Online Dating.

One of my best friends has been begging me (literally, begging) for four years to let her sign me up for online dating.  Each time, after I finish shaking her vigorously, I explain to her (yet again) that I am not interested.  Even though I have explained my reasons why to her numerous times, she asks me why each time anyway.

Here’s why.

Before we get started here, I want to say that I still feel like online dating has a negative stigma and I think it’s a shame.  Everyone that scoffs at people who met online (or are attempting to) need to realize that there is no shame in internet dating.  It’s for smart people who enjoy efficiency.  And, I feel like it will be how the majority of dating gets down over the next 20 years.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I would like to submit that I think online dating actually makes more sense to me than any other sort of dating.  I have a very scientific brain, so I find the idea of preemptively submitting critical search criteria very appealing.  It seems like this would solve many compatibility issues before wasting precious time and money on tricks-ass bitches that would eventually complain incessantly about how I do not measure up to all of the boxes on their extensive “Perfect Guy” checklists.

But, there are problems.  Problems with me, problems with others and problems with the online dating system.

First, I do not even desire a girlfriend.  I’m not a “Himbo,” it’s just that I have no real interest in being in a relationship at this stage of my life.  I have plenty of friends to take to movies and dinners.  There would be advantages (like not being automatically relegated to the couch when me and all of my married siblings return home for the holidays), but presently the thought of any and all advantages does not seem to outweigh how much I cherish the freedom to go anywhere and do anything with anyone at any time. 

For this whole idea to work I would need some sort of uber-exclusive “Why Are You Still Single?” dating site where the only people that are allowed to enroll are all attractive, educated, sweet, kind, friendly, emotionally-balanced, fun women whose friends have no idea how they could possibly still be single.  The only thing I have seen close to this is that TV show where millionaires pay a service to be set up with young bimbos.  I am not wealthy, and I do not seek a cliché piece of arm candy (I still have some hair on my head).

Second, I have no interest in paying for the service.  Why would I pay a service to find me a girlfriend when I am indifferent about girlfriends?  It seriously gets expensive.  Dating a girl is usually costly for the first couple of months because you are always going out to spend time together-since meeting up at someone’s apartment to watch movies in your sweatpants is a somewhat uncomfortable thought for two people whom have only recently met.  It takes a month or two of dating before you can begin with the honest portion of the relationship and tell a girl that you need to curb your spending because you have dreams of someday purchasing a house (in Los Angeles, for that matter).  Now, if I was paying for the internet service and consequently taking SEVERAL women on two months worth of first dates apiece, that would be astronomically expensive.  Financially, I just can’t make the numbers work.  Blame Microsoft Excel.

My chick friend that wants to sign me up for this stuff always tells me that she will “handle everything.”  She is of course speaking about all of the sign-up nonsense.  Yes, I hate answering 40-page questionnaires and creating usernames and passwords more than anyone in the world, but writing is what I do.  Putting together a funny bio page about myself would be the most enjoyable aspect of the entire online dating experience.  So, since I sincerely doubt that I will ever be dating online anytime soon, I figured I would show everyone what my bio page would look like if I were to ever get involved.

Screen Name:  GayForClooney8592.

Quote:  “Life’s a dance; you learn as you go…”

 (Cheesy Country music quote that makes me seem wholesome.  All the while, I yearn to keep shit thorough with a gutter-ass quote from Tupac, or something trashy about “feeling yummy head to toe” from Gwen Stefani)

Sex:  Male.

Ethnicity:  Caucasian.

Age:  28

Location:  North Hollywood, CA

Height:  6’1”

Weight: 155 lbs.

Body Type:  Slim.  Some might call me “Skinny.”  I lean more toward “Athletic” or “Marathoner.”  Fine, I look like Lance Armstrong.  There, I said it.  Either way, I’m sexy.  Dead.

Hair:  Blondish.

Eyes:  Brown.

Relationship Status:  Single.

Seeking:  Females 25-35.

Marital Background:  Not a chance in shit.

Have Kids:  Should not be allowed in public until they are 12.  And even then, if they start acting crazy people who are not their parents should be able to strike them in their respective windpipes.

Want Kids:  Just practicing.  I need reps.

Religion:  Football.

Smoke:  That’s a deal-breaker.

Drink:  Like it’s for a grade.  Belvedere on the rocks, no straw, no fruit wedge.  Keep them coming every seven minutes until I pass out…then every 10 minutes after that.

About me:  I’m a manic-depressive with an on-again, off-again Mt. Dew addiction.  So, occasionally you’ll have the pleasure of seeing me on a manically-depressed sugar-high---which is, if nothing else, an entertaining train wreck that is difficult to look away from.

And those are the good days.

 It’s the days when I’m off Mt. Dew and having manic-depressive sugar-deprivation come down symptoms that things really get dicey.

I am kind of a romantic though, I suppose.  I guess the best way to describe me would be “Ro-manic-depressive.”

I do adventurous things from time to time (hiking, kayaking, Buffalo Wild Wings), but let’s be real---most of my time is spent in my apartment trying to convince myself to get out of bed.   And on those rare occasions that I make it out of bed, I spend nearly all of my time listening to records.  All day.  And night.  And often times into the next morning.

As you might guess, I am an on-again, off-again DJ.  I thought I would throw that in here because women seem to find it attractive for some reason.  The upside is I could fill 2,000 of your iPods with hotness (maybe the one selling point in this article).

If you couldn’t tell, I need alone time.  A lot of it.  I am socially bi-polar.  Sometimes I am the life of the party that pops “shamp,” dances his balls off, tells jokes and makes everyone laugh-and sometimes I sit alone in my dimly lit apartment and stare at the wall.

