Vasectomy: The gift that keeps NOT giving

You may or may not have heard me make mention of this in the past, but I am a self-proclaimed visionary. This entry is yet another testament to my envelope-pushing genius. Today’s lesson has to do with the lovely idea of vasectomies. PLEASE KEEP READING.

The sheer mention of the word “vasectomy” sends every man’s testicles shriveling up into his body cavity. I am here to put an end to that. In the future, I want that very same word to become synonymous with a responsible, worry free, empowered lifestyle.

It was in my teen years that I was beginning to realize that my outlook on the world was more than a touch off-center. Junior high school paired me with my soon-to-be best friend who also questioned convention on a regular basis. It was once we became close friends and began having profound conversations about how sheep-like people were that we both began to comprehend and embrace our respective geniuses.

Ready, set, scalpel...

Just as I was approaching the age of 14, I realized that I was already leaning seriously toward the idea of a vasectomy. Some might call that "premature elimination," but not me. There is a vas defrens between premature elimination and what I am explaining here (insert laugh).

Imagine my mother’s surprise when I told her I wanted a vasectomy as my 15^th birthday present. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am the only person to ever request this procedure unprovoked-and at such a tender age. The way I figured, I could permanently take the idea of unexpected pregnancy out of the equation and get to work on my plot to court the entire cheerleading squad…of every school in the county. And this was all before ever stumbling upon the brilliant idea that I could freeze a sample of my DNA before permanently shutting off the faucet and turning my pubescent back on the idea of ever procreating.

With me so far?

Don’t feel bad that it is all starting to make sense-that’s the idea. Just give in to it (making shoulder massage motion with hands).

Of course, my mother declined my proposal (even though it was accompanied by a very compelling PowerPoint presentation) and I was sent out into the wild new world of horny teenage females with a loaded, fully-automatic reproductive system.

Fast forward 10 years and a few high school cheerleaders.

I was riding in my car the other day thinking about how awful my luck is and how the universe so often seems to be working against me, when I began attempting to put a positive spin on my situation (something I learned from an eternally optimistic ex-factor of mine). About six seconds into my internal psychiatry session I realized my luck was actually pretty decent. All of the stuff that had gone tragically wrong in my life was all forgiven with one redeeming thought: I was in my mid-twenties and single with no kids. That’s exactly where I always wanted to be.

Here comes the fun part where it all starts to hit home for everyone.

Fellas, think about the biggest nightmare of a chick you have ever “two become one” with. You know, that ugly, trashy, mentally-unbalanced, jealous, uneducated, unemployed, burnout that was awful in the sack and you later found out was addicted to blow? For some, there is more than one of these chicks on the ol’ resume, but stay with me. You two were a train wreck together. It was circumstance that brought you two into each other’s lives (well, circumstance and vodka...cheap vodka). It was convenient for a while, but definitely went on a few months longer than it should have. Fortunately, you two broke it off and she has moved on to dating her weed dealer. Take a deep breath. Can you smell that? That’s right, it is called freedom. Smells so lovely, don’t you agree?

(cue “Freedom” by George Michael)

Now, what if you had accidentally impregnated that coke monkey ex-girlfriend of yours? Sadly, this tragic tale is a reality for some. For that, I am sincerely apologetic. For the rest, consider yourselves the luckiest men in the world. We all get a new lease on life. Now, if we ever do have that chance encounter with Jessica Alba, we are free to take her home (save your money guys, she’s actually rubbish in the bag. What can I say…she liked my swagger).

On a less tragic level, think to yourself what scares you the most about sex. First, you need to be responsible and make sure that each party’s medical charts are coming back clean. Once you have ruled that stuff out, what else is there to worry about? Not pregnancy. Not any longer. Vasectomies free everyone up to focus on the task at hand (and by “hand,” I mean “pelvis”).

Women everywhere are probably angry that I am systematically dismantling their laundry list of excuses for declining sex. I’m sorry, I’m not sorry. I guess this means you ladies are going to have to average quite a few more headaches than you have in the past. What else do you all really have left to go on?

