Over (10-26-08)

The following things are over, done with, finished, Hasselhoff. So, if any of the following happen to apply to you, please understand that you need to immediately check yourself.

1 – Juggling. I am told that juggling was widely considered to be interesting generations ago. For obvious reasons, I am unable to comprehend this, but whatever. Though I desperately want to, I cannot accurately comment on trends that originated before my birth. What I can do is comment on today, and today, juggling is cheesy. Like, “Macarena” cheesy. Work with me people.

2 – Ed Hardy. Ed Hardy is the new Von Dutch. Would you be caught wearing one of your 55 Von Dutch hats these days? Precisely. This is how ridiculous Ed Hardy is going to seem in about eight months (or now, depending on which blog you are reading). I know that this is going to be hard to swallow for those of you with those awesome hoodies with the bedazzled tigers on the back (insert patronizing “tiger” sfx here), but it is what it is.

In an effort to avoid hours of deleting all of your MySpace and Facebook photos where you were caught modeling your own personal 2007 Ed Hardy collection, you should probably just make the necessary “Space” and “Face” updates now and burn any and all of your EH paraphernalia.

3 – David Hasselhoff. Apparently, there was a time when David Hasselhoff was some sort of celebrity (again, I am told this). Years later, after his inevitable fall from the heights of mediocrity, it would become fashionable to make fun of this goofy bastard for his desperate attempts to cling to his past pseudo-celebrity status. Even with the advent of slightly amusing nicknames such as “’Hoff” used for poking fun at this German freak, two decades worth of using Mr. Hasselhoff as a punch line has worn terribly thin. It is not even funny to say his name to be ironic about people who still use his name to be ironic anymore. Seriously, nothing more. Ever.

4 – Beatboxing. When I see/hear people attempting to “make Rap beats” with their voices, I have to shut my eyes and plug my ears. For some reason, I am overcome with embarrassment for the people doing the beatboxing and have to throw an autistic fit to remove myself from the situation (since beaming myself to another geographical location is not yet a possibility).

I hate beatboxing with every fiber of my being. That said, I understand it. I realize that the technology we have today did not always exist, and that back in the day when people wanted to “spit hot fire” during a “Rap battle” in The Bronx, folks would either have to drag a table, a record player, a DJ mixer, some records, a pair of speakers and a power source out into the middle of a neighborhood park, or save two hours and just do it with their voices.

Now, we no longer need beatboxing. If someone really needs to start rapping out of nowhere, someone can just pull out their laptop or iPod and cue up and instrumental. Yet, there are people everywhere that are under the unfortunate impression that it is still okay to beatbox. The information these beatboxers are receiving is incorrect.

I was scared when I saw Justin Timberlake’s attempts to make beatboxing “hot” again when he pulled it out a few times on his last album and world tour. I only heard the first few notes at his concert before I went “Hellen Keller,” but I heard enough to know that Justin is just as bad as the rest. Maybe he is not all that bad, it is just that it is impossible to sound “cool” or “good” when doing something as ridiculous as beatboxing.

I am asking that we all just let this burn. It is over.

5 – Saying “Oooooooh” when you are in an establishment and the staff at that establishment decides to dim the lights.

I believe I first began noticing kids doing this when I went to my first school dance in 5^th grade. Instantly, I was bothered by this phenomenon, but I took comfort in the thought that this stupid practice must certainly be confined to awkward Midwestern pre-teens that could not figure out how to dance on beat to “Hip-Hop Hooray.” Much to my dismay, I am 16 years removed from 5^th grade, living in Los Angeles California and continuing to run into grown-ass people who are still committing this heinous social offense.

This past Saturday night, after batting 1-for-3 with two errors at a Hollywood nightclub, I hit up nearby Café 101 with my downtrodden wingman for a full recap of the night’s events. Shortly after ordering our provisions, the restaurant staff decided to dim the lights and, as if scripted, 15 or so patrons simultaneously yelled “Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh” as if the dimming of the lights was some sort of cue from Café 101’s staff to ignite a cafe-wide orgy. It wasn’t funny, so I didn’t laugh. It was tragic, so I did drop and my head and shake it in total disgust.

