Lea Thompson.

  

Like most people born in the 80's, my favorite movie is "Whichever volume of Back to the Future is Playing at the Time."  I have spent an incalculable number of nights blowing off friends to watch Marty McFly shred skateboard at Hill Valley's town square, and guitar at "The Enchantment Under The Sea" Dance.  Admittedly, the trilogy's 3rd installment blows in comparison to the first 2, but regardless, I will forgo anything my other 5,000 channels have to offer in order to watch all, or even fractions, of any BTTF film.

Moreover, I want a Delorean.  Not so much in a nerdy "Comic-Con" way, but in more of a "fuck yeah" way (though, those may be the same).

A few weeks back, when I was "researching" George Clooney's address for a post, I stumbled upon a very sexual nugget of information.  As it turns out, Lea Thompson (Lorraine Baines-McFly) currently lives just a few driveways down from GC's Fryman Canyon home.  Had I known her address during my teenage years, I probably wouldn't be able to legally get within 200 yards of her today, due to the amount of "research" I would presumably have done with my binoculars.  By now, it has probably become clear that Lea was the object of my affection (loins) for most of my life (AKA, I wanted to take her to "The Enchantment Under The PANTS" Dance).

Recently, while discussing my Clooney post with a friend, I mentioned how it was actually cooler for me to see Lea Thompson's house than it was for me to snoop around George's.   My friend proceeded to tell me that her brother randomly met Lea in '92 and "went on a few dates with her."  Immediately sick with jealousy, I launched a full-scale interrogation, with my iPhone serving as the scorching hot admission-evoking lamp.  I needed details.  She wasn't about to simply leave it at "went on a few dates."

After some back-and-forth, I deduced that the 1992 dates took place in Kansas City, Missouri. As legend has it, the brother approached Lea from the opposite side of a fence while she was jumping on a trampoline at her friend's house (presumably in a wet t-shirt).  Flirtatious conversation ensued and contact information was exchanged.  Sadly, the story was too odd and specific to be fake.

Though I didn't know if my poor heart would be able to deal with the answer, I had to ask "The Question."  I knew Lea poked her phone number through a hole in the fence on that fateful day back in 1994, but I had to know if my friend's brother poked his penis through the hole in Lea's vagina.  After several deep breaths, I demanded the answer.

Could my friend possibly have a brother smooth enough to defile Lea Thompson at the height of her fame and sexiness?  If so, could simply hearing about it decades later scar me for life and ruin all future viewings of the BTTF trilogy?  In the event the relationship was consummated, would I consider Lea to have cheated on me, though she was much older and we have still never met?  Though I found out years ago that Lea had kids, was I still foolishly hoping that she was "saving herself" for me?  Regardless of the goings-on in 1992, would I still smash Lea Thompson today, just for sport and legend?

1) Yes.
2) Yes.
3) Yes.
4) Yes.
5) Yes.

As told to me, the guy beat Lea's cakes like they owed him trick money.  Thankfully, he didn't do it in the back of a Delorean.  That would have sent me barreling over my threshold.

After learning all of this news, I am not ashamed to admit I was semi-comatose for a couple of weeks. Several days were spent in a catatonic state.  As you can imagine, all of my creative projects were pushed back.

And so it is.  I am currently on the long road to putting the pieces back together, which includes finding a new favorite 80s movie.  Fortunately, there are a lot of solid films to choose from.  Unfortunately, I had already chosen the best one of all - and now that's completely fucked.


Forgive the crudity of the article; I didn't have time to build it to scale.



You're welcome,


_Todd