic comedies and I am appreciative.

Now that I work in television, I pay close attention to camera angles, shot selection and continuity.  With that in mind, I can easily say this is one of the most poorly edited big-budget films I have ever seen.  There was an abundance of bad cuts in this film, but the one that bothered me most was the “North Hollywood” scene (not surprising if you know where I live).  One minute Hector Elizondo is whipping his Cadillac CTS North on Lankershim boulevard under the egregious, nuclear yellow “NoHo” sign, and in the next shot he is driving West in some other neighborhood in Los Angeles.  Admittedly this jumped out at me because I live about three blocks north of the ugly “NoHo” sign, and was able to easily recognize the break in continuity (because if they had stayed with the shot sequence, Hector would have driven right past my building in the shot after the close-up of the sign).  What’s wrong people, were the next three blocks of North Hollywood too real for you?  

Continuing with my negative comments, and this one is no fault of the filmmakers, but I was not happy to see Hector Elizondo attending a Cinespia screening.  The reason I am pissed is because it is one of the coolest things to do during the summer in L.A. – and because of this, it is crunkalicious every weekend.  Now, after having been featured in an enormously popular film, I figure Cinespia will be even more packed this summer…and the majority of the newcomers are probably going to be tourists.  So, thanks for that.

Continuing on…

I like George Lopez.  He seems like a genuinely nice man.  Also, I typically find him to be funny (unless it is during the monologue on his current show).  Further, George did great work in this film.  He was able to dial back the comedy and act like a regular guy that was believable as Reed’s best friend.  But, after viewing “Valentine’s Day,” I personally feel that Mr. Lopez needs to be more judicious about the way he is lit in his scenes.  Something about being outside in the Cali sunshine in a pink hoodie made the skin on his face look like it caught on fire and someone put it out with a 9-iron.

Taylor Swift was hot, but that was about it.  Before you start firing up your hate emails in defense of America’s sweetheart, hear me out.  I have a very high opinion of Swifty.  She lives her life surrounded by paparazzi and somehow manages to do so with the utmost grace, even at her tender age.  Her last album was fire, and I don’t really even listen to Country music (unless it’s George Strait).  Further, she was surprisingly versatile and undeniably hilarious when she hosted Saturday Night Live (her monologue, her Shakira impersonation).  I realize how much sense it made to cast her in this role, but she just did not seem ready.  She took “ditzy, blonde teen cheerleader” so far over the top that I had to look away on more than one occasion.  She was at 241 when all she needed was 30.  I am not sure if director Garry Marshall somehow thought her performance was really dialed in, or if he was simply reluctant to actually direct Ms. Swift.  Or, maybe he directed his balls off and she gave him nothing but “yuck” in return (this seems most likely).  Either way, TS ruined a large part of this film for me (still looking forward to your next album though, boo).

I was happy to see that Jessica Alba was finally in a movie that I would attend while sober.  I was unhappy when I saw how underwhelming her role was.  They didn’t give her a lot to work with, so she was not able to show her true talent (breasts).  Either way, I hope this is a sign of roles to come for Jessica.  In the meantime, I will continue my attempts to telekinetically impregnate her.  I remain convinced that I am her child’s father.

Well, I guess that is about it.

I feel like this really sucked,

-Toddy Maltin