What is this seriously about? I guess this behavior perpetuates because no one is ever told they need to stop. Luckily, this is exactly the type of reason for which I created this blog. Right here, right now, I am documenting that this unfortunate behavior needs to end. Shut it down.

You’re welcome.

-Todd

Todd’s Power Index 25 (TPI-25)

I am a College Football fanatic. For my religiously devoted readers (big shout to both of you) this is not news. For the uninitiated, it is highly important that you comprehend this obsession of mine for a couple of reasons. This first reason is I want readers to really understand who I am. The second reason is because College Football was the inspiration for this blog entry.

Whilst watching my customary nine football games (and one baseball game) this past Saturday morning, afternoon and evening, I got caught up in the College Football rankings. Usually, I do not pay any attention to the rankings, but numerous highly-ranked teams have lost games in the past couple of weeks, so I began pontificating what this weekend’s action would leave the polls looking like.

Now, the reason I generally ignore the College Football rankings is because they are compiled by a few smart people…and a lot of morons. And, as we all know, too many morons mixed into your experiment can really skew the results of your research. In addition, the ranking of the teams at the bottom of the College Football Top 25 means very little to anyone. In College Football, you need to end the season ranked in the top eight to matter. The teams that end up outside of the top eight are left to sort out which meaningless bowl game in which awful destination they will be playing in (while no one watches) come December. Thus, the teams ranked 15-25 all season long are basically there so alums from those schools will have a bounce in their step on Mondays at the office when they get to bore co-workers with talk about how their school is ranked in the Top 25 for the first time in 400 years (I’m talking to YOU Ball State fans. Congratulations BSU, you are going to Albuquerque to play in The No One Cares Bowl this year, instead of the usual trip to North Dakota to get waxed by Southwest Missouri State in the I Thought We Packaged The Dakotas With Montana And Gave It All To Canada In Exchange For Absolutely Nothing Bowl).

I was on the phone this weekend discussing these exact matters with a close friend of mine and it became QUITE clear that I needed to officially launch my very own Top 25. But, since no one really cares about half of the College Football teams in the CFB Top 25, I decided to sprinkle NON-football-related things into my Power Index. The world needs a comprehensive list of teams (and other items) that are really worth the recognition that comes with being nationally ranked.

Yes, I realize that there is absolutely zero correlation between any of the things that made the list which are NOT College Football teams. Moreover, I understand that it is really hard to figure out how each item achieved its ranking. All I can do is assure you all that I gave this a lot of thought and everything is accurate (at time of post).

Alright, let’s go right in…

1 – Florida

2 – USC

3 – Jay-Z

4 – Texas

5 – Tina Fey

6 – Georgia

7 – Alabama

8 – T.I.

9 – Gossip Girl

10 – Oklahoma

11 – Jessica Alba

12 – Tampa Bay Rays

13 – Jessica Alba

14 – Pray For Hotness

15 – IKEA

16 – T.I. – Live Your Life (Feat. Rihanna)

17 – Penn State

18 – Kid Cudi – Day ‘N’ Nite (Crookers Remix)

19 – Audi S8

20 – Ernie Gaines – Sip It (Feat. T.I.)

21 – http://wordsbytodd.blogspot.com/

22 – Lou Holtz’s lisp

23 – Releasing a song that DOES NOT have Lil Wayne on it

24 – American Apparel

25 – Ball State

Others Receiving Votes: Tenacious DJs, Texas Tech, BYU, Remixed versions of tracks off of Kanye West’s new album that are circulating the internet even though the original versions of the songs have not even been officially released yet, Utah (the football team, not the state…ever), Megan Fox, Rick Ross, DJ A-Trak, Seinfeld reruns, Boise State, Stat Quo, The Office, Will Ferrell’s Robert Goulet impression, George Clooney, Zoe Saldana, Kate Beckinsale, Zooey Deschanel, Minka Kelly, Rachel McAdams, NOT owning anything with Ed Hardy’s name on it.

