This ain’t no Disco; nor is it a country club.
For those that do not already know, I just moved to L.A…Los Ang…Floss Angeles.
I have officially hit the 3-month mark, and I have a few comments…
I live in North Hollywood’s “Historic Arts district.” That phrase sounds really cool until you realize what it means. Allow me to break it down:
“Historic” = rundown, forgotten about, left for dead.
“Arts District” = hippies…everywhere.
Most people call North Hollywood “NOHO,” but I refuse to do so. It seems a little too “New York is really cool, so why don’t we jock them” for my personal taste (officially, I think it is cheesy that NY does this with their neighborhoods as well). The one good thing about a new-agey acronym for a neighborhood means that a few rich real-estate developers have decided to sink loads of money into rebuilding the community in an attempt to turn the neighborhood around and make trillions of dollars.
All in all, I like North Hollywood. I spent most of my life living in the middle of nowhere with no one around. I decided it was time to mix it up and opt for a place crawling with hippies, hipsters, skaters, blaring sirens and all-night, cash-only, non-English speaking taco stands. I was desperate for a change and North Hollywood seems to be a decent fit.
The worst thing about moving to L.A. so far actually has not been the traffic, the fires or the smog. It is people saying “Welcome to L.A.” to me every 15 seconds.
For some reason, that phrase really makes me want to choke people. No matter the circumstances under which this phrase occurs, it always seems to carry a sort of condescending tone that sends me over the edge.
It is hilarious to me to hear people smirk and utter “Welcome to L.A., man” with an inflection that makes me seem like the most ignorant, backward, unrefined person in the world. I may have moved here from Indiana, but I have also visited nearly half of the states in America, went to college in Florida and have been to three countries in Europe. It’s not like this is my first time seeing celebrities, Ferraris or paying $20 for a drink.
The best part is that the jerks that I hear this phrase from were in my exact same position two years ago. Hence, I honestly feel like it bothers people as much as it bothers me to hear this phrase, but since they had it done to them, they feel the need to be “seasoned veteran L.A. know-it-all guy” whenever they get the chance to return the favor. I guess this somehow makes people feel better about themselves since they felt so inferior the first time someone tried to make them feel like an idiot by welcoming them to L.A.
The best part is when people that I know for a fact are also transplants and have only lived out here for a couple of years drop this phrase on me. I have come to learn not to ever mention anything remotely interesting I see, or anything irregular that occurs, for if I do, I am only asking to hear this infuriating phrase.
I have decided to never…ever…use the phrase “Welcome to (insert any place on Earth here).” Although, if I wanted to, I am curious as to when I am allowed to play the “seasoned veteran L.A. guy” act on another person. Six months, one year, what is the ruling on that? When do you get to move on from “clueless new guy” to “informed jerk off guy?” At any rate, this whole thing needs to stop before fatalities occur.
A couple of times since I have moved here, massive fires have broken out. I must admit, the fire thing is pretty scary. Every ten minutes, my TV show will get interrupted because a new fire has popped up in yet another location. It is really scary for me, because I do not know much about the local geography, so I am clueless as to whether or not the fires are near me or not. The scariest part is that I am too lazy to get on the computer and Google map it to find out. For all I know, I could be surrounded by fires and marked for death. I really am a lazy piece. It truly sucks when the sky is black and North Hollywood smells like a campfire. But, since some people lose their lives and houses during these disastrous fires, I try to keep my fire complaining to a minimum.
Another thing I have noticed is that everyone is obsessed with celebrities…but vehemently denies it. They all claim celebrity sightings are “common,” that it is “not a big deal anymore” and that I will “get used to it.” Nothing could be further from the truth. The only thing people ever talk to me about is who they saw at the grocery store, the restaurant, the gas station or at the club last night.
Everyone gets a rush from standing in line at Starbucks next to someone they have grown accustomed to having a “TV only” relationship with. I mean, it’s kind of surreal. Why do people have such a problem owning this? I sure don’t. If I saw Jay-Z right now, I would soil myself, fight the urge to pass out…and then hand him my resume (hopefully sans urine). There, was that so hard? Look, I know you, so I know exactly what kind of “work, eat, sleep, repeat” life you live. So, as embarrassing as it may seem, let’s not act like seeing Hilary Duff at Coffee Bean yesterday wasn’t the most exciting thing that has happened to you in the last six months (since your last celebrity sighting). Be for real.
Now, for a few highlights:
Celebrities!!! – Although no one in L.A. would have you believe it, being constantly surrounded by famous, rich, successful people is actually kind of nice. At least there is a 0.0006 chance I could be discovered by, or land a date with, one of these powerful people while in line at the grocery store. The same could not be said, however, about all of the Newport-smoking townies that I stood on line with at the grocery in Indianapolis. You know, not a lot of reasons to be handing those folks my resume and demo.
The Weather. – Today in Indianapolis, it was 36 degrees. It was 80 degrees today in L.A.
End of explanation.
“18 Dummy.” - Being a huge Hip-Hop fan, I know a lot of slanguage. I have long been a fan of West Coast music, so I was familiar with the phrase “18 Dummy” way before I ever moved out here. It just feels good to finally live in a place where people commonly use this expression in everyday conversation. For those not familiar, it means “getting super stupid drunk on Jose Cuervo1800 tequila.” Not that I would ever do such a thing (because Patron is waaaay more smooth).
Seriously, next time you are talking to your friends about going out to get drunk, instead of saying that you are “going to get so drunk tonight,” say you are “going18 Dummy.” I promise you’ll have more fun.
That’s it for now (but not even close to the last of it).
