Duck.

A few posts ago, I let ay-body know that I got an iPhone. So far, I am pretty pleased with it. The only thing that really bothers me is that the texting sucks extremely hard. My fingers are too big for the small buttons so I always press the character to the right or left of which I intended.

In addition, iPhone has a very irritating spell correction that never seems to help me in any sort of way. Many of my friends also have iPhones. These friends of mine tell me that the most infuriating thing about iPhone’s spell correction (in their minds) is the fact that it will do all it can to keep users from spelling the “F” word. They tell me that every time they punch the “K” button to complete that special word, iPhone drops the “F” at the front and sneaks a “D” into its place. A lot of my friends like to curse, especially via text message, so this causes a lot of hiccups in our wireless communications.

These days, my friends are sending me a lot of text messages that contain phrases such as the following:



“Duck you.”

“Duck me.”

“Duck that.”

“Duck that ish.”

“You have got to be ducking kidding me.”

“You have got to be ducking ducking me.”

“We’re totally ducked.”

“I got really ducked up last night. I mean seriously, I went straight Lindsay Lohan in the club.”

“Duck those motherduckers.”

“Duck you you ducking duck.”

“Holy duck.”

“For duck’s sake.”

“Jesus ducking Christ.”

“Jesus ducking duck.”

“Jesus duck.”

“I swear to duck.”

“Go duck yourself.”

“Thank duck.”

"WTD?" (I just made this one up)



Luckily, I have been friends with these degenerates for a long time, and am extraordinarily intelligent, so I am generally able to crack these encoded compositions.

And once again, it is my friends sending these dastardly text messages, not myself.

At all.

Ever.



Dou’re Delcome,


-Dodd

Ready For The World.

I decided not to bore you kids with the typical “2008 wrap-up” article at the end of last year (you’re welcome). Almost everyone that writes any type of regular column has certain topics built into their yearly schedule, and the annual wrap-up tends to be one of them. Rather than follow, I bucked yet another trend.

The bad news is that in lieu of reviewing the past year, today I will instead be informing you all of my goals for the upcoming year. The good news is that I only have one goal.

My goal for 2009 is to start a cover band.

Sounds lame, right? Just wait.

I am so sick of the typical Elvis, The Beatles, Neil Diamond and 80’s cover outfits.

You have got to be snoring me.

I am taking it up a notch.

I am trying to start a Ready For The World cover band. This is a lot more funny when you realize what they look like, and then you cross that with the fact that I am 6’ 1”, 155 pounds and white (very).

I have no idea how I am going to fake a Jheri Curl, but therein lies much of the intrigue. The first article of business is to grow my hair out. I will deal with curling it when I get there.

There are other obvious obstacles as well. RFTW’s lead singer Melvin Riley has an incredibly high voice like an 11-year old boy. Meanwhile, my voice is extraordinarily low (like a 40-year old black dude who’s 6’8” and tipping the scales at over three bills). In addition, I cannot play guitar, bass, keys or drums. The only thing I really “play” is the turntable. That wouldn’t be authentic to RFTW, but maybe I could work it. I have to admit, it would be pretty dope to be a lead singer/DJ. I do not believe I have ever seen that. Screw it, we’re doing it.

RFTW stays in rotation on my iTod. They have club bangers AND baby makers. Those two things are all I look for when it comes to music.

Everyone knows RFTW’s “Oh Sheila” because it got a lot of run in the latter part of the 80’s. People also know that song because it is the only throwback RFTW that DJs still play in the clubs. I try not to hate, because I am just happy when a DJ acknowledges their greatness. But at the same time, can I get “Ceramic Girl” in the club every once in a while?

Seriously, looks these dudes up. They have a stable of hits. And, the songs you do not know are straight heaters too.

Almost daily I marvel at the phenomenon that is RFTW. The best way I can explain them is to think about what would have happened if Prince was the lead singer of The Isley Brothers in the 80’s and 90’s-and, in addition to slow joints, the Isley’s made pulsating up-tempo dance floor fire. Well, it happened, and it is called “Ready For The World.”