1 – Florida. I realize that Florida has already lost a game, but they play in the SEC and that sort of thing happens.

The morons over at the AP Poll had the gators ranked 12^th coming into 10/11/08. Um, no. Name 11 teams that could beat UF right now. If you answered “USC” and then stalled out, you are correct.

Just because Team A loses a game does not mean that the team ranked below Team A that won their game that week deserves to jump Team A in the rankings. If I believe that Florida is better than Texas, Florida loses and Texas wins (but they didn’t play each other), I am allowed to keep Florida ranked above Texas (depending on how each team performed in their respective games). Why doesn’t this make sense to people?

2 – USC. I have never in my life seen a team go 3-deep at nearly every position on the entire squad. Sometimes I wonder if this is a gift as well as a curse. With players rotating all of the time (to keep them happy, so they don’t transfer to a school where they would get more playing time) you figure some continuity is lost, right? Anyway, they are stacked with athletes and all I want is to see them play Florida. They obviously went to sleep against Oregon State, but who wouldn’t? The word “Oregon” makes me want to take a nap…and slap Joey Harrington.

3 – Jay-Z. Ok, so this brings us to our first non-college football-related item. Be clear, Sean Carter is killing it…still. After retiring from recording, breaking up with his colleagues that helped him start Rocafella Records, selling his stakes in both Rocawear clothing and Armadale vodka and stepping down as President of Def Jam, he is STILL killing it.

Jay has jumped back into the booth, spit countless classic new verses, given us two more classic albums (with Blueprint 3 on the way), made every music act that toured last year look stupid after the numbers he and Mary J. put up together, used his success with he and Mary’s tour to ink an enormous deal with Live Nation, and he also gave his last name to Beyonce. Goodness, I just want to be his intern…and I’m a grown man.

4 – Texas. The Longhorns should really feel privileged to be ranked this high…because I hate Texas (in every sport). I am not exactly sure why I hate Texas, but it has something to do with: That dreadful burnt orange color, Coach Mack Brown’s accent, the outfits the school band wears and the fact that, of all the Texas schools, I favor A&M (Gig ‘Em Aggies!).

I just Googled and found out that my last three reasons for hating the University of Texas were not even needed because loathing a school solely based on that school's colors is 100 % permissible under the University of Tennessee Volunteer Orange Statute.

It hurts me, but I have to be real and give Texas their due. I was not all that impressed with them, even after their win over Oklahoma; but after seeing them dominate Missouri I can no longer ignore this team.

Texas’ defensive line simply took the Missouri game over. I have watched Missouri play a few games. I have seen enough to know that Missouri’s offensive line is not that bad, it’s just that Texas’ front four (and sometimes three) are that good. I do not know if anyone can block those beasts long enough to complete a pass. Things are going to get very interesting in the CFB Top 5 in the next few weeks.

5 – Tina Fey. First, she is an amazingly talented woman. Second, she has so much “funny” in her veins that I spend hours each day attempting to channel it. I do not like to admit that people are more funny than I am, but I am not at all ashamed to admit that I finish a distant 7,684th to this gorgeous treat. Third (but honestly first), I want to not-so-secretly break up Tina’s marriage and give her a second child.

SNL was funny for the first time in years when she was there. Now, “30 Rock” is the best show on television. “Mean Girls” and “Baby Mama” were both funny as balls – and she writes IT ALL. DAMN IT. I get so frustrated/excited/turned on just thinking about it.

To close, I do realize that if Tina Fey remains ranked in the top eight at the end of the College Football season she may have to play the University of Florida in The Fiesta Bowl. I am not exactly sure how that would happen, but it would probably take a lot of phone calls on my end to get it done. A very wise man once told me that “life is a negotiation.” We’ll see what happens.

