Top 5 Racially-Insensitive Sneaker Ideas

By now, you are all probably familiar with the ADIDAS "Shackle" shoe.  Word recently surfaced that ADIDAS would cancel their release, due to an incredible amount of backlash (no pun intended).  I found them to be spectacularly offensive.  So, last week I sat in the SportieLAB, popped an Aquafina, and set off to see if I could generate any fake shoe ideas that the public might find more cringe-worthy than ADIDAS' attempt to set Black people back five decades.

[Editor's note:  All text in this article reflects only the ideas of the writer (who is a freelance hack) and not the thoughts or opinions of SportieLA.  It is all meant to be humorous.  We love everyone equally.]

Now that we got that out of the way-hold on tight, these might sting a little...


 1 - SUPRA "Sex Offender."  Imagine a Supra SkyTop III in a faint peach colorway.  Imagine each shoe's suede upper having a chunk missing to comfortably accommodate those bulky ankle monitoring devices.

 2 - Jumpman "Welfare."  A lifestyle shoe if ever there was one, the Jumpman "Welfare" is perfect for sitting around all day, rolling up blunts, talking in movie theaters, and claiming other people's kids on your taxes.  Imbedded in the toe of the shoe is a digital clock that is set 90 minutes ahead, so you're always on time.  The initial launch will be in the "Newport King" colorway.  New colorways will follow each 1st and 15th.

 3 - "Middle" Eastland.  All white Eastland Freeports.  Dark, tinted laces.  BMW insignias on the toe and heel.

 4 - K-Swiss "Kosher."  Ideal for walking to temple, being coddled by your (s)mother, filing other people's taxes, taking the L-SAT, and negotiating a cheaper price.  The sticker price has already been knocked down 60% off the suggested retail price.

 5 - Fira "Kung Fu."  The folks at Fila dropped their "L" and added a "R" for this exclusive Eastern Hemisphere release.  The Kung Fu's come with interchangeable logo inserts for each color of the martial arts belt system.  Don't even think about wearing these to hoop, the Kung Fus were specifically designed for the three most popular hobbies in Asia: Algebra, Trigonometry, and Calculus.  The lacing eyelits are thin and slanted.  I couldn't think of a funny way to incorporate karaoke or traffic school.


If you were offended, feel free to drop a comment.


You're welcome,


_Todd

NBA Finals 2012: Haircuts and Consequences

Tonight is Game 5 of the 2012 NBA Finals. But, who can forget what we just saw in Game 4?

Russell Westbrook put up Shaq numbers. LeBron gave us damn near a triple-double. The Thunder eventually came up short in the "final" seconds of an instant classic.

Even with all of that, the best part for me was Norris Cole's haircut. It currently resides somewhere on the border of two different school districts: "box cut" and "high-top fade." Either way, I feel like if he doesn't do something soon, his mother may send him to live with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air. My question is, are the veterans hazing him, or did he cut his hair that way of his own free will?  Regardless of who is to blame, he and his teammates need to be aware of the historical significance at play here.  Pictures and video from every NBA Finals gets replayed at nauseum during the months following the series.  Sometimes (Game 4 from this year, for instance), the games are replayed in their entirety on ESPN Classic or NBA TV.  Then, each year around NBA Finals time, we revisit crazy games and anniversaries from the past.  I am not so sure Norris Cole is aware that he is etching that haircut in stone for eternity.

The other problem is, at a glance, we can generally ballpark the year a game took place, based on the hairstyles, sneakers, and trouser lengths of the players.  Norris Cole has sent that straight to East Hell.  In 30 years, someone is going to see the 2012 NBA Finals and think it was the 1992 NBA Finals, because they won't realize Norris Cole's haircut was meant to be ironic (or as part of a cruel rookie hazing program).

I feel like at some point tonight, Norris is going to catch an alley-oop pass from Bobby Hurley and dunk it to give Duke an early 7-1 lead over Kansas in the 1991 NCAA Championship.


          




You're Welcome,


_Todd

Lea Thompson.

  

Like most people born in the 80's, my favorite movie is "Whichever volume of Back to the Future is Playing at the Time."  I have spent an incalculable number of nights blowing off friends to watch Marty McFly shred skateboard at Hill Valley's town square, and guitar at "The Enchantment Under The Sea" Dance.  Admittedly, the trilogy's 3rd installment blows in comparison to the first 2, but regardless, I will forgo anything my other 5,000 channels have to offer in order to watch all, or even fractions, of any BTTF film.

Moreover, I want a Delorean.  Not so much in a nerdy "Comic-Con" way, but in more of a "fuck yeah" way (though, those may be the same).

A few weeks back, when I was "researching" George Clooney's address for a post, I stumbled upon a very sexual nugget of information.  As it turns out, Lea Thompson (Lorraine Baines-McFly) currently lives just a few driveways down from GC's Fryman Canyon home.  Had I known her address during my teenage years, I probably wouldn't be able to legally get within 200 yards of her today, due to the amount of "research" I would presumably have done with my binoculars.  By now, it has probably become clear that Lea was the object of my affection (loins) for most of my life (AKA, I wanted to take her to "The Enchantment Under The PANTS" Dance).

Recently, while discussing my Clooney post with a friend, I mentioned how it was actually cooler for me to see Lea Thompson's house than it was for me to snoop around George's.   My friend proceeded to tell me that her brother randomly met Lea in '92 and "went on a few dates with her."  Immediately sick with jealousy, I launched a full-scale interrogation, with my iPhone serving as the scorching hot admission-evoking lamp.  I needed details.  She wasn't about to simply leave it at "went on a few dates."

After some back-and-forth, I deduced that the 1992 dates took place in Kansas City, Missouri. As legend has it, the brother approached Lea from the opposite side of a fence while she was jumping on a trampoline at her friend's house (presumably in a wet t-shirt).  Flirtatious conversation ensued and contact information was exchanged.  Sadly, the story was too odd and specific to be fake.

Though I didn't know if my poor heart would be able to deal with the answer, I had to ask "The Question."  I knew Lea poked her phone number through a hole in the fence on that fateful day back in 1994, but I had to know if my friend's brother poked his penis through the hole in Lea's vagina.  After several deep breaths, I demanded the answer.

Could my friend possibly have a brother smooth enough to defile Lea Thompson at the height of her fame and sexiness?  If so, could simply hearing about it decades later scar me for life and ruin all future viewings of the BTTF trilogy?  In the event the relationship was consummated, would I consider Lea to have cheated on me, though she was much older and we have still never met?  Though I found out years ago that Lea had kids, was I still foolishly hoping that she was "saving herself" for me?  Regardless of the goings-on in 1992, would I still smash Lea Thompson today, just for sport and legend?

1) Yes.
2) Yes.
3) Yes.
4) Yes.
5) Yes.

As told to me, the guy beat Lea's cakes like they owed him trick money.  Thankfully, he didn't do it in the back of a Delorean.  That would have sent me barreling over my threshold.

After learning all of this news, I am not ashamed to admit I was semi-comatose for a couple of weeks. Several days were spent in a catatonic state.  As you can imagine, all of my creative projects were pushed back.

And so it is.  I am currently on the long road to putting the pieces back together, which includes finding a new favorite 80s movie.  Fortunately, there are a lot of solid films to choose from.  Unfortunately, I had already chosen the best one of all - and now that's completely fucked.


Forgive the crudity of the article; I didn't have time to build it to scale.



You're welcome,


_Todd



         

Chuck, Chuck, Bo, Buck...