I love cake.Who else loves cake?Well, the question was rhetorical, but kudos to those of you who actually held your hands up like I was your 5th grade teacher.Class is back in session…
A couple of days ago, I was in the Bakery department at a pompous, overpriced neighborhood grocery store.I am no stranger to this particular location as it is near my apartment.Every other week or so I bring home one of those small, two-person birthday cakes to eat.Every time I buy a cake, the person packaging it for me will ask me if I would like any text written on the pastry.I always imagine that everyone enjoys less work, so I say “No thank you.That is not necessary-unless for some reason you want the practice.I am just going to take it home and eat it.”This response always garners a laugh from the baker.It seems I am the only guy who ever just comes in and buys a cake without any special occasion prompting it.By that logic, they should just slap “Happy Birthday” or “Congrats Grad” on each of them before placing them in the display case.Butchers never ask me if I want to dedicate my chicken breasts to any certain occasion.
Seriously, cake tastes amazing.The thing that sucks is that I only attend about 8 events a year where cake is traditionally served.Look, my social life is not exactly booming, alright.Given this information, this means in a non-leap year, I would be going without cake 357 days of the year.97.8 percent of the time, I would be without the pleasure of this delicious delight.I have taken a stand and decided to rectify this preposterous statistic by taking home a small cake every week or so and devouring it while watching Big Idea.“Cake: The New Popcorn.”I am still playing with the slogan, but I think I am on to something.Maybe I change the game and start bringing cake to dinner parties in place of wine.Who knows?The possibilities are endless.I always enjoy stabbing a knife through the heart of convention.
And whilst I am thinking about it, where do these pastry chefs get off passing judgment on me?Is it that it’s a 2-person cake?Does it look like a bachelor thing?There is no shame in being single and there is no shame in loving cake.At least I only buy a small one.I will be the first to admit that my mind often wonders if I can consume a standard size cake all by myself in one sitting.One day I just may try for the sport of it.I wonder what the chef will say about that.I don’t make fun of this particular employee’s overbite or weight problem, so why is she popping off at me?
I am tired of the stigma involving cakes.They are not simply for birthdays and weddings.Lately, I am finding that there are many more occasions that call for cake than even I had previously imagined.For instance, there are “I Did Not Choke My Boss Today Even Though He Deserved It” cakes, “Five More Days Until The Weekend” cakes, “I Finally Did The Dishes For The Second Time In The Last Three Months” cakes and many more.
I used to date this girl (it didn’t work out) and she would always be shocked when I would unpack my RE-USABLE grocery bag after a trip to the store.That night’s dinner would always come out…followed by a random 2-person cake, sans text.She would always ask me what the occasion was.I would say something like “Because we are having sex tonight…if you act right.”Eventually, she came around (to the idea that if I went to the grocery store I was coming back with a cake no matter what, not so much to the idea of Humpty Hump).
People don’t stop often enough to think about how great cake is.The major reason why is because we do not have the pleasure of enjoying it very often.Out of sight, out of mind.
Do yourself a favor; next time you are at the store bring home a cake.Let the size be determined by how many people you have in your household.You and your party will not be disappointed.At first, people will ask all about the occasion and the other crap that I touched on above.With time, the questions fade and all you are left with is delicious cake for no reason about 50 extra times a year.
You’re welcome.
Tomorrow, when I am in the bakery and the pastry chef asks me if I want anything written on my cake, I am going to reply “Tuesday.”
Strange title, huh? It’s sort of hard to explain. Well, actually, it’s easy to explain, but it may be hard for some people to comprehend. You see, I think marriage is unrealistic and very outdated for today’s society (and by “today’s society,” I mean “me”). The reasons for which I find marriage to be unrealistic are too numerous to list and probably a separate column entirely. That being said, I LOVE WEDDINGS!
For some reason, weddings are one of only two events that people have enough respect for to sacrifice one (or eight) of their beautiful summer weekends. Funerals are the other event people will put their lives on hold for, but they pale in comparison to weddings because you don’t typically have music or vodka at a funeral (until I change the game with mine). Anyway, these two occasions are the only times when all of my friends actually get together at the same place and time. Don’t believe me? All of my guy friends (5 out of 7) backed out of a “Guys Only” trip to VEGAS last year, but we are all scheduled to appear at a friend’s wedding next summer (and you know all 7 of us will be there). This makes no sense to me, but it is what it is. Weddings only last until the nearly inevitable divorce. Memories from a "Guys Only" trip to VEGAS last forever.
