Look, I like senior citizens. Aside from their slow/death-cheating driving style, incessant and unfair generalizations about how younger generations are somehow inferior to theirs and their complete refusal of all things technological, I have no beef with these rat bastards---(hey, if they can generalize, I can too).
Well, maybe I do have one issue…
WHAT IN THE HELL is the deal with this whole “Senior Citizen Discount” thing?
For what reasons are we rewarding senior citizens with this discount? I doubt it is for pulling out in front of people---almost causing an accident---only to reach a maximum velocity of 39 MPH in a 55 MPH zone. I also doubt it is for taking 25 minutes in the checkout line while removing those 2 items from their cart and then holding up the line 10 more minutes while whipping out an unfathomable CHECKBOOK (or paying in all coin from that bulging, jingling change pocket). And it couldn’t possibly be for ignoring phonics and insisting on pronouncing the letter “I” as a long “E” sound, pronouncing “AY” as a long “E” sound and arbitrarily adding an imaginary “R” to words that contain an “ASH” sequence (dishes = dEEshes, Tuesday = TuesdEE, and Washington = WaRshington, respectively).
Think about who makes the most money at your place of employment. If your company is anything like 95% of the world, the people with the most seniority make the most cash. Those people who have put in their time and effort are rewarded monetarily as such, which is fair. This, in turn, means younger people at the company who are still finding their way, do not bring home as much paper at the end of the pay period. Yes, I realize Prostitution is an exception here. Younger folks tend to demand higher wages in that profession. Thus, Prostitution and other trades like it fit into the 5% that was not accounted for above.
The interesting thing is, the older people at work have already ascended through the ranks and made the money that comes with it. Then, after having made the aforementioned high salaries for a few decades, these folks decided that they had made so much money that they no longer needed their jobs. So, if they have enough money to quit working, why should we give them discounts on EVERYTHING while the rest of us (who reside at the bottom of the pay scale at our respective firms and have small net-worth) pay full price for everything?
I’m broke. I need discounts at Don Pablo’s before 6:00 P.M. I need my age turned into a percentage and then deducted from my grocery bill. Successful, accomplished, retired, comfortable people do not need this price cut, but someone decided they would receive it anyway. Meanwhile, I am pleading for a Junior Citizen Discount and it is apparently falling on deaf ears (somehow NOT a pun about old people). This is absurd and will not be tolerated.
One of my friends (who is in his sixties) has a net-worth in the millions. I am 26 years old and have a net-worth of around (…checking pockets…) $61.87- yet somehow my friend pays 10% less when we go out to eat. Does this make anyone else want to open-handedly slap somebody? I thought so. Get in line.
You see, my friend has already made his money. He worked 35 long, hard years for a company. I am still years away from pulling in the serious jack that a visionary/genius like me deserves. So, in the meantime, I need random discounts to help me stretch my smaller, immature money roll.
It is time to come together as young people and unite in the name of putting our proverbial foots in the proverbial ass of this preposterous arrangement.
Can someone please do some research on what I need to do to get the "Senior Citizen Discount" eradicated and a "Junior Citizen Discount" established? I am too lazy to do the actual leg work. I would rather just complain and hope my bitching motivates someone else to get this rolling.
Opportunists like me often find a way to take advantage of situations such as this SCD travesty. In this instance, during the process of writing this column, it dawned on me to commence using senior citizens like government mules. From now on, I am making my Grandfather buy all of my stuff for me. If I need groceries, I’ll give him cash and have him run to the store for me so I get everything on discount. When I need a cup of coffee, I’ll make him buy it and then reimburse him (at the discounted price). And, when my Grandfather is not around, I will just ask random old people off the street to take my money and purchase things for me.
If you can’t beat them, exploit them.
You see, it’s taking advantage of their advantage. If seniors get a discount for no reason, we should at least make them earn it by demanding they purchase stuff for random young people whenever asked. Just think, keeping an old person in your posse could potentially lower your cost of living by 10% if they make all of your purchases for you. That’s twice as good as using a Discover Card…and accepted more places.
All of my life, when I saw a young person and a really old person out together, I figured it was probably a Grandparent and Grandchild spending time with one another. In actuality, it could have been a smart, young capitalist dragging some elderly stranger around so he could get 10% off of his daily errands. Genius. I need to create a really witty term for this practice. Suggestions are welcome. As always, try to include my name. The results will follow in a later post.
If you’re 65 and you desperately need a discount on your meals/groceries/coffees/haircuts just to get by, then you should not have retired as early as you did. You may need to start sending out resumes. I would refer you to CareerBuilder.com, but you don’t know how to use a computer. Wal-Mart is always looking to hire greeters.
Learn how to use the Internet already you lucky, Social Security sucking bastards.
I can’t wait to pimp you for your discount tomorrow morning at MCL Cafeteria.
You’re welcome.
-To2d
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