Now, is anyone starting to like the idea of getting a vasectomy? Of course you are. You owe it to the people who screwed their one and only lives by not taking advantage. 10 years from now, this idea will be the norm. School nurses will be performing this procedure on teenage boys during study halls nationwide and no one will ever think twice about it. Not only is vasectomy the best idea ever invented, it should be the law!

Honestly, if you could have a surgery that eliminates all chances of conceiving a child unexpectedly, why would you NOT opt for it-especially when you can freeze a DNA sample beforehand that allows for creating a family when the time is right? Seriously, to get pregnant, you would have to make a sober, cold-blooded, clear-headed appointment with your doctor. Can anyone find a drawback? It’s OUTPATIENT surgery for balls’ sake.

I just recently saw a study showing that children on average cost $300,000 before they turn 18. The national average says people have 2.3 kids per household. This means a preemptive/adolescent vasectomy (which shall now be referred to as a “Todd is a genius-ectomy”) could save the average household $645,000 or somewhere thereabout. Sounds like a fair trade for a small co-pay and one night of sitting on a bag of frozen peas. How is this sounding to you cash-strapped parents during this recession?

Here comes some more good news: there is still time. Every day presents yet another opportunity for all of us guys to hit the stirrups. This is still in the beginning stages, but I am seeing visions of traveling vans that make this as easy as giving blood. In addition, I am overcome with T-shirt ideas for the first “Todd is a genius-ectomy” drive.

Mandatory sperm donations and vasectomies for all guys once they reach the age to donate. It’s so simple. So beautiful. I feel like I just discovered electricity.

Am I missing anything?

Hopefully, I am not overlooking any pitfalls in my haste to share this idea with the world. If you are about to play the “Barbaric” card, please remember that doctors chop off the foreskin of most dudes about and hour after we exit the womb. To me, a vasectomy is far less barbaric than circumcision.

Still no objections? Anybody?

One of my friends told me that it now makes sense to get a vasectomy because he is married and they are finished having children. I told him that this is exactly the type of short-sighted behavior that compelled me to pen this opus.

It makes no sense to wait to eliminate any chance of accidental pregnancy until you have found your one and only soul-mate. It seems you would want the faucet turned off UNTIL you meet the one that you are contractually bound to for life and okay with the idea of impregnating.

For those of you who kick yourself every single day for accidentally knocking up a woman and getting trapped in a loveless relationship, I apologize for taking so long to realize this idea and post this entry.

To be honest, I know exactly why my friend that I spoke of above said what he said. The idea that I am presenting makes perfect since, but he is unable to wrap his mind around it because it is not what has customarily been done for the last several hundred years…WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY I BLOG. Just because things are customarily done a certain way DOES NOT mean that way is right. Nor does it mean all other ideas are wrong or “The Devil” as I am sometimes told. Wake up people. Stop drinking the Kool-Aid.

I just single-handedly:

1 – solved the overpopulation crisis (That whole “Baby Boom” thing would have never happened on my watch. Moreover, Social Security would still be thriving and a viable option for generations to come. )

2 – avoided numerous abortion arguments

3 – lowered the number of abused and neglected children due to unwanted pregnancies

4 – lowered the world’s crime rate---since abused and neglected children are statistically shown to have a higher potentiality for having a criminal future (Levitt 2003, pp. 137-138)

Does all of this make me eligible for the Nobel Peace Prize? If so, I’d put money on yours truly leaving with the trophy.

The only drawback coming to me currently is that, if needed, we guys couldn’t “pull the goalie” like a woman who lies about being on the pill to get intentionally impregnated by an NBA player. Before deciding to blaze the trail of this new movement, I was hoping to pull the male equivalent on Kate Beckinsale when the day comes that we finally meet outside of Facebook. I have not as of yet crafted a suitable name for the male version of this tactic. Please email me with suggestions. I am drawing blanks. Soon, I hope to be shooting them too.

You’re welcome.

Todd (AKA “Snip Doggy Dogg”)

[Levitt, Steven D. Freakonomics. William Morrow, April 12, 2005.]