What really bothers me about dating is that I hate acting proper so women will find me suitable.  I mean, yes, I respect you, but why act like I’m not mostly just interested in finding a reliable dinner date and steady, disease-free sex?  A couple of years ago, I gave up acting the way I know girls want me to on dates.  These days, I keeps it f-cking really real---so as to NOT waste each other’s time.  I have to think that women would appreciate that more than someone who is being disingenuous.

My ideal first date would be wearing a sweatsuit to a quiet wine bar where the two or three (heh, heh) of us could talk quietly and hopefully enjoy a Jazz or Soul soundtrack (that would eventually turn Hip-Hop and evolve into Dubstep and then finally, Electro).  I would attempt to be funny and it would work.  At the end, we would split the check right down the middle (or three ways) and she (they) would be okay with it.  Not just say she (they) was (were) okay with it, but would actually be okay with it.  I hate when women make an offer just to test us so they appear to be kind, then proceed to go home and complain to their friends about how a guy actually allowed them to pay for their halves.  My time and company are worth just as much as any woman’s.  If you want to date this (and I’m certain you do not), bring your debit card. 

I don’t pay for dates.  Ever.

Check that, I do pay for dates---my half.

It is important that women know that they are not so special that they deserve to have their every want paid for.  It seems arrogant to me that any person would think a total stranger should pay for every penny of every activity during a date (or an entire relationship for that matter).  Further, it makes me feel like I’m hiring a prostitute when I rent a lady for an evening.  I will never again put a girl on scholarship.  Ever.  How else would I know that she didn’t just agree to see me every weekend for some free food and alcohol?  If you really enjoy my company, you won’t have any problem paying your way.

Marriage is the same as dating to me.  Breaking up is the same thing to me as getting divorced.  Feelings are more real to me than binding social contracts, so I do need any paperwork to tell me how I feel about someone. 

I will never marry, but I would like to eventually have one person to spend the majority of my time with (for however long that may be).  Not because I want to grow old with someone or any of the other clichés, but mostly because I get tired of telling new girls the same information about me-only to break things off a few weeks later and repeat myself yet again to the next one (this is where my online dating profile could really do some of the initial heavy lifting for me). 

I probably won’t commit to you.  I’m not a cheater or a herder, I simply cherish my freedom.  And also, I’m a realist-and we all know that we eventually run out of things to say to people we are dating, so I have no delusions about finding someone eternally engaging.  I do hate working, so I suppose I might marry for money.  Truthfully, I would give careful consideration to even marrying an ugly bitch that was turbo-annoying if her family was wealthy to the point that the marriage meant I could retire effective immediately.  I most certainly subscribe to the idea of money buying happiness.  Well, mine at least.

If I had my pick of all of the women in the world, I’m not sure I wouldn’t pass on them all and just chill by myself.  I’m not going to be easy to wrangle into a relationship.

Looking for:  A lady.  Average looking.  Sweet.  Not just sweet, but the sweetest.  I just like sweet girls that want to be agreeable, have fun and laugh a lot.  I hate bitchy bitches with “Pretty Girl Attitudes” who think they can act stupid and be inconsiderate of other people’s feelings just because they are used to getting a free pass due to their looks.  And, I cannot handle women who thrive on controversy and try to turn everything into a fight.  The high highs and low lows those women bring are too exhausting for me to keep up with.  I suppose, if she did not have a pretty girl attitude, that I might entertain the possibility of dating a gorgeous woman, I just really wouldn’t prefer it. 

If you tell people that you are “dating,” but are actually interviewing every guy you meet for the position of “Husband” please do not contact me.  You bitches scare me.

[SIDEBAR:  I don’t know what ever happened to dating.  Why is it always about finding someone to spend eternity with?  I don’t ever want to get married, but I still like having dinner and intelligent conversations with interesting people.  I can’t be the only one that feels this way.]

I put up with absolutely zero bullshit. 

Show me jealously and I will show you one choice finger-and then turn said finger sideways to point you in the direction of the exit. 

Exhibit drama and I will crank The Heisman in your collarbone region.

As you can plainly see, any and all candidates need to be secure and “Diet Drama.” 

Oh, and I want my concubine to be funny.  She doesn’t have to be “stand-up comedian” funny, but someone who gets the funny in every situation and likes to laugh.  I need her to understand my dry, sarcastic, oft-hateful humor.  I would even be open to the idea of her piggy-backing off of my comedy and adding to it in a sort of tandem attack.  That being said, I will not be overshadowed.  I’m the funny guy.  It’s my thing.  It’s really all I have.  I would need to be Michael Jackson, while she would ideally be Tito (or even Marlon).

After reading all of that which appears above-you might find it impossible to believe that I’m confident nearly anyone who has ever met me would most likely co-sign me as a “good guy.”  Or, that I constantly get the “I can’t believe you’re still single” speech from my bitch friends.  Or, that I’m actually average-looking.  It’s interesting, really.

If for some sick, twisted reason you find enough of the above appealing to the point that you are interested in what will most likely be a failed attempt at a first date, feel free to email me at WordsByTodd@Gmail.com.  Maybe this way we can circumvent the online dating system entirely and spend that money on a date.

Okay E-Harmony, let’s see you find a match for that.

Seriously, I dare you bitches to date this.

You’re welcome,

-The Todd

[Editor’s Note:  In doing research for the layout of this article, I logged onto Match.com to see how to construct an online dating profile.  The first profile I clicked on was of a P.Y.T. in Sherman Oaks, CA with the screen name “Fashionista8592.”  Ironically, I read her profile and really wanted to take her out on a date.  Very random.  And it feels like it has the makings of a screenplay.  Fashionista8592, if you are reading this, hit me on the hip.]