6 – Georgia. This is a solid football team. They have tons of talent and an experienced signal-caller who I would feel comfortable with handling the ball for my team in any game. They are as physical a team as you will find and they beat very good teams every week in easily the best conference in CFB.

I don’t think they have the playmakers on the outside to score enough points to beat Florida or USC, but I don’t think any team really wants to see them right now. Look out for these guys.

7 – Alabama. Here we have another tough SEC team. They play tough teams week in and week out and they remain undefeated. Their schedule still reads @ Tennessee, @ LSU and home against Auburn. I personally feel that the LSU game will be tough, but that looks to be it. The only thing left for Alabama appears to be getting beaten by Florida in the SEC Championship game.

8 – T.I. I told everyone that I knew three months ago that the next 6 months would belong to T.I. The TPI-25 reflects this. T.I. comes in one above Oklahoma University because he had a stronger September.

T.I.’s new album is crazy.

“Whatever you like” is this year’s “What you know.” Game over already.

“Live your life (Feat. Rihanna)” is one of the hottest songs of the year (not the summer, the year).

Whenever “Swagger like us” comes in third on your album, you are doing several things right. This is a monster record right now (and has been for months). The only problem here is that Jay-Z stole everyone’s shine on this record (see #3!!!).

The sleeper on T.I.’s album is “Swing your rag (Feat. Swizz Beatz).” This is actually my favorite track on the album. The club appeal is bananas. It just goes so much harder than “Swagger” and the others (in my humble, elitist opinion).

9 – Gossip Girl. Let me start by saying “wow.” Anyone who has seen so much as a promo for this show knows exactly what I mean. Geez, even the radio ads for this show get me hot.

Obviously, I am embarrassed to know anything whatsoever about Gossip Girl, but at the same time, everyone (and I mean everyone) knows exactly why I watch (okaaaaay, DVR and archive).

Never in my life have I seen a cast that was stacked top-to-bottom with so many gorgeous chassis.

Another first is that GG is the only show I have ever watched where I wanted to sleep with ALL of the main characters, extras and mothers on the show. Good God, even the dudes are hot.

Everyone on GG is so Next Level Hot that a couple things happen for one magical hour every Monday night. One, you become so enamored with how yummy every last cast member is that it doesn’t make you feel bad that you are not more attractive (which is usually the case when you see beautiful people). For some reason, you just enjoy the flawlessness. Second, you have intermittent spurts where you forget your own sexual preference (wait, maybe that is just me). Third, I can’t even think anymore.

Gossip Girl comes in one slot ahead of Oklahoma this week because their cast has a lot more Tight Ends than Oklahoma. I am SO aware of how cheesy that was.

10 – Oklahoma. Solid squad. Speed everywhere. They score a ton of points and they played Texas tough. The defense looked suspect against TU (yes, that is a jab at Texas), but I think they will get things figured out. Plus, who isn’t having trouble stopping Texas from scoring right now?

The last three games of their schedule are going to be tough. And, if they make it through those games, Texas may still be undefeated and therefore representing the Big 12 South in the Big 12 Championship game. If, however, OU makes it to the Big 12 title game, they will probably be waxing the Big 12 North representative, ending the season with one loss and wondering why they still end the season ranked behind Florida and USC (two other one-loss teams).

The kids at OU may just want to shut it down already and start training for 2009.

11 - Jessica Alba. Plain and simple, she’s “Balls Hot.”

Sadly, Jessica tends to gravitate toward awful scripts for reasons that remain unclear. Eventually, these bad scripts turn into bad movies that I am incapable of forcing myself to watch. When the LEAST LAME project on your resume is in a NON-FUNNY “comedy” opposite Dane Cook’s impossibly non-funny ass, there are issues.

Jessica is not only a pretty face, but actually a decent actress (I am told). I would really like to see her do a romantic comedy that has some romance and some comedy in it – and that contains exactly zero Dane “Much Like Carson Daly, but somehow more of a tool” Cook.