So, maybe I don't actually like weddings; I just like hanging out with my friends-and weddings are the only times all of my friends get together simultaneously.
(TANGENT: If everyone shows up for a funeral, it seems everyone would also show up when and if that same person brought a child into the world but this never seems to be the case. Why is attendance so low when people are having children, but so high when people die? That seems backwards to me. Moreover, attendance at births and deaths should both rate above weddings. Life and death seem a little (and by “a little” I mean “exponentially”) more worthy of celebration than the signing of some contract that only has a 49% chance of surviving from the jump off. Granted, hospitals are not built to accommodate enormous parties for everyone giving birth, but I think massive celebrations should ensue at reception venues after the moms and newborns have been out of the hospital for a couple of weeks. Let's get this tradition started.)
Now, back to the regularly scheduled program...
In the spirit of Wedding Season, I want to touch on a few things that I have noticed over the years that have finally become too much for me to ignore.
1) WHITE PEOPLE ARE HILARIOUS – We Caucasians can slow dance with the best of them. Granted, we are the only ones slow dancing Ballroom-style, but we get the job done regardless. However, when “Unforgettable” ends and the tempo on the dance floor cranks up past 60 Beats Per Minute, everything goes straight to hell. Inevitably, all of the white folks on the dance floor will create a large circular formation and sway back and forth while clapping and looking at one another. Then, the guy who has had one too many Jack and Tabs will jump into the middle of the circle and do something stupid, causing mass “woo-ing” from those swaying and clapping around the perimeter. I have no idea why the big circle forms, or why someone always jumps into the middle of it, but either way, at a wedding reception with more than 30 white people-these two things are as safe a bet as death and taxes; and I find them both to be absolutely hysterical.
2) THE WORM DANCE – While we are on the topic of white people dancing at weddings, I need to touch on the topic of The Worm Dance. For the uninitiated, The Worm Dance was the climax of the last wedding reception you attended, when everyone lost their mind because they thought "the worm guy" was Michael Jackson (circa 1986). Or, if I was at that same reception, The Worm Dance was what was happening just before I pulled that one guy up off of the floor, open-handedly slapped him and pulled the plug on the DJ rig, dragging the party to a screeching halt.
This Worm Dance phenomenon is the thing that prompted this blog. I honestly do not believe that anything makes me as angry as seeing this ridiculous demonstration. The funny part is that “the worm guy” is always some D-Bag that cannot dance at all. He just holds up the wall all night watching and waiting for the perfect time to unveil the stupidest thing anyone has ever seen (which he has somehow mistaken for being awesome). Then, when the time is just wrong, he will run out into the middle of everyone, lie on his chest and start spasm-ing all over the dance floor. The fact that he does it makes me livid. The fact that people cheer makes me enraged.
If you still have no idea what I am talking about, I have no choice but to refer you to this unfortunate footage:
We need to stop encouraging this Worm exhibition so it will go away. If we keep cheering, these people will keep ruining the party for their 7 seconds of douchebaggery (which some mistakenly refer to as “fame”).
From now on, I am requesting that we BOOOOOOOOOO the hell out of the next person who pulls this move out at any event. If all 200 people at the event point and Booooooo “the worm guy,” the mere shock should scar him enough to discourage him from attempting the stunt ever again.
Remember, we ALL need to BOO the next d-bag we see doing The Worm Dance. I really need your cooperation on this. Together everyone achieves more.
3) SWEET HOMEALABAMA – Staying with the wedding reception theme, there is one more matter than needs my immediate attention. NO ONE cares that the name of your city or state fits into the chorus of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet HomeAlabama.” I have heard enough “Sweet HomeINDIANA” in my lifetime that I have no choice but to put an end to it. Trust me; it is not nearly as original, creative or witty as you people seem to be leading on. This unfortunate incident has occurred at EVERY wedding I have ever attended, so the word is officially out-and the joke is officially over.