Do yourself a favor, go hit iTunes right now and grab “Ceramic Girl,” “Oh Sheila,” “Tonight,” “Slide Over” and “Love You Down.” Once you have listened to them all, try and convince me that during the course of the listening session you didn’t want to do four shots, dance your face off and then grab someone decent-looking and go half on a baby.

Now, don’t you want us to play your next event?

Exactly.

I mean, obviously no one is ever going to book us for anything (because as I understand it, you can get all six original members to perform at your event for less than the price of a decent coffee table), but that is not the point. The point is to honor one of my favorite groups in the world with the most sincere form of flattery.

As far as the band’s name goes, I am presently leaning toward either “Ready For The Girl” or “Ready For The Curled.” As always, suggestions are welcome. Feel free to drop those in the comment area or email them in.

Give me six months or so to get the auditions done and the team locked into place. After that, we should only need a few weeks of two-a-days to get the music right and the footwork tight. We should be ready to do shows by September. Part of me really wants to push to get this done earlier because, judging by Kanye’s current haircut, there is a very good chance he could be secretly plotting this very same thing.

Currently, I am my own booking agent on this-so for booking, I guess just hit me at WordsByTodd@Gmail.com


You are all about to be very welcome,


-Todd (AKA “Toddy Riley”)

[I was going to embed one of RFTW's YouTube videos here, but they have all had their embedding disabled by request. WTF Universal Motown???]

Cover Letters.

The last couple of blogs have been about unemployment. Whilst talking via mobile telephone to a friend who is currently searching for a new job, we ended up on the topic of resume cover letters. I told him that I had written some cover letters in my days back in Indianapolis that would make every teacher I ever had shake his head in disgust, disbelief or both.

I found three of the cover letters in my archives and emailed them to my friend for inspiration. He thought they were funny, so I figured I would share them with everyone before I put the unemployment topic on ice. Maybe these will help some of yous guys get past your cover letter writer’s block. Hey, I'm hear to help.

To be clear, the first one is a cover letter in the traditional sense. The second one was an email that I attached my resume to. The third piece is the follow-up email to number two.



------------------------------- ----------------------- ----------------------------



1)

Hello.

My name is Todd (name deleted for purpose of internet anonymity). I am currently searching for a stressful, chaotic, underpaid and CREATIVE position with a non-lame Marketing firm here in the Indianapolis area.

I have been doing extensive research into the Advertising/Marketing/Communications companies in Indianapolis and have become particularly interested in (company name here). Having worked in the Advertising industry here in Indianapolis for the past several years, I am quite familiar with (company name here)’s remarkable work and reputation. Also, I feel like my experience, creativity and personality could possibly be a really good fit there. Just perusing the projects on (company name here) 's website has me foaming at the mouth (and brain) with ideas.

I have attached my resume for you to immediately trash. If for some reason you read it, I hope you will find it to be a good match for (company name here) …instead of not.

I look forward to the possibility of wasting your time with an interview and facility visit. I always love wearing a suit, meeting higher-ups and lying about how qualified I am for jobs...if only for an hour or so.

Thank you for your time.


Kindest Regards,


Todd (last name deleted for purpose of internet anonymity) (AKA "The Todd" … AKA "T-Sizzle")



--------------------- ---------------------- ------------------------------------



2)

Hello Heidi!

My name is Todd (last name deleted for purpose of internet anonymity). Once you receive this email, I will be the leading candidate for (company name here) 's Public Relations Account Executive opening.

I am as creative, organized and nontraditional as you will find. My work ethic borders on obsessive and as luck would have it, I also happen to be hilarious. I am probably sounding like a perfect candidate right about now, right? Lovely, please read on.

Please take a second to peruse my resume. Once you have had a chance to look over my materials, I am certain that you will be looking to set up an immediate interview. I hope we can set up a meeting because I am even BETTER in person than on paper (as improbable as that may sound. Am I right?).

Please do not mistake my confidence for arrogance. Sometimes, things just fit and when I read this job listing on Monster.com I knew right then that I was the person your company was hoping to find when (company name here) placed the job listing.