I was shocked to hear about Jessica becoming pregnant last year. In my mind, I’m thinking “How could she be pregnant if we have never even met each other?” In fact, I demanded a DNA test to see if there was a chance I could have telekinetically willed myself to be the father of her child. No dice.

Maybe I would have had a shot at J.A. if my name was something more cool, like “Cash.” Thanks for nothing mom.

12 – Tampa Bay Rays. You have to give big ups to this ball club. A bunch of youngsters that have been the door mat of Major League Baseball for the last decade just knocked off the wiley veterans from Boston and made it to the World Series for the first time in the history of the organization. Everyone have been waiting on them to fold up like a card table all season…and they didn’t. Impressive stuff. I want them to win The ‘Ship.

13 - Jessica Alba. See #11. Indeed, I do realize that Jessica also made The Index at #11. One might ask why a person wouldn’t simply be ranked higher one time instead of being ranked twice in two lower slots. All I can tell you is that there is a very exact formula, I checked the numbers twice and everything is correct.

14 – Pray For Hotness. I absolutely have to give a big shout to my favorite new musical act before they officially blow up and people start telling me that they knew about them first.

PFH is a couple of college kids from Tampa Bay that are dropping the best freestyles, remixes and mixtapes on the entire interweb right now. I suggest you do yourself a favor and peruse their entire catalog. To do so, you will have to hit them on “The Space,” because they despise “The Face.”

These guys just got in their first batch of merch, so I suggest you do the right thing and cop two t-shirts (one for play, one to keep nice for church).

“PFH is blessed!”

www.myspace.com/Pray For Hotness

15 – IKEA. Yep, that IKEA. Anytime you can take your apartment from “You’re a great guy, but I think we should just be friends” to “Good morning tiger. May I borrow some sweats to throw on over my dress?” for less than $300, you have really got something.

Thanks IKEA. A lot.

16 - T.I. – Live Your Life (Feat. Rihanna). I am cognizant of the fact that this song has been out for a couple of months now, but seriously, is there any other song out there that makes you scream its chorus as loud as this one? Oh, and it must be a CURRENT record. “Don’t Stop Believin’” and “Livin’ On A Prayer” are not acceptable answers here.

17 – Penn State. These guys look really good, but they play in the weakest conference in College Football (which they can’t help). If they beat Ohio State, they will be in play for a BCS game…which they will lose by three touchdowns to a team that is way out of their league. It is what it is. Ask Ohio State, they’ll tell you.

18 - Kid Cudi – Day ‘N’ Nite (Crookers Remix). I don’t typically get too caught up in Electro music, but hole…lee…balls. This song is so hot. That fact that it came out 5 months ago and every DJ (regardless of his musical style) still plays it religiously lets you now what time it is.

“Day ‘N’ Nite” is absolutely glorious. I found this record whilst scouring the interweb for newness and I have not been able to stop playing it since. Not many songs have what it takes to stay in rotation on my iTod for five months.

Big shout to The Crookers for completely shutting down EVERYONE trying to put out a Dance or Electro remix of ANYTHING in the next 2 years. Again, glorious.

19 – Audi S8. For those who don’t know, this is a car. A really, really, really nice car. To be more specific, it is a 4-door luxury sedan with a 5.2-liter Lamborghini V10 engine that stomps out 450 horsepower. This is basically a 4-door Lamborghini.

Think about that.

If my conscience would let me buy a car that only gets 13 MPG, I would totally cop one. Well, that and I would need to come up with $115,000 that I didn’t need to immediately allocate someplace else.

I like this car because it is a monster machine and an exquisite concoction of automotive engineering. You get performance similar to what a Lambo would give you, with only a touch less stunt factor, and a lot more class.

S8’s are sexy because only a few people recognize this car when someone whips one through the city (which makes you look more “CEO” and less “desperate for attention” than say, a Hummer). It’s not often you can comfortably fit five people in a car that has 450 horsepower (try seating five in a Lambo).

