Over (6-3-09)

From time to time, people need to be notified (or reminded, depending) that some things are OVER-and will no longer be tolerated. Some of you may already be familiar with this idea if you read my “Over (10-26-08)” entry. Either way, I have officially added four more items to the list…

1 – The “Tapas” Discrepancy.

We all know that every time someone mentions a tapas restaurant, everyone thinks the person said “topless” (instead of “tapas”) because those two words sound a lot alike.

One, it’s not really all that funny.

Two, if any context clues are used whatsoever, it is easy to tell that when you and your friends are talking about making a reservation at a restaurant, they are probably not randomly inserting comments about shirtless females (with my friends it is slightly more difficult to tell, but still).

Bottom line:

1) Yes, the two words sound alike.

2) It was nothing more than “mildly amusing” the first time you heard it (61 years ago), so at this point it is

officially “zero funny.”

3) Stop laughing.

2 - Stud Finder.

For some reason, two hundred years later, when using a stud-finding device to locate a 2 x 4 in a wall, people still play the obvious “let’s see if we can find another stud around here besides me” line.

I have been dodging any and all light carpentry work situations and home improvement tv shows for the past 12 years in order to avoid this “joke.”

It is not funny, and everyone around you resents you for forcing them to muster a fake laugh when you drop this bomb. With any luck, those of you that read this will stop faking it and start giving these people the blank/bored/”really?” stare that they deserve. I mean, either that or just go ahead and punch them straight in the grill. In this situation, either option is acceptable.

3 - Closet Space.

There was a time before the sub-prime meltdown that I gave serious thought to becoming a real-estate agent. I decided against it solely because I knew I could not deal with showing heterosexual couples the closets in the master bedrooms, saying “As you can see, it’s a MONSTEROUSLY huge closet” and then having to handle hearing the guys say “Yeah, I might even be able to fit some of MY clothes in there (nervous laugh, nervous laugh, nervous laugh).”

I know me. And I know that if I put myself in this position, every guy that spoke these words would get slapped like a bitch (and I don’t see that helping me make any sales).

One day, I hope to purchase some property in another country. Given this, I DVR “House Hunters International” in an effort to keep current on real-estate around the globe. But, between this and #2, I may have to give up HGTV altogether.

Freaking “A”.

4 - The Osmonds.

Freak accidents and illnesses take thousands of unsuspecting (and suspecting) lives each year-yet somehow, after 95 years, both Donny and Marie Osmond are, as of yet, unscathed.

Inexplicably, these two are in their 90’s, healthier than your great-grandparents, still employed and still annoying everyone on a daily basis.

It is looking like there is no hope for disease, so please join me by crossing your fingers for a freak accident.

You’re welcome,

-Todd