I realize how much of a pain it must be to look through stacks of boring resumes to fill a position. It probably seems never-ending. Make it easy on yourself and put me on the top of the list. I am only trying to save you some time.

So, please take a second to peruse my resume and then call me to set up
that interview! If nothing else, I will make you laugh...that is a
promise.

I CAN DO THIS JOB!


Kindest Regards,


Todd (last name deleted for purpose of internet anonymity)



------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------------



3)

Heidi,

I am concerned that something catastrophic has happened. This is the only scenario I can come up with that would explain why your company has not yet contacted me about the Public Relations Account Executive job opening that needs filled. I mean, obviously you guys did not fill this position without even interviewing me did you? That would be a tragedy.

Call me crazy, but I am sensing some definite chemistry between myself and your email account. Even if all positions have already been filled, I feel we should schedule an interview just so we can kick it. I am a pretty entertaining individual (as you might have guessed from the witty banter exuded in my emails). At least let me come in and chat you folks up a little bit. You will not be disappointed.

Idea: everyone likes to eat; maybe we make this a lunch meeting. And do not worry, I loathe the awkwardness at the end of group meals too, so rather than argue about it later, I will just come right out and let you know now that I will allow you to pick up the check.

Please do not tell me that you have already hired some goofball with a General Studies degree from Butler and an affinity for ugly ties purchased from the Sears Men's department. I have seen this unfortunate scenario too many times. Honestly, take a look around your office. How many times do you think to yourself "Wow, it is amazing how many Soup Sandwiches we have working here. Why did we ever hire these people?" The good news is that you can put an end to this vicious cycle of bad hires. Start today by interviewing me.


Holler Back,


Todd (last name deleted for the purpose of internet anonymity)


------------------ ---------------------- --------------------------




(It's a wonder I was unemployed for so many months...)


You’re welcome,

-Todd

"We're worried about you."

[I wrote this piece back in 2007 when I lost my job. I did not start officially blogging until months later, so this was never posted. But, since I have been on a kick about unemployment lately, all of the sudden this article became relevant again. It may not be all that funny, but it helps further drive home my thoughts and feelings about unemployment.]





I recently lost my job.

A couple of months after being removed from the workforce my girlfriend also left me. Now, I have family and friends everywhere calling me to voice their concerns.

These same people have always called me. The interesting distinction is that they used to call to say that they cared about me, but during my hiatus they are all calling to say that they are worried about me. I guess most of them have been conditioned to react this way. We have all seen an incalculable number of movies and tv shows where people lose their jobs and/or girlfriends, become depressed and often speak of suicide. The ironic part is that I was most depressed and suicidal when I was working, because I hated my job.

These days, I have everything I have ever wanted…a permanent weekend, a plasma television and no one telling me how to spend my time. Now, my days are spent doing whatever the hell my heart desires all…day…long.

Yeah, totally suicidal.

Would you call your friends during their Spring Break in Cancun and tell them that you were concerned they may be depressed? That is what this feels like. I think people just do this sort of thing because they think it is what they are supposed to do. None of these friends or relatives appears to have considered that idea that I might actually be enjoying having a little time off to relax.

Since money is tight, I am doing a lot of free things like watching tv, attending random classes at the local library, hitting the gym, and watching movies that have been on my “to see” list for a decade.

The workout part has become a huge concern for my meddlers. I guess too many of them remember the Full House episode where Candace Cameron passed out from running on a treadmill too long while attempting to get in shape by starting a workout regimen the night before her first boy/girl party (as if one could rectify 15 years of bad diet and inactivity in three short hours on a treadmill. Silly tv teenagers). The irony here is that these same people that are calling me to express their concerns would probably still be worried about me if I spent my time at home eating chicken wings, not exercising and stacking on the pounds during my involuntary vacation.

So, how exactly are you supposed to act so people do not think you are depressed and suicidal?

I cannot help but laugh.

I am completely stress-free, happy, fulfilled and in the best physical shape I have been in since my days on the high school basketball team and yet, everyone is scared that I have gone to the bad place.