For me, the S8 is the perfect modern day car. If I had one, I would definitely Fish Bowl (no window tint) so everyone would know who was behind the wheel. Now, if we could only make it 65 MPG and $16,500...

20 - Ernie Gaines – Sip It (Feat. T.I.). This is a very hot R&B ditty that is making the rounds. Do yourselves a favor and find a copy of it somewhere…anywhere. You’re welcome.

21 - http://wordsbytodd.blogspot.com/. Seriously, name a better blog. I mean, I hardly every update mine, but when I do, it’s totally worth it.

I would have loved to come in a slot or two higher, but Ernie Gaines’ single is just hotter than my blog right now, Plain and simple. In addition, I will never be coming in higher than a sexy Audi S8. Thus, the only way I can move up is to have some top ten teams lose games. Luckily, I see both of these happening in the weeks to come.

22 – Lou Holtz’s Lisp. Lou’s lisp is not as much of an impediment as one would think it would be. I mean, the man coached for three decades, won a national championship, wrote several books, and got an analyst job at ESPN. Solid resume, Lou.

His lisp is almost too funny. It sounds like he has three tongues and four rows of teeth in his mouth. Often times, I try to impersonate his luscious lisp, but sadly, the results are underwhelming.

I encourage everyone to try their proverbial hands at a “Lou Holtzzzsssszszsszssszs.”

23 - Releasing a song that DOES NOT have Lil Wayne on it. Seriously Dwayne Carter/Lil Wayne/Weezy/Weezy F. Baby/Young Money/Mr. Make It Rain…let us breathe for a second.

24 - American Apparel. Finally, a clothing store that makes plain, yet bold/colorful clothing that fits tall, slender frames and does NOT have a name plastered across the chest and back. Oh, your shirt is Ed Hardy, I couldn’t tell. Maybe if it said so somewhere on the garment...

25 – Ball State University. It is hard to tell how good these guys really are by looking at all of the JV women’s teams on their schedule, so I will just give them their shine. Hey, I grew up 30 minutes from the campus.

At first, I was sad to see BSU string together a nice season because they are the punch line to about 217 College Football jokes I like to tell each season. But, luckily, I have just swapped their name out with Indiana University (holy "worst team in the weakest conference ever," Batman).

So there it is, the first ever TPI-25. Did you seriously just read all of that? Questions? Comments? Sad there was no mention of "High School Musical?" Email me.

You’re welcome.

-Todd

The Hiatus

Sorry about the hiatus.

I have some good reasons for my absence.

First, the last two months of my life have looked like this: Indianapolis to Los Angeles for a week. Back home to Indianapolis for a week. Next up was a seven-day trip to New York. After returning home from New York, I stayed home for five days and then took a trip to Chicago for the weekend (What up DJ A-Trak!). Once I returned to Indianapolis from Chicago, I received word on the phone that I had been offered a job…in Los Angeles. So, I went to work back in Indianapolis on that next Monday and gave my two weeks notice.

For the next 14 days, I spent every waking moment procuring moving trucks, setting up California utilities, preparing to pack my life up in to boxes way too heavy to be carried by any human not taking Barry Bonds “vitamins,” and screaming “there’s never any time” like Jesse Spano during the "Caffeine Pill Freakout" episode of Saved By The Bell.

Then came the drive across the country. This Trans Am trip was quite possibly the worst week of my life (this means more when you understand that my life is like a Ben Stiller movie). If I can muster the strength to relive the trip, it may one day surface as a blog all it’s own.

After arriving in California, I spent the first week unpacking and making the expected Ikea and Target runs.

Then, two weeks at the new job.

Seriously, it has been a blur. I have had small portions of time where I have written a little, but the blog has really suffered. The good news is that going to NY and moving to Hollywood has spawned an incalculable amount of blog ideas. My blackberry’s hard drive is nearly at capacity, in large part because of my enormous “Blog Ideas” document.

I promise I will make it up to you.

You’re welcome.

-Todd AKA "Trip" AKA “Trip McNeely”