Watching Football Games At Bars.

(I had a lot of fanmail action in my inbox last week in response to the “Love Actually” blog, so I figured I would keep the football theme going for one more…)

My friends are always suggesting that we “hit up a bar, grab a few beers and watch the game.”  One, I am a HUUUUUUUUUUUGE football fan.  Two, I am not a big drinker.  Three, I like to actually watch games instead of intermittently glancing at the screen between meaningless conversations with strangers, orders of rubbery boneless chicken wings and “excuse me, I need to get by you”s.

If I am going to plan my day around watching a game, then I plan to do exactly that.  If I wanted to go to a bar, stand in the aisle, constantly move out of the way of people who need to get past me, eat bad food and have hard-to-hear conversations over the dull roar of 300 people, I would have invited my friends to go out and do that, instead of watch a football game.

When it comes to watching a game, I like to be engaged for every snap of the contest.  This is impossible when you only glance at the screen every couple of minutes due to the constant interruptions of “bar activity.”  When I watch games this way, every time I look up more points are on the scoreboard and I have no idea how those points got up there.  Was it a fluke flea-flicker?  Was it a fluke turnover that lead to points?  Was it one little missed assignment on Special Teams that lead to a fluke kickoff return for a score?  Or, did one team just jam the ball down the other’s throat en route to a dominating seven-minute, 18-play scoring drive?  You see, I like to know who’s offensive and defensive lines are controlling the line of scrimmage, and which team’s coordinators have the other team best figured out.  This is the only way I can get a real sense of which team is truly “beating” the other - as the score does not always reflect the better team at every juncture of a football game.

This is where it gets fun…

Of all of the people I have noticed that like to try and move game viewings to bars, the majority of the perpetrators seem to be female. 

I understand this. 

On average, women seem to enjoy watching sports on tv less than men.  So, wives, girlfriends, chick friends, bust-it-babies and “We’re just seeing where it goes”-es tend to try and push to get out of the house so everyone can meet up and watch games at bars.  This way, the women get to socialize with the girlfriends of my guy friends, get drunk on our tabs and make every attempt possible to ensure that I do not pay any attention at all to the game we all came out to watch in the first place.

One of my ex-girlfriends used to always push to get out to the bars on Saturday evenings in the fall while I was still immersed in that day’s College Football action.  I would explain that I wanted to stay in and watch tv until all the games were over-which, in the Eastern Time Zone meant getting to the bars around 12:30 A.M.  She would kindly enlighten me to the fact that these bars would actually have their own televisions displaying the very same games I was currently watching (which, to her, was apparently the same thing as me watching from the quiet, clean, pleasantly fragrant comfort of my home).  Eventually, I would explain myself using all of the same arguments listed above in this blog and a fight would inevitably ensue

(A “fight” for those that do not know, is when a man is right and a woman does not want to admit it). 

You see, she never really understood where I was coming from…

…until I came up with the greatest idea EVER…

This ex-girlfriend of mine was particularly consumed by MTV’s fake reality show “The Hills.”  She and her friends liked to get together every week, make food, gossip and DVR the show…while they watched it live (in case a part was missed or needed to be rewound for further clarity).  So, in many ways, they were equally as anal-retentive about “The Hills” as I am about football. 

Hmmm... 

Sooooooooo, of course I would suggest one Thursday that we move the “Hills” party out of the house and over to our favorite bar.  This way, the girls could bring their boyfriends and the guys could chat and get drunk while the ladies squinted to see the screen, constantly moved out of the way of passers-by, and labored to hear muffled dialogue. 

Of course, I was an idiot for suggesting something so absurd. 

My idea was instantly met with an avalanche of criticism.  I was quickly reminded that it was a weeknight (Thursday) and that everyone needed to get up early Friday morning.  Quickly, I reminded everyone about how many Monday Night Football games we had been forced to move out to bars at the suggestion of the women so the chicks could socialize.  Getting up early for work the next day never seemed important on those weeknights.  Further, I made sure to bring to everyone’s attention that “The Hills” ends 2.5 hours earlier than MNF games, which would mean far less sleep deprivation.

Wouldn’t you know it, another “fight” ensued.

You’re welcome.

-Todd


(Scoring opportunity:  Points will be award to the first five people to post their favorite football team - College or Professional. Standard scoring is in effect  You must post your favorite team in the "comments" section of this blog  (at www.wordsbytodd.blogspot.com), and your favorite team must NOT be Ohio State.)