It is great to know that I have people that care about me, but this is hilarious. These friends and family members need to save their concerned phone calls for the next time I find employment and spend every day banging my head against my desk wondering why I ever took that miserable job.

Hey (insert friend or relative’s name here), call me tonight when you get home from your job that you hate; I’ll be at home with my feet up watching “The Godfather” for the 234th time.

Living the dream,

-Todd

"PRE-tirement."

One of my friends just lost his job. Apparently recessions also affect the circus industry.

Anyway…

My friend and I discussed his situation for a while, and after quite a bit of cursing, we focused in on the idea that the worst part of being unemployed is not usually that you lost your job, but the pressure and worthlessness you feel as a direct result of everyone telling you that you need to find a new job to replace the one you no longer have. Because, obviously you did not know this already.

For those that read the “Sleep” blog, you saw that I went tangential and started yapping about friends and family making their friends and family feel guilty for being unemployed.

What is it with you people?

Unemployment is rarely something that people choose, but if they did choose it more power to them. Most people who want to quit their jobs don’t, so I give ups to people who have the strength to take control of their lives and walk away from situations that are not working out for them.

For those who are asked (or told) to relinquish their positions, I would like to defend you with the following:

We all have to work 50 years of our lives at some point, so why not let people enjoy a few months off between jobs every decade or so? Geez people. When unemployed, the lucky unemployees should be donning sweatpants and basking in inactivity-not dealing with unnecessary stress from “friends” and family who are dropping serious guilt trip. Unemployees do not need the extra pressure. They already realize that they need to find work and resume earning a wage. Oh yeah, and they realized this way before you told them 274 times. You may have thought you were being constructive, but you were really just putting stress on the relationship with your “pretired” friend. This was evidenced by the 274 unnecessary arguments you caused.

Personally, I feel that when people make us feel guilty for being jobless, they are really saying “I don’t like that he is sitting at home resting. I hate my job too. I wish I could quit this crap factory and chill at home in an all-cotton jumpsuit.”

I want to turn unemployment into a cause for celebration, like winning the lottery or finalizing your divorce. If someone you know loses his job (not by choice), you should not be sweating him about his immediate plans, you should instead be planning his “Pretirement” party. The party should be so balls out (fireworks) that people are envious of your unemployed friend’s position (underage girls).

When a friend or family member calls to tell you he has been laid off, you should not be speaking in the tone that makes it sound like his dog just died. Instead, you should be using the tone similar to when he calls to tell you that he has just landed two free tickets to a sporting event and YOUR ass is going to be occupying the second seat.

Sometimes when we have jobs we get so caught up in going through the daily grind that we lose sight of our passions and goals. Unemployment can be a great time to let go, reflect, set new goals, sleep, stop ironing and get your swagger back. It amazes me that no one sees it this way. Everyone just wants to yell at you for not being miserable at a job everyday like they are. It is only partly their fault. Society conditions people to act this way.

The good news is we can turn this whole thing around. Good thing I started this blog (now, if we could just get EVERYONE in the world to read it).

Unemployment can be a good thing.

When I was unemployed, I launched a side business and began the planning stages of two others. I also traveled, hit the gym five days a week, took up yoga, began writing what will one day be the world’s funniest book and started the interweb’s dopest blog. Unemployment was awesome. I spent very little time pursuing a new job, because I was not ready to have one.

When I was ready to work again, I got a new job. My seeking employment had nothing to do with everyone telling me that I needed to do so. To that point, I was single during most of my unemployment, so apparently a man does not need a girlfriend yelling at him to find a new job in order to actually accomplish this. So, I guess that theory has been dispelled. Nope, finding another job had little to do with all of that crap and more to do with me having a working brain in my head.

Once, I had a girlfriend who was unemployed for a stretch. Everyday when I went to work, she was still asleep in my bed. When I came home for lunch, she was usually on my couch in her sweatpants. When I got home from work at the end of the day, she was usually in the exact same spot. In every movie, tv show and real-life situation in which I have seen this type of situation occur, the employed party tends to find this sort of behavior unacceptable. In my case, I could not have been more stoked that she was at home all the time. I got to see her way more than I did when she had a job. We got to laugh through lunch together almost every day of the week and she was already at my house when I got home from work every night (when your other half is as hot as my ex was, these are all good things).

