Over (2-16-2010)

Getting Your (insert noun) on.  I saw this ad on a bus stop in North Hollywood this week.  Once the people handling the “Smokey The Bear” ad account align with a catch phrase, it’s a pretty good idea to sprint in the opposite direction. 

I am a fan of Chelsea Lately.  And, considering how unapologetic and progressive her show is, I am shocked to see that she still allows her promo tagline to be “Get Your Chelsea On.”  Really?  How can she make fun of other people for their shortcomings while sporting that tagline?  Either way, as of today (or as of 1998, depending on where you live) no one is getting their anything on any longer.  Agreed?  Agreed.

Mr. T impressions.  We know, you pity the foo’. In 1978, we did too. 

Pouring out liquor to your dead homies.  Given the meteoric popularity rise of African-American culture in the 1990’s, thanks to films like “Boyz N The Hood,” it was permissible for several years thereafter for White people to make ironic jokes about pouring out liquor to their dead homies.  That ended.   When I saw Dave Duchovny doing this in a “Californication” rerun a few months ago, I winced in embarrassment.  That show is too good, and this gesture it too old.

Blow-up sex dolls.  I am just ready for people to be ready to be over these kinds of cheap jokes.  If executed in the perfect situation by the proper personnel this could still play, but it’s safe for everyone to move forward assuming that you and your situation do not fit those criteria.

Clapping in restaurants when a staff member drops something.  First, it isn’t funny.  Second, they are trying as hard as they can.  Third, they hate their jobs enough already.  Ninth, who the hell are you?  You’re a dumbass, and we all know you’re a dumbass-so stop acting like you never make mistakes.  Remember your Von Dutch hat?  So do we.  Stop clapping.

Olive garden commercials.  I don’t generally watch commercials because I DVR everything in an effort to bypass stupid commercials such as these and make my obsessive TV watching 20% more efficient.  But, occasionally I will catch a live program and every time I do, I seem to end up suffering through the horror of an Olive Garden commercial. 

First, I can’t help but think I could be an Advertising executive when I see how atrocious the creative is on this account.  It can’t be that hard to cast bad actors and have them recite unfortunate copy in the most cheese-dick way possible.  Why I am not an overpaid/underachieving ad exec again?

After all of the scriptwriting, casting, acting and directing went straight to hell, they could have at least hired a good voice-over talent to handle the tag lines…but no.

Dear Olive Garden, is there any way I could get you to hand your advertising account over to me and a couple of dudes I know?  We kinda sorta know a little about writing, producing, editing and voice acting.  What we don’t know, I am somewhat confident we might be able to learn.  In any event, I am sure we could produce equally dreadful promos for your company, and at a twentieth of the cost of your current agency.  If interested, hit me up at WordsByTodd@Gmail.com.  I don’t have a phone, but I will get back to you as soon as I see an email.  Let me know. 

OG, if you dudes want to see a cover letter first...well I just happen to have a few of mine online. 

The Disney vault.   Some things are so lame that it makes me grit my teeth.  This is one of those things.  I wish these bastards would make one literal version of a promo where they explain that they are going to start withholding copies of their films for years at a time in an effort to create artificial demand.  And, that no copy of any movie of theirs will ever be “gone forever.”      

“Are you ready for some football?”  Yes, I am.  I just hate when you put this as your Facebook status before the season starts.  It is not original.  It is not cute.  It IS annoying.

 

Breaking wood planks with your Martial Arts.  Not gonna lie, Suuuuuuper dope when Karate Kid came out in 1984.  The only issue is, it’s 2010.  Regretfully, I saw a guy doing this on the Ellen DeGeneres show a couple of weeks ago.  C’mon White people...

  

Michael Buffer and getting ready to rumble.  Michael, everyone hates you.  But, if they’re dumb enough to pay-it only makes cents to continue to cash their checks.  It’s just important that while you are cashing the checks you know that we all wish something semi-serious would happen to you and your vocal chords, thereby rendering you unable to speak.  Ever again.

Further, it is my personal feeling that anyone involved with any of the Jock Jams albums should be forced to move to Siberia or face public stoning (Technotronic , Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock, Notorious B.I.G., Puffy, and Deborah Cox are excluded, of course).

Making a “record scratch” motion and sound effect when someone talks about DJing.   Unfortunately, I have been a DJ for years and have consequently run into this on an incalculable amount of occasions.  I have a sneaking suspicion that people do this for my benefit.  Quick note, it does not make me like you.  In fact, it makes me want to stab you in the neck with the nearest writing utensil.

Thermometers that represent some sort of numeric goal and are progressively filled in with red marker to symbolize progress.  Twenty more boxes of cookies and it looks like you will break the National Girl Scout record!  PS – we would all understand just as clearly if you didn’t put the bulb at the bottom of the thermometer drawing.  What a waste of perfectly good red Sharpie.

These things matter. 

Please spread this around. 

We really need to start taking action.

You’re welcome,

-Words