Over (10-26-08)

The following things are over, done with, finished, Hasselhoff. So, if any of the following happen to apply to you, please understand that you need to immediately check yourself.

1 – Juggling. I am told that juggling was widely considered to be interesting generations ago. For obvious reasons, I am unable to comprehend this, but whatever. Though I desperately want to, I cannot accurately comment on trends that originated before my birth. What I can do is comment on today, and today, juggling is cheesy. Like, “Macarena” cheesy. Work with me people.

2 – Ed Hardy. Ed Hardy is the new Von Dutch. Would you be caught wearing one of your 55 Von Dutch hats these days? Precisely. This is how ridiculous Ed Hardy is going to seem in about eight months (or now, depending on which blog you are reading). I know that this is going to be hard to swallow for those of you with those awesome hoodies with the bedazzled tigers on the back (insert patronizing “tiger” sfx here), but it is what it is.

In an effort to avoid hours of deleting all of your MySpace and Facebook photos where you were caught modeling your own personal 2007 Ed Hardy collection, you should probably just make the necessary “Space” and “Face” updates now and burn any and all of your EH paraphernalia.

3 – David Hasselhoff. Apparently, there was a time when David Hasselhoff was some sort of celebrity (again, I am told this). Years later, after his inevitable fall from the heights of mediocrity, it would become fashionable to make fun of this goofy bastard for his desperate attempts to cling to his past pseudo-celebrity status. Even with the advent of slightly amusing nicknames such as “’Hoff” used for poking fun at this German freak, two decades worth of using Mr. Hasselhoff as a punch line has worn terribly thin. It is not even funny to say his name to be ironic about people who still use his name to be ironic anymore. Seriously, nothing more. Ever.

4 – Beatboxing. When I see/hear people attempting to “make Rap beats” with their voices, I have to shut my eyes and plug my ears. For some reason, I am overcome with embarrassment for the people doing the beatboxing and have to throw an autistic fit to remove myself from the situation (since beaming myself to another geographical location is not yet a possibility).

I hate beatboxing with every fiber of my being. That said, I understand it. I realize that the technology we have today did not always exist, and that back in the day when people wanted to “spit hot fire” during a “Rap battle” in The Bronx, folks would either have to drag a table, a record player, a DJ mixer, some records, a pair of speakers and a power source out into the middle of a neighborhood park, or save two hours and just do it with their voices.

Now, we no longer need beatboxing. If someone really needs to start rapping out of nowhere, someone can just pull out their laptop or iPod and cue up and instrumental. Yet, there are people everywhere that are under the unfortunate impression that it is still okay to beatbox. The information these beatboxers are receiving is incorrect.

I was scared when I saw Justin Timberlake’s attempts to make beatboxing “hot” again when he pulled it out a few times on his last album and world tour. I only heard the first few notes at his concert before I went “Hellen Keller,” but I heard enough to know that Justin is just as bad as the rest. Maybe he is not all that bad, it is just that it is impossible to sound “cool” or “good” when doing something as ridiculous as beatboxing.

I am asking that we all just let this burn. It is over.

5 – Saying “Oooooooh” when you are in an establishment and the staff at that establishment decides to dim the lights.

I believe I first began noticing kids doing this when I went to my first school dance in 5^th grade. Instantly, I was bothered by this phenomenon, but I took comfort in the thought that this stupid practice must certainly be confined to awkward Midwestern pre-teens that could not figure out how to dance on beat to “Hip-Hop Hooray.” Much to my dismay, I am 16 years removed from 5^th grade, living in Los Angeles California and continuing to run into grown-ass people who are still committing this heinous social offense.

This past Saturday night, after batting 1-for-3 with two errors at a Hollywood nightclub, I hit up nearby Café 101 with my downtrodden wingman for a full recap of the night’s events. Shortly after ordering our provisions, the restaurant staff decided to dim the lights and, as if scripted, 15 or so patrons simultaneously yelled “Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh” as if the dimming of the lights was some sort of cue from Café 101’s staff to ignite a cafe-wide orgy. It wasn’t funny, so I didn’t laugh. It was tragic, so I did drop and my head and shake it in total disgust.

What is this seriously about? I guess this behavior perpetuates because no one is ever told they need to stop. Luckily, this is exactly the type of reason for which I created this blog. Right here, right now, I am documenting that this unfortunate behavior needs to end. Shut it down.

You’re welcome.

-Todd