Now, I could have incessantly badgered my ex-factor about finding employment, but she got enough of that each day from numerous other people that she was either friends with or related to. There was no need for me to pile on because nothing positive would have come from it. That kind of stuff would have just made her hate me as much as she hated everyone else for stating the obvious (and you never want to upset someone who is always at your house). If she asked for my opinion, it was given. Otherwise, I let her be an adult and handle her business.

Seriously, we feel awkward enough when we get those pity looks from new people we meet when we explain that we are currently in between jobs. It also sucks not being able to spend any money while serving our stretches. Since we have all of that going on, can you just stop asking us about finding a new job? Can we just enjoy sleeping in? Can we just enjoy not ironing? If nothing else, this will lead to less laundry pile up, because we can skip the whole “shower, shave and put on a suit (with tie loosened) 15 minutes before my better half gets home so it looks like I was out job hunting all day in order to prevent her inevitable speech about how I was not productive enough that day.”

Spurts of unemployment are these beautiful stretches of utopia sprinkled throughout our miserable professional lives. Stop fighting it and enjoy yourselves. I promise you will all be back working jobs you are disinterested in and underpaid for in no time. Until then, relax…and put the iron in the attic.

Anyway, I need to get off of here. I am on my way to go put in my resignation. I feel like pretiring for the Spring.


You’re welcome,

-Todd

Sleep (me likey).

I sleep a lot.

I am not sure if anything makes me more happy than sleeping. Actually, I am sure, and nothing does.

There is nothing more beautiful to me than unplugging my alarm clock and letting my body to decide for itself when it has finished resting. Yums.

I am obsessed with sleeping. Seriously.

Don’t believe me?

I often talk to people about their favorite positions-and it has nothing to do with sex.

When I first learned what a “bed sore” was, obtaining one became a personal goal of mine.

My earliest memories of truly enjoying being asleep are from when I was around 11 years old. When school was out during the summers and my daily schedule was delightfully void, I would sleep until at least noon every day. Well, not really. I would have, but my mother would call the house at 9:30 a.m. every day of the week to make sure that my sisters and brother were alive and awake. Every single day, everyone in the house would be awake when that call came, except for me. Inevitably, my mother would send one of my siblings up to my room to drag me out of bed.

Off top, I cannot think of many things that make me as angry as being woken up against my will. The only two things that are coming to mind are Nathan Lane’s stupid face and Nathan Lane’s stupid voice.

I never understood why my mother so desperately wanted me to be out of bed. I had to wake up early everyday during the school year; was it too much to ask to enjoy myself and get extra rest during my time off? It was at this time when I first began to realize that when people are miserable (i.e. at work) they want everyone else to be miserable too. “Misery loves company” as some say. This principle is what makes mothers want to ruin their children’s summer sleep-ins. It is this very same principle that also makes people want to make each other feel guilty for being unemployed.

[SIDEBAR: What is the deal with people making their family and friends feel bad for being unemployed? Unemployment is rarely something that people choose (and if they did choose it, more power to them). When you do not have a job, it rarely helps to have people constantly reminding you. I just became extremely angry. I am shutting this down and turning this topic into a completely separate article.]

My mother’s diligent efforts to wake me up early during the summer were thwarted by my laziness. Each morning, when one of my siblings would enter my room and yell at me to get out of bed (per mother’s orders), I would wake up…for about 14 seconds. I spent those 14 seconds sleepwalking down the staircase to the living room couch where I would immediately begin work on a nap. Either way, I was going to sleep until I was ready to be awake. It could have either been in the privacy of my own room (out of everyone’s way), or in the middle of the house (where everyone had to maneuver around me). I have no idea why my mother felt compelled to disrupt my sleep pattern and make me everyone else’s problem. No matter her reasoning, it was all wasted effort.

Did it make my mother feel better to have someone “wake me up,” even though I began napping 14 seconds after “waking up?”

