[“Merry Freakin’ Christmas” is a phrase my family and I begin to incorporate when the annual family gathering we were all naïve enough to believe would be fun inevitably changes course, hops into a hand basket and heads straight for hell.]
If you have read enough of my bitter ramblings, it should come as no surprise that I detest Christmas.
Below are just a few reasons why...
1 – Holiday commercials where everyone says the end of the message in unison (“And from all of us here at Channel 8 News, ((all together))“HAPPY HOLIDAYS!”). Note to everyone that does this, someone in the group is ALWAYS off on their timing. And, even if this exercise were somehow perfectly executed, it’s lame as shit anyway-and you all look stupid.
2 – Office Christmas Parties. We just spent 40 hours a week for an entire year throwing one another under the proverbial bus during meetings and talking shit behind each other’s backs. Why would I want to throw all of that away by working another 8-hour day alongside all of you- then going home to change clothes into something that proves I could dress nicely for work if I wanted to-and showing up to a boring “party” where we all pretend none of the backstabbing happened-and that we like each other? We see our co-workers more than we see our families. Forgive me for bypassing that scrumptious buffet dinner and staying home to hang out with the people I actually care for. Enjoy the EDIBLE ARRANGEMENTS. There are no bacteria on those things whatsoever (sarcasm)…
No one wants to go the office Christmas party. What we want is for the company to divide up the budget for the party and disperse it equally to all of us workers as a sort of bonus. Seriously, if it comes out to $9.84 each, we’ll take it.
3 – Company Christmas Gifts. Nothing says “We appreciate yet another year of your hard work” like a cheap-ass coffee mug with the company’s logo on it. Oh, thank you for noticing all of my tireless effort---and for using me as a mule to help promote your stupid company. You shouldn’t have. Literally.
4 – Adults Taking Pictures On Santa’s Lap. Don’t be that guy. It’s not funny. It’s not cute. What it is is a doosh move. It looks and feels like an awkward high school kid is desperate for attention. If you do this, I hate you (and your friends too).
5 – Mass Text Messages. If we are not close enough of friends for you to text me a personalized Christmas wish, then do not text me at all. If you have ever included the phrase “you and yours” in a text, then I want to flick your Adam’s apple. Also, this year, I saw a few generic messages come through with my name at the top (making it easy to copy, paste and change the name before sending it to the next friend on the phone list). Let it be known, I’m on to you bastards as well.
6 – Giving And Receiving Gifts. This is where I completely lose it. First, I have no real issue with giving gifts, other than the fact that no matter what it becomes astronomically expensive and no one I buy for needs anything anyway. Giving can feel nice, so I tried to compromise with my family and asked them to adopt the “Pick a name, everyone buys and receives one gift” thing, but no one was having it. So, in protest, I just shut down my end of the gift-giving entirely. I don’t do it. I’ve been clean for three years now.
But, the issue of receiving gifts still remains. Yes, even though everyone knows I officially reject the idea of Christmas gifts they STILL buy me things every year.
Receiving gifts from people is tricky. If they are really into the gift they bought you, your reaction to the item must match the excitement they imagined you would have upon receiving said item. This is nearly impossible to gauge and subsequently perform, so most people just fake their typical “excited” face and keep it moving. The problem with this is, the professionals will notice that you did the same face for the previous 19 openings and their feelings will be hurt. So, you’re forced to Meryl Streep the shit and act like you have always wanted a Steven Curtis Chapman CD, but somehow never got around to buying it for yourself. And really, very few of us have that kind of energy, much less the acting chops.
Receiving gifts is even worse with aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents that you see only a couple of times a year-and who know absolutely nothing about you. But, the absolute worst has to be going home with a girlfriend or boyfriend for your first Christmas together. Their family doesn’t want you to feel left out. They feel like it would be better to buy you a gift (even though they have never met you before) so you can partake in the festivities. Am I the only one that would prefer to just chill in the corner with no spotlight on me? We have never met. There is no need to spend your money on me. You didn’t want to spend the money, and I didn’t want you to, but for some reason convention tells you I want you to, so you bought a gift I didn’t want and I had to open it in front of everyone and act like I was happy with the outcome. Now, we’re both pissed off because you’re out $40 and I’m holding a Rush Limbaugh autobiography and a Dane Cook DVD. What a nightmare.
My favorite has to be when people exchange gifts and both gifts are a Starbucks gift card. Now, you have wasted time, effort and gasoline to end up holding the exact same $15 Starbucks card you just gave away.
Gift giving sucks. Can we just stop the stressful charade and enjoy the time off of work? I have a feeling that is What Jesus Would Do.
You’re welcome,
