I love cake. Who else loves cake? Well, the question was rhetorical, but kudos to those of you who actually held your hands up like I was your 5th grade teacher. Class is back in session…
A couple of days ago, I was in the Bakery department at a pompous, overpriced neighborhood grocery store. I am no stranger to this particular location as it is near my apartment. Every other week or so I bring home one of those small, two-person birthday cakes to eat. Every time I buy a cake, the person packaging it for me will ask me if I would like any text written on the pastry. I always imagine that everyone enjoys less work, so I say “No thank you. That is not necessary-unless for some reason you want the practice. I am just going to take it home and eat it.” This response always garners a laugh from the baker. It seems I am the only guy who ever just comes in and buys a cake without any special occasion prompting it. By that logic, they should just slap “Happy Birthday” or “Congrats Grad” on each of them before placing them in the display case. Butchers never ask me if I want to dedicate my chicken breasts to any certain occasion.
Seriously, cake tastes amazing. The thing that sucks is that I only attend about 8 events a year where cake is traditionally served. Look, my social life is not exactly booming, alright. Given this information, this means in a non-leap year, I would be going without cake 357 days of the year. 97.8 percent of the time, I would be without the pleasure of this delicious delight. I have taken a stand and decided to rectify this preposterous statistic by taking home a small cake every week or so and devouring it while watching Big Idea. “Cake: The New Popcorn.” I am still playing with the slogan, but I think I am on to something. Maybe I change the game and start bringing cake to dinner parties in place of wine. Who knows? The possibilities are endless. I always enjoy stabbing a knife through the heart of convention.
And whilst I am thinking about it, where do these pastry chefs get off passing judgment on me? Is it that it’s a 2-person cake? Does it look like a bachelor thing? There is no shame in being single and there is no shame in loving cake. At least I only buy a small one. I will be the first to admit that my mind often wonders if I can consume a standard size cake all by myself in one sitting. One day I just may try for the sport of it. I wonder what the chef will say about that. I don’t make fun of this particular employee’s overbite or weight problem, so why is she popping off at me?
I am tired of the stigma involving cakes. They are not simply for birthdays and weddings. Lately, I am finding that there are many more occasions that call for cake than even I had previously imagined. For instance, there are “I Did Not Choke My Boss Today Even Though He Deserved It” cakes, “Five More Days Until The Weekend” cakes, “I Finally Did The Dishes For The Second Time In The Last Three Months” cakes and many more.
I used to date this girl (it didn’t work out) and she would always be shocked when I would unpack my RE-USABLE grocery bag after a trip to the store. That night’s dinner would always come out…followed by a random 2-person cake, sans text. She would always ask me what the occasion was. I would say something like “Because we are having sex tonight…if you act right.” Eventually, she came around (to the idea that if I went to the grocery store I was coming back with a cake no matter what, not so much to the idea of Humpty Hump).
People don’t stop often enough to think about how great cake is. The major reason why is because we do not have the pleasure of enjoying it very often. Out of sight, out of mind.
Do yourself a favor; next time you are at the store bring home a cake. Let the size be determined by how many people you have in your household. You and your party will not be disappointed. At first, people will ask all about the occasion and the other crap that I touched on above. With time, the questions fade and all you are left with is delicious cake for no reason about 50 extra times a year.
You’re welcome.
Tomorrow, when I am in the bakery and the pastry chef asks me if I want anything written on my cake, I am going to reply “Tuesday.”
-Todd
3 comments:
once again, you have slain (is that grammatically correct?) me with your humor! i LOVE reading this material...could possibly be because we share the same blood, but I tend to believe otherwise. simply put, YOU ARE B-R-I-L-L-I-A-N-T! can't wait for the next entry...
I completely agree with you Skeezy. I used to say it was un-birthday cake. Why waste cake on birthdays? Its too good for that. We should have something else only once per year... something we don't like.... like peas.
is that picture of the cake at the top, something you really asked the baker write? I hope you did. Because how awesome would that be?
What if we used cakes to give someone bad news? I think it would help out with acceptance of the fact that you have cancer, or that your dog was hit by a car, or you have AIDS. Let's not just use cakes as a way to boost an already positive situation. I think it is selfish of us to continue to use cake in this way. Let's put cake to work damnit. Give it a challenge for God's sake.
It would serve two puprpose: 1. The person receiving the bad news (and cleverly delivered message on the cake) would get a nice giggle. 2. once they realize that the bad news is true, they can immediately indulge the depression element by eating the cake. It's all about laying the bad news down on the person gently. And let the cake pick up the pieces. Everybody wins!
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