Cover Letters.

The last couple of blogs have been about unemployment. Whilst talking via mobile telephone to a friend who is currently searching for a new job, we ended up on the topic of resume cover letters. I told him that I had written some cover letters in my days back in Indianapolis that would make every teacher I ever had shake his head in disgust, disbelief or both.

I found three of the cover letters in my archives and emailed them to my friend for inspiration. He thought they were funny, so I figured I would share them with everyone before I put the unemployment topic on ice. Maybe these will help some of yous guys get past your cover letter writer’s block. Hey, I'm hear to help.

To be clear, the first one is a cover letter in the traditional sense. The second one was an email that I attached my resume to. The third piece is the follow-up email to number two.



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1)

Hello.

My name is Todd (name deleted for purpose of internet anonymity). I am currently searching for a stressful, chaotic, underpaid and CREATIVE position with a non-lame Marketing firm here in the Indianapolis area.

I have been doing extensive research into the Advertising/Marketing/Communications companies in Indianapolis and have become particularly interested in (company name here). Having worked in the Advertising industry here in Indianapolis for the past several years, I am quite familiar with (company name here)’s remarkable work and reputation. Also, I feel like my experience, creativity and personality could possibly be a really good fit there. Just perusing the projects on (company name here) 's website has me foaming at the mouth (and brain) with ideas.

I have attached my resume for you to immediately trash. If for some reason you read it, I hope you will find it to be a good match for (company name here) …instead of not.

I look forward to the possibility of wasting your time with an interview and facility visit. I always love wearing a suit, meeting higher-ups and lying about how qualified I am for jobs...if only for an hour or so.

Thank you for your time.


Kindest Regards,


Todd (last name deleted for purpose of internet anonymity) (AKA "The Todd" … AKA "T-Sizzle")



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2)

Hello Heidi!

My name is Todd (last name deleted for purpose of internet anonymity). Once you receive this email, I will be the leading candidate for (company name here) 's Public Relations Account Executive opening.

I am as creative, organized and nontraditional as you will find. My work ethic borders on obsessive and as luck would have it, I also happen to be hilarious. I am probably sounding like a perfect candidate right about now, right? Lovely, please read on.

Please take a second to peruse my resume. Once you have had a chance to look over my materials, I am certain that you will be looking to set up an immediate interview. I hope we can set up a meeting because I am even BETTER in person than on paper (as improbable as that may sound. Am I right?).

Please do not mistake my confidence for arrogance. Sometimes, things just fit and when I read this job listing on Monster.com I knew right then that I was the person your company was hoping to find when (company name here) placed the job listing.

I realize how much of a pain it must be to look through stacks of boring resumes to fill a position. It probably seems never-ending. Make it easy on yourself and put me on the top of the list. I am only trying to save you some time.

So, please take a second to peruse my resume and then call me to set up
that interview! If nothing else, I will make you laugh...that is a
promise.

I CAN DO THIS JOB!


Kindest Regards,


Todd (last name deleted for purpose of internet anonymity)



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3)

Heidi,

I am concerned that something catastrophic has happened. This is the only scenario I can come up with that would explain why your company has not yet contacted me about the Public Relations Account Executive job opening that needs filled. I mean, obviously you guys did not fill this position without even interviewing me did you? That would be a tragedy.

Call me crazy, but I am sensing some definite chemistry between myself and your email account. Even if all positions have already been filled, I feel we should schedule an interview just so we can kick it. I am a pretty entertaining individual (as you might have guessed from the witty banter exuded in my emails). At least let me come in and chat you folks up a little bit. You will not be disappointed.

Idea: everyone likes to eat; maybe we make this a lunch meeting. And do not worry, I loathe the awkwardness at the end of group meals too, so rather than argue about it later, I will just come right out and let you know now that I will allow you to pick up the check.

Please do not tell me that you have already hired some goofball with a General Studies degree from Butler and an affinity for ugly ties purchased from the Sears Men's department. I have seen this unfortunate scenario too many times. Honestly, take a look around your office. How many times do you think to yourself "Wow, it is amazing how many Soup Sandwiches we have working here. Why did we ever hire these people?" The good news is that you can put an end to this vicious cycle of bad hires. Start today by interviewing me.


Holler Back,


Todd (last name deleted for the purpose of internet anonymity)


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(It's a wonder I was unemployed for so many months...)


You’re welcome,

-Todd