Can a nap even be considered a nap if it begins 14 seconds after a full night’s sleep?

Would my mother have been happier if I had slept four hours every night, jumped out of bed at 7:00 a.m., and then taken two separate two-hour naps throughout the rest of the day to get my full eight hours in? If so, how long after waking up from a full night’s sleep (four hours) would I have to wait before I could start my first nap and have it NOT be considered an extension of the previous night’s sleep and risking being classified as “sleeping in?”

It is these types of questions that kept me up at night. Well, those questions and soft porn. Amongst all of the confusion I was facing as a teenager, I really did not need all of the red tape. What I did need was sleep.

Leave me alone people.

I vaguely remember my mother explaining to me why she never wanted me to sleep in. Her explanations cited something pertaining to irregular sleeping patterns being unhealthy (I was always half asleep when she was explaining this stuff to me). Either way, nothing my mother did, or attempted to do, made any difference. In my older age, I am pretty much the worst sleeper in the world. I have wildly irregular sleeping patterns. I go to bed late and wake up late. Some nights I skip sleeping altogether. When I do sleep, I do so in 15-minute increments, change positions with an angry attitude and then repeat the process (for anywhere between 15 minutes to 12 hours).

When I am not on my home court, things are even more awful. My bed at home is stupid plush, so sleeping on couches and futons at other people’s houses only make my incremental thrashing fits more intense.

It turns out that it’s not just my mother.

(When I sleep over with friends and family, they are always banging on the door way too early in the morning telling me to wake up. Don’t these people realize that this is like me banging on the door when they are trying to FALL sleep? Either way, you are keeping the other person from sleeping when they have obviously chosen to do so.)

I generally go to sleep last, so I generally wake up last. Somewhere along the line, people who go to bed the earliest (and consequently wake up the earliest) decided they had the green light to be annoying and wake up the people that are still sleeping.

This makes me want to strangle everyone involved AND passers by.

Keeping me from sleeping late in the morning is like me keeping these bastards from falling asleep before me at night. Eight hours of sleep is still eight hours of sleep, no matter which eight hours you choose to sleep through. Why is it that people who go to bed early and wake up early feel they are the only ones choosing the correct eight hours to be asleep? Moral high ground? I think not.

I just do not understand why people take such an interest in when other people are asleep and when they are awake. One of my college roommates always woke up extremely early on the weekends, had breakfast, ran errands, and then came home and napped for hours every afternoon. Occasionally, my roommate would nap a second time later in the evening for an hour or so. Cumulatively, we each slept 8-9 hours on Saturdays and Sundays. I did mine in one lump slumber, usually from 3:00 a.m. to around noon. My roommate, on the other hand, chopped her rest up as described above. I never made fun of her for her sleeping patterns, but she always joked with me about waking up so late.

Why is it that people do this?

I get sick, and in addition, I get tired (I get sick and tired) of people telling me I am “sleeping the whole day away.” I never bust into their rooms at 9:45 p.m. crying that they are “sleeping the NIGHT away.” I let people do what they want to do. It is not too much to ask for the same courtesy and respect in return.

I stay up all night because that is when all of the cool stuff happens. All of the good tv shows and movies are on late. I see no point in waking up before 99% of the rest of the world, making coffee and watching “Live with Regis and Kelly.” Oh, and the reason you need coffee is because your body is saying “F me John. Again? Why are we awake right now?” Nope, I slept straight through that this morning because last night I was up watching Kimmel. Then I went out clubbing and ate breakfast at a diner with a handful of strange women before zonking out at 4:00 a.m. I just cannot see swapping one for the other at this stage of my life (or ever).

If I ever buy a house and have houseguests for the weekend, I am going to make coffee and breakfast at night in an effort to keep everyone awake longer so we can all go to bed so late that it is actually early the next morning. This way, my houseguests will wake up the next afternoon, like me.

Stop sleeping the NIGHT away. And, stop waking your houseguests. If they wanted to be awake, they would have made their way out of bed already.

I’m not sorry.


You’re welcome.

-Todd