You’re welcome.
-Todd
For those that do not already know, I just moved to L.A…Los Ang…Floss Angeles.
I have officially hit the 3-month mark, and I have a few comments…
I live in North Hollywood’s “Historic Arts district.” That phrase sounds really cool until you realize what it means. Allow me to break it down:
“Historic” = rundown, forgotten about, left for dead.
“Arts District” = hippies…everywhere.
Most people call North Hollywood “NOHO,” but I refuse to do so. It seems a little too “New York is really cool, so why don’t we jock them” for my personal taste (officially, I think it is cheesy that NY does this with their neighborhoods as well). The one good thing about a new-agey acronym for a neighborhood means that a few rich real-estate developers have decided to sink loads of money into rebuilding the community in an attempt to turn the neighborhood around and make trillions of dollars.
All in all, I like North Hollywood. I spent most of my life living in the middle of nowhere with no one around. I decided it was time to mix it up and opt for a place crawling with hippies, hipsters, skaters, blaring sirens and all-night, cash-only, non-English speaking taco stands. I was desperate for a change and North Hollywood seems to be a decent fit.
The worst thing about moving to L.A. so far actually has not been the traffic, the fires or the smog. It is people saying “Welcome to L.A.” to me every 15 seconds.
For some reason, that phrase really makes me want to choke people. No matter the circumstances under which this phrase occurs, it always seems to carry a sort of condescending tone that sends me over the edge.
It is hilarious to me to hear people smirk and utter “Welcome to L.A., man” with an inflection that makes me seem like the most ignorant, backward, unrefined person in the world. I may have moved here from Indiana, but I have also visited nearly half of the states in America, went to college in Florida and have been to three countries in Europe. It’s not like this is my first time seeing celebrities, Ferraris or paying $20 for a drink.
The best part is that the jerks that I hear this phrase from were in my exact same position two years ago. Hence, I honestly feel like it bothers people as much as it bothers me to hear this phrase, but since they had it done to them, they feel the need to be “seasoned veteran L.A. know-it-all guy” whenever they get the chance to return the favor. I guess this somehow makes people feel better about themselves since they felt so inferior the first time someone tried to make them feel like an idiot by welcoming them to L.A.
The best part is when people that I know for a fact are also transplants and have only lived out here for a couple of years drop this phrase on me. I have come to learn not to ever mention anything remotely interesting I see, or anything irregular that occurs, for if I do, I am only asking to hear this infuriating phrase.
I have decided to never…ever…use the phrase “Welcome to (insert any place on Earth here).” Although, if I wanted to, I am curious as to when I am allowed to play the “seasoned veteran L.A. guy” act on another person. Six months, one year, what is the ruling on that? When do you get to move on from “clueless new guy” to “informed jerk off guy?” At any rate, this whole thing needs to stop before fatalities occur.
A couple of times since I have moved here, massive fires have broken out. I must admit, the fire thing is pretty scary. Every ten minutes, my TV show will get interrupted because a new fire has popped up in yet another location. It is really scary for me, because I do not know much about the local geography, so I am clueless as to whether or not the fires are near me or not. The scariest part is that I am too lazy to get on the computer and Google map it to find out. For all I know, I could be surrounded by fires and marked for death. I really am a lazy piece. It truly sucks when the sky is black and North Hollywood smells like a campfire. But, since some people lose their lives and houses during these disastrous fires, I try to keep my fire complaining to a minimum.
Another thing I have noticed is that everyone is obsessed with celebrities…but vehemently denies it. They all claim celebrity sightings are “common,” that it is “not a big deal anymore” and that I will “get used to it.” Nothing could be further from the truth. The only thing people ever talk to me about is who they saw at the grocery store, the restaurant, the gas station or at the club last night.
Everyone gets a rush from standing in line at Starbucks next to someone they have grown accustomed to having a “TV only” relationship with. I mean, it’s kind of surreal. Why do people have such a problem owning this? I sure don’t. If I saw Jay-Z right now, I would soil myself, fight the urge to pass out…and then hand him my resume (hopefully sans urine). There, was that so hard? Look, I know you, so I know exactly what kind of “work, eat, sleep, repeat” life you live. So, as embarrassing as it may seem, let’s not act like seeing Hilary Duff at Coffee Bean yesterday wasn’t the most exciting thing that has happened to you in the last six months (since your last celebrity sighting). Be for real.
Now, for a few highlights:
Celebrities!!! – Although no one in L.A. would have you believe it, being constantly surrounded by famous, rich, successful people is actually kind of nice. At least there is a 0.0006 chance I could be discovered by, or land a date with, one of these powerful people while in line at the grocery store. The same could not be said, however, about all of the Newport-smoking townies that I stood on line with at the grocery in Indianapolis. You know, not a lot of reasons to be handing those folks my resume and demo.
The Weather. – Today in Indianapolis, it was 36 degrees. It was 80 degrees today in L.A.
End of explanation.
“18 Dummy.” - Being a huge Hip-Hop fan, I know a lot of slanguage. I have long been a fan of West Coast music, so I was familiar with the phrase “18 Dummy” way before I ever moved out here. It just feels good to finally live in a place where people commonly use this expression in everyday conversation. For those not familiar, it means “getting super stupid drunk on Jose Cuervo1800 tequila.” Not that I would ever do such a thing (because Patron is waaaay more smooth).
Seriously, next time you are talking to your friends about going out to get drunk, instead of saying that you are “going to get so drunk tonight,” say you are “going18 Dummy.” I promise you’ll have more fun.
That’s it for now (but not even close to the last of it).
You’re welcome.
-Todd
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