Intro to Todd.

Before anyone begins reading any of my material, there are a few things that I feel everyone should know:

First, I have absolutely zero credentials. I do not have so much as one Journalism credit hour under my proverbial belt. Second, there is absolutely no reason that I should be writing; and it should be illegal for me to share my words with the entire Interweb.

This blog has come to fruition because my friends will not leave me alone. From time to time, I say witty things in the presence of other people and for some reason large numbers of those people keep telling me to “do something with my gift” (obviously people are just throwing around the word “gift” these days). In any event, this blog figures to satisfy most of the criteria of “doing something with my gift,” and also agrees with my laziness, so it was born.

Including all of the required readings in High School and College, I think I have read around six books in my entire life. I think two of them were outside of learning institutions and for my own enrichment (if you can call sports enrichment). My book shelf at home is more of a CD shelf that has one book on it. I said all of that to say this: some of the stuff I write may have been done before, but obviously I did not know that I was duplicating someone else’s work. There is almost zero chance that I would have ever stumbled upon those texts I have apparently plagiarized because I have been busy paying for dates that DID NOT lead to sex and watching College Football instead of doing my research. I remember most of “To Kill a Mockingbird” and “A Separate Piece” and a little bit from the other four books I have read, so I will try to steer clear of anything that appeared in those six conquests.

I do this to make people laugh. I do it as reading material for those moments when you need to get away, relax and take a deep breath (like when you are seriously contemplating choking your boss because she deserves it, but you realize you still need the paycheck).

I do not take this (or much else) very seriously, so if you are one of those people that becomes offended by something that I write, I really could not care any less-and I do not want to read your complaint email. Reading your complaining takes up precious time that I could be on the couch or eating or both. Now, if you want to email me to tell me that I am awesome, obviously that is all-to-the-good.

Now for the good stuff. I am really funny. I’m sorry that I’m not sorry. It is what it is. I didn’t ask for it, but it happened.

I tend to observe the world drastically different than the majority of the population and I like to talk about why people and ideals are stupid.

I am completely fearless. I do not ever back down (ever). And, I am usually wildly inappropriate. Thus, some of this stuff will be a great escape when you need something funny to read before the threshold is broken and you commence slapping your co-workers and/or offspring. Maybe together we can lower the number of casualties at home and around the office.

Now, for a little background:

I am a male, I love George Michael, I own so many pairs of shoes that I forget what I have and am completely heterosexual (as unlikely as that may have seemed at the start of this sentence).

I am a sports and music freak. I watch obscene amounts of football. I watch so much football in fact that it has become a major issue in relationships. And as for the music collection, it's sickening. If you've heard it, I own it...and I also own the Dance version and Baltimore remix to it. Again, sickening.


Personal Theme Song = Kanye West - "Can't Tell Me Nothing"

Favorite movie = Flesh Prince of Bel-Air (I just made that up. I hope it is not a real movie.)


Places I have lived:
1 – Bloomington, IN
2 – Orlando, FL
3 – You don’t want to know
4 – Indianapolis, IN
5 - North Hollywood, CA


Jobs I have had:
1 – Assistant Music Director (Orlando Magic)
2 – Voice Actor
3 – Club DJ
4 – Writer
5 – Hand


Women I would like to take to dinner:
1 – Tina Fey
2 – Paz Vega
3 – Rachel McAdams
4 – Jessica Alba
5 – Prince


Gay for:
1 - George Clooney
2 - George Clooney
3 - George Clooney
4 - George Clooney
5 - George Clooney


If I won the Lottery I would:
1 – Pay off the debt of all of my close friends and family
2 – Hire someone to train me for the Ironman triathlon
3 – Buy a house next to George Clooney in Lake Como, Italy
4 – Get my teeth bleached...everyday...twice.
5 - Walk into the office of every boss of mine that was ever a jerk to me and tell him that he is not giving enough effort and that I am not sure he really wants his position as bad as I would like for him to.


Alright, I feel as if I have adequately warned everyone. You may now move on to the good stuff.




You're Welcome.

-Todd