4) YOU HAVE GOT TO BE GIFTING ME – I laugh and cry simultaneously when I see people bringing gifts to the actual reception venue. Now, with the advent of the interweb, we can shop gift registries online. That very same online registry tool allows us to point, click and effortlessly mail a gift to the Bride and Groom in a matter of seconds.
Seriously people, think it through. After 1948, people stopped opening gifts at the actual reception itself. It is not a birthday party. All of the unwrapping is done weeks later after the honeymoon. Thus, any gifts brought on the day of the wedding have to be lugged in (by you, 6 blocks, in a suit, in 90 degree weather), dealt with by the wedding coordinator and then carried out by someone else at the end of the night. And then eventually taken to the Bride and Groom’s home (where you should have had it delivered in the first freaking place). Seriously, you can either pay the USPS $3.00 to do the work, or you can inconvenience yourself, the wedding coordinator, the parents of the married couple and the actual Bride and Groom. Enough is enough.
When you bring a gift to a wedding reception, a few things happen. One, you look like you have never heard of the internet. Two, the wedding coordinator secretly (or not so secretly) wants to choke you because now she has to find a place to sit your enormous Crate & Barrel box. Third, since it is so much faster and easier to order a gift online, you in-store shoppers generally get stuck choosing from those last two or three items on the registry. These items are inevitably “3-Bin Laundry Sorter” and “Giant Stainless Steel Trash Can.” When you walk in with a huge silver bullet trash can it’s always easy to tell what gift you bought, even though you did a killer wrap job on it. And yes, people are laughing and making fun of you for waiting so long and getting stuck with the trash can. Internet people, internet. Everyone will thank you.
5) WEDDING DRESS CODE – Yes, your cargo shorts are adorable and so is your Harley Davidson T-shirt. A wedding, however, is neither the time nor the place to display them. I am not saying a suit is necessarily always required, but please wear something at least business casual. Dress pants, button-up shirts TUCKED IN and shoes that would hurt your feet if you played basketball in them will work just fine. If you are physically uncomfortable in your outfit, you are probably right where you need to be.
6) MAID OF HONOR TOAST – Holy balls these are as boring and predictable as any speech ever could be. We realize you have known the Bride for a long time (especially if you are related). Mrs. Bride probably would not have picked someone she just met while getting her oil changed to occupy the MOH position (oil change friends are always ushers). Also, the Bride did not have a “different look in her eye” when you saw her for the first time after she met the guy who would later become the Groom. We know this is a lie because no one has ever had ANY type of “look in their eye.” The only thing in your eye is your eye. Period. That line is now off limits.
PLEASE keep it to just one female toast. The MOH speech is boring enough. Even the friends and family of the girl giving the MOH toast can’t wait until it ends so the funny speech (Best Man) can finally begin.
You girls should be ashamed of yourselves. The Best Men have been embarrassing you for decades. You have ALL been officially called out. Step your respective freaking games up.
7) WEDDING DJs ARE HORRID – Just because everyone else hires some old, bald goofball with a rented tuxedo that looks like he is channeling Steve Martin in “Father of the Bride” does not mean you have to follow suit (pun intended).
And, the thing that kills me is how much people overpay for these cheese balls. Any moron can dress poorly and play “Celebration,” “We Are Family” and “The Cha Cha Slide.” How many of these old geezers do you see DJing in actual nightclubs where you are required to have actual Djing skills? Zero. Precisely my point. So, why would you hire someone’s Grandfather to rock a reception of 20 and 30 year olds? You’ll be lucky if he stays awake the whole time.
I demand that we all start demanding more from the wedding DJs. I suggest hiring the young, fun people at www.TenaciousDJs.com. I know the owner quite well. They do great work. You and your guests will thank me later.
Look, I like senior citizens. Aside from their slow/death-cheating driving style, incessant and unfair generalizations about how younger generations are somehow inferior to theirs and their complete refusal of all things technological, I have no beef with these rat bastards---(hey, if they can generalize, I can too).
Well, maybe I do have one issue…
WHAT IN THE HELL is the deal with this whole “Senior Citizen Discount” thing?
