Welcome TMZ!

Some of you might be interested to know that I received word this week that I am being considered for a job as the newest blogger over at TMZ.

I have shared some of my cover letters in the past, so I thought you kids might like to see the cover letter of mine that made its way into TMZ's hands. As always, I was shockingly inappropriate.

As you will soon read, I invited TMZ to come check your boy’s blog out before making the obvious decision to hire me. So, feel free to leave a comment that makes me look awesome. This way, TMZ can see that I have to beg my readers for feedback and affection.

TMZ, if you are reading this…”Hi!!!!!” (in a high school girl’s voice. Ashley Tisdale, maybe?)



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Hello.

My name is Todd (last name deleted for the purpose of anonymity).

You folks at TMZ are about to hire me for the new blogger position, and you are about to read why.

Ironically, I posted a blog about cover letters two weeks ago. Don’t believe me? Then suck on this link… You Should Hire This "Todd" Guy

If for some reason you did not suck on the previous link, you can spare yourself the boredom of my cover letter and resume by hitting Todd Is The Funniest Bastard To Ever Use "Times New Roman" right now to immediately find out why I am the blogger your company was hoping to hire when this job opening was posted. Otherwise, feel free to read the boring stuff below...

I am as creative, organized and nontraditional as you will find. My work ethic borders on obsessive, my writing borders on genius, and as luck would have it, I also happen to be hilarious. You really want to hire me right about now, don’t you? I know. I know.

I have attached my resume for you to completely ignore. If for some reason you read it, I hope you will find it to be a good match for Thirty Mile Zone …but that won’t happen, because I have absolutely ZERO professional writing experience. But, personally, I feel like I have made up for my lack of professional writing experience by professionally bitch-slapping the interweb over the past seven months with the dopest blog in the world.

Seriously, I am Chris Brown-ing the blogosphere.

Fear me.

I look forward to the possibility of wasting your time with an interview and subsequent facility visit. I love wearing a suit, meeting higher-ups, and lying about how qualified I am for a job...if only for an hour or so.

If you give me this job, I will rock the bitch like a video game. Trust that.Thank you for your time.


R.I.P. Tupac,

Todd (last name deleted for the purpose of anonymity) {AKA “Toddy Blog”}


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Please...like they are not going to hire this.


You’re welcome.


-Todd

"Dear Dell...

I just wanted to take a quick blog to thank all of the retards over at Dell Computers for manufacturing a desktop model that makes me have to do this (see picture) to insert my USB flash drive.

When I think about all of the time, money and approval processes that my computer model’s design must have gone through, all I can say is “Dell, please hire me.” I have no doubt in my mind that I could have wasted months worth of your company’s time and money coming up with a terrible design plan for an awful desktop computer that would have every poor victim that bought one of the machines doing headstands just so he could plug in a USB device. Apparently, this is all it takes to snag a job in this company’s design department.

I am positive that I could have done just as poor of a job as your current staff did on the Dimension 8100. At the very least, I know my design would not have been worse than that which became approved. The reason I know this is because there could not possibly be a worse design than my Dell Dimension 8100. Well, maybe things would have been worse if the USB ports were on the BOTTOM of the machine, facing the floor. It amazes me that this idea was actually struck down in the approval process (since I am relatively certain that Dell’s design staff probably pitched for it).

Placing the USB ports on the front of the machine was almost a step in the right direction, until you hand jobs completely blew it (pun intended) by plopping the ports in the ONLY spot (and at the only ANGLE) on the front face of the machine that would make inserting a USB device a near impossibility without the help of an intermediate-level gymnastics maneuver.

Why exactly ARE the USB ports angled downward? Was it assumed that we would all have our CPUs above our heads, making the ports easily visible/accessible from a seated position at our desks? Is this what everyone else is doing? If so, it must just be a coincidence that all 5,974 desktop computer owners whose setups I have seen in my lifetime involve CPUs sitting on the floor.

I marvel.

Dell, please hire me. I would like an obscenely overpaid position in your Design department. Now, I have never worked exclusively with grade school dropouts, but I am really excited about the opportunity to do so.

Skip that.

I would like to be the obscenely overpaid executive that oversees, and is in charge of approving, everything that comes from the Design department. I am confident that I can run the department in a manner that upholds the level of stupid that you retards are churning out each day.

Oops. Check that, I have the Dimension 8200 (you’re not going to believe this, but the machine’s model information was difficult to locate and nearly impossible to read).

Step your ducking game up.

My next computer will be a MAC (flashing you bastards at Dell double-barrel middle fingers heeeeeeeeere).

Michael Dell, when you see me in the streets, don’t speak to me…unless it is about my resume.


You’re welcome.


-Todd



[Peep the intermediate-level gymnastics, bitches...]