For what reasons are we rewarding senior citizens with this discount? I doubt it is for pulling out in front of people---almost causing an accident---only to reach a maximum velocity of 39 MPH in a 55 MPH zone. I also doubt it is for taking 25 minutes in the checkout line while removing those 2 items from their cart and then holding up the line 10 more minutes while whipping out an unfathomable CHECKBOOK (or paying in all coin from that bulging, jingling change pocket). And it couldn’t possibly be for ignoring phonics and insisting on pronouncing the letter “I” as a long “E” sound, pronouncing “AY” as a long “E” sound and arbitrarily adding an imaginary “R” to words that contain an “ASH” sequence (dishes = dEEshes, Tuesday = TuesdEE, and Washington = WaRshington, respectively).
Think about who makes the most money at your place of employment. If your company is anything like 95% of the world, the people with the most seniority make the most cash. Those people who have put in their time and effort are rewarded monetarily as such, which is fair. This, in turn, means younger people at the company who are still finding their way, do not bring home as much paper at the end of the pay period. Yes, I realize Prostitution is an exception here. Younger folks tend to demand higher wages in that profession. Thus, Prostitution and other trades like it fit into the 5% that was not accounted for above.
The interesting thing is, the older people at work have already ascended through the ranks and made the money that comes with it. Then, after having made the aforementioned high salaries for a few decades, these folks decided that they had made so much money that they no longer needed their jobs. So, if they have enough money to quit working, why should we give them discounts on EVERYTHING while the rest of us (who reside at the bottom of the pay scale at our respective firms and have small net-worth) pay full price for everything?
I’m broke. I need discounts at Don Pablo’s before 6:00 P.M. I need my age turned into a percentage and then deducted from my grocery bill. Successful, accomplished, retired, comfortable people do not need this price cut, but someone decided they would receive it anyway. Meanwhile, I am pleading for a Junior Citizen Discount and it is apparently falling on deaf ears (somehow NOT a pun about old people). This is absurd and will not be tolerated.
One of my friends (who is in his sixties) has a net-worth in the millions. I am 26 years old and have a net-worth of around (…checking pockets…) $61.87- yet somehow my friend pays 10% less when we go out to eat. Does this make anyone else want to open-handedly slap somebody? I thought so. Get in line.
You see, my friend has already made his money. He worked 35 long, hard years for a company. I am still years away from pulling in the serious jack that a visionary/genius like me deserves. So, in the meantime, I need random discounts to help me stretch my smaller, immature money roll.
It is time to come together as young people and unite in the name of putting our proverbial foots in the proverbial ass of this preposterous arrangement.
Can someone please do some research on what I need to do to get the "Senior Citizen Discount" eradicated and a "Junior Citizen Discount" established? I am too lazy to do the actual leg work. I would rather just complain and hope my bitching motivates someone else to get this rolling.
Opportunists like me often find a way to take advantage of situations such as this SCD travesty. In this instance, during the process of writing this column, it dawned on me to commence using senior citizens like government mules. From now on, I am making my Grandfather buy all of my stuff for me. If I need groceries, I’ll give him cash and have him run to the store for me so I get everything on discount. When I need a cup of coffee, I’ll make him buy it and then reimburse him (at the discounted price). And, when my Grandfather is not around, I will just ask random old people off the street to take my money and purchase things for me.
If you can’t beat them, exploit them.
You see, it’s taking advantage of their advantage. If seniors get a discount for no reason, we should at least make them earn it by demanding they purchase stuff for random young people whenever asked. Just think, keeping an old person in your posse could potentially lower your cost of living by 10% if they make all of your purchases for you. That’s twice as good as using a Discover Card…and accepted more places.
All of my life, when I saw a young person and a really old person out together, I figured it was probably a Grandparent and Grandchild spending time with one another. In actuality, it could have been a smart, young capitalist dragging some elderly stranger around so he could get 10% off of his daily errands. Genius. I need to create a really witty term for this practice. Suggestions are welcome. As always, try to include my name. The results will follow in a later post.
If you’re 65 and you desperately need a discount on your meals/groceries/coffees/haircuts just to get by, then you should not have retired as early as you did. You may need to start sending out resumes. I would refer you to CareerBuilder.com, but you don’t know how to use a computer. Wal-Mart is always looking to hire greeters.
Learn how to use the Internet already you lucky, Social Security sucking bastards.
I can’t wait to pimp you for your discount tomorrow morning at MCL Cafeteria.
Sooooo, I watch a lot of HGTV. Stop judging me. You don’t like that I watch HGTV and I don’t like your PT Cruiser. Let’s call it even. I don’t know why but something about watching all of those people find mold in their homes makes me happy to be living in an apartment where I am not responsible for repairing anything. And one more thing, new landscaping looks dope in HD…check up on that.
Every show on the HGTV network has something to do with selling houses, buying houses or remodeling old houses. Since I see every single show the network has to offer while nursing one hangover or another, I am pretty familiar with the goings on over at HGTV. The one main thing that seems to stick out to me is that all of the really old houses have hardwood floors and all of the new houses have hardwood floors. Somewhere in between the two, carpet came onto the scene and it appears no one ever stopped to question anyone as to why. You have got to be shagging me.
Back in the day, folks did not have all of the simple luxuries that we have today, so I figure they kept a lot of things (like flooring) basic for a reason. Stanley Steemer was not invented until 1968 (I just made that up), so I imagine the generations that came before mine figured out that keeping the floors wooden made keeping things clean a lot less work. I am not exactly suggesting the conspiracy theory that carpet was the brainchild of Mr. Stan Steemer and Mr. Carpet, but I am yet to be subjected to any facts that suggest otherwise.
Every time a couple on HGTV walks into a really old home, it is inevitable that the first thing out of the couple’s mouth (since HGTV suggests---not so subtly---that single people apparently do not buy homes…ever) is how beautiful the old wooden floors are. The same happens when people walk into newly-built homes and see those shining planks of oak. I am yet to see a House Hunter stroll into a 20-year old home and say “Wow, I love the look of that old, stained, moldy, yellow…I mean, white carpet.” Which brings me to this: what exactly is the upside of carpet? Is it that it has the amazing ability to retain stains and odors, but none of its color? That it is impossible to clean? That it looks fuzzy and goofy? That it looks like a Spring Break hotel room after 3 weeks of constant abuse? That it hides lovely things like staples and splinters so you keep cutting chunks out of your feet and never end up finding that needle/staple/splinter in that haystack that is your carpet? That it DOES NOT up the resale value of your home? That when people track water in during rainy and snowy weather that you step in it because you were unable to see it---then had to change your socks because the wet spots on your socks were irritating? That every square inch of carpet-covered flooring in your house holds onto every piece of pet hair and pet odor that Fido releases? The cons go on and on. The pros do not exist. Where in the hell did carpet come from? Who approved this? I am so angry!
My research (based on every young homeowner I know and all of the great folks buying/building houses on HGTV) points to the idea that carpet is on its way out. I see it like this-our kids are going to be grossed out by the idea of carpet like those of us who are familiar with carpet are by the 70’s shag version of it. Let’s face it, carpet is just one big community of dust mites, dead skin cells and pizza sauce stains. If you wear your shoes in your house, I don’t even really want to talk about what else lives in your carpet (ever used a public restroom or stepped in dog poop with your shoes on? Think about that). Wouldn’t it be great to be able to wipe down and disinfect your floors rather than roll around and take naps face down in those stains for the next 10 years? Exactly.
I am currently coming to the end of my 12-month apartment lease. The people that manage the property are very nice and have been very accommodating in the negotiations of our new lease agreement. The manager told me that sometimes they will do some painting or replace carpet for good tenants who renew leases. I explained that we wanted hardwood flooring in our apartment. Everyone laughed. I did not. It would not cost that much more to buy and install and it would last years longer than that cheap-ass carpet that every apartment complex uses. Then, every prospective tenant that tours the complex in the future would immediately be drawn to the wood floors since they look drastically more distinguished than that standard beige apartment carpet that they have seen everywhere else.
Everyone wins when carpet is eliminated.
The color of wood never goes out of style. Neither does cleanliness. The same goes double for increased resale value. Get your new hardwood floors installed this weekend (or GO GREEN with the Bamboo version). And no, I do not have family, friend or investment ties to anyone in the Hardwood Flooring industry. Crap, go wall-to-wall linoleum if you want, just get rid of your nasty carpet.
Before anyone begins reading any of my material, there are a few things that I feel everyone should know:
First, I have absolutely zero credentials. I do not have so much as one Journalism credit hour under my proverbial belt. Second, there is absolutely no reason that I should be writing; and it should be illegal for me to share my words with the entire Interweb.
This blog has come to fruition because my friends will not leave me alone. From time to time, I say witty things in the presence of other people and for some reason large numbers of those people keep telling me to “do something with my gift” (obviously people are just throwing around the word “gift” these days). In any event, this blog figures to satisfy most of the criteria of “doing something with my gift,” and also agrees with my laziness, so it was born.
Including all of the required readings in High School and College, I think I have read around six books in my entire life. I think two of them were outside of learning institutions and for my own enrichment (if you can call sports enrichment). My book shelf at home is more of a CD shelf that has one book on it. I said all of that to say this: some of the stuff I write may have been done before, but obviously I did not know that I was duplicating someone else’s work. There is almost zero chance that I would have ever stumbled upon those texts I have apparently plagiarized because I have been busy paying for dates that DID NOT lead to sex and watching College Football instead of doing my research. I remember most of “To Kill a Mockingbird” and “A Separate Piece” and a little bit from the other four books I have read, so I will try to steer clear of anything that appeared in those six conquests.
I do this to make people laugh. I do it as reading material for those moments when you need to get away, relax and take a deep breath (like when you are seriously contemplating choking your boss because she deserves it, but you realize you still need the paycheck).
I do not take this (or much else) very seriously, so if you are one of those people that becomes offended by something that I write, I really could not care any less-and I do not want to read your complaint email. Reading your complaining takes up precious time that I could be on the couch or eating or both. Now, if you want to email me to tell me that I am awesome, obviously that is all-to-the-good.
Now for the good stuff. I am really funny. I’m sorry that I’m not sorry. It is what it is. I didn’t ask for it, but it happened.
I tend to observe the world drastically different than the majority of the population and I like to talk about why people and ideals are stupid.
I am completely fearless. I do not ever back down (ever). And, I am usually wildly inappropriate. Thus, some of this stuff will be a great escape when you need something funny to read before the threshold is broken and you commence slapping your co-workers and/or offspring. Maybe together we can lower the number of casualties at home and around the office.
Now, for a little background:
I am a male, I love George Michael, I own so many pairs of shoes that I forget what I have and am completely heterosexual (as unlikely as that may have seemed at the start of this sentence).
I am a sports and music freak. I watch obscene amounts of football. I watch so much football in fact that it has become a major issue in relationships. And as for the music collection, it's sickening. If you've heard it, I own it...and I also own the Dance version and Baltimore remix to it. Again, sickening.
Personal Theme Song = Kanye West - "Can't Tell Me Nothing"
Favorite movie = Flesh Prince of Bel-Air (I just made that up. I hope it is not a real movie.)
Places I have lived: 1 – Bloomington, IN 2 – Orlando, FL 3 – You don’t want to know 4 – Indianapolis, IN 5 - North Hollywood, CA
Jobs I have had: 1 – Assistant Music Director (Orlando Magic) 2 – Voice Actor 3 – Club DJ 4 – Writer 5 – Hand
Women I would like to take to dinner: 1 – Tina Fey 2 – Paz Vega 3 – Rachel McAdams 4 – Jessica Alba 5 – Prince
Gay for: 1 - George Clooney 2 - George Clooney 3 - George Clooney 4 - George Clooney 5 - George Clooney
If I won the Lottery I would: 1 – Pay off the debt of all of my close friends and family 2 – Hire someone to train me for the Ironman triathlon 3 – Buy a house next to George Clooney in Lake Como, Italy 4 – Get my teeth bleached...everyday...twice. 5 - Walk into the office of every boss of mine that was ever a jerk to me and tell him that he is not giving enough effort and that I am not sure he really wants his position as bad as I would like for him to.
Alright, I feel as if I have adequately warned everyone. You may now move on to the good stuff.
