Why Must We Always Drink?

 

I’m not a big drinker.  At the same time, there are occasions when I do get busy.

Lately, I seem to be having trouble understanding why, after we turn 21, every function we attend seems to be fundamentally based on consuming alcohol (more often than not, excessively).

I don’t want it to get confused---I DO PARTY. 

I’m not the conservative guy who never touches the sauce and looks down on people who do.  For instance, as I am writing this l have three full bottles of vodka in my freezer (no roommates; no girlfriend; I never have people over).  Further, last Saturday night was my friend’s birthday.   I wore a cowboy hat out for no reason at all (other than simply to party as my alter ego, “Toddy Chesney”), took nine shots of vodka at the bar, told jokes all night, laughed endlessly, had to be taxied to a Denny’s for late night cuisine with the birthday girl, crushed an entire appetizer sampler, noticed a gorgeous Spanish girl at the table next to us, paid the bill, and on my way out of the restaurant I walked up to the beautiful Spanish girl’s table and delivered a very embarrassing speech about wanting to take her out on a date in front of nine people.  And Sunday morning, I woke up still a bit pissed. 

[SIDEBAR:   I just remembered that after my vodker shots I capped my night off by ordering a can of TaB and toting it around the bar as a joke.  No one laughed.

 (yes, somehow the bar had cans of TaB on chill).]

So as you can see, I truly do get after it on occasion (about four times a year).

Sometimes, I go straight up “Lindsay Lohan” in the club (about once a year).

But lately, I have been questioning why every event I attend is booze-centric.

I don’t mind a cocktail here and there, but why do we ALWAYS have to drink to tolerate hanging out with other people---especially when the “other people” are our friends?

People are always saying that they “don’t need to drink to have fun.”  If so, why do those same people seem to be drinking at 100% of the parties we mutually attend?

Again, why after we turn 21 does getting wasted seem to be the theme of every single get-together?

Do we all hate our lives so much that we have to get hyper-trashed for the pure escape of it?  Do we become socially inept in our older age?  At what point did drinking to have a good time become drinking to simply coexist with others?  Does asking all of these rhetorical questions make me seem too “Carrie Bradshaw?”

Think about it, have you ever in your life attended a party (thrown by people who actually DO drink) where no one broke out some sort of drank?

 Could you do it?

Would you do it?

Would you attend a party this weekend at a friend’s house if you knew ahead of time that there would be zero hooch?  If so, would you stay longer than 45 minutes?

It’s bizarre to me that we somehow lose the ability to soberly talk, laugh and have fun with other people after we turn 21.  Well, maybe we don’t lose it, we just never go back to trying it because everywhere we go alcohol just always seems to be near (like TMZ).

One of the best birthdays I ever had was when a friend of mine from out of town came to visit.  We went downtown to a decadent Italian restaurant and then to a club to see one of our favorite DJs.  Neither of us had a drink the entire night and yet massive amounts of fun were had.  The next day, we both remembered how delicious the food was, every song the DJ played, every joke each of us told, and how/why/where each picture was taken.  It was a legendary night out---and we were both stone sober.

I feel like no one wants to be sober anymore-and this idea makes a part of me really sad.

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Another thing that interests me is how so many people seem to associate having fun with getting belligerent-and ONLY with getting belligerent.   When friends visit us from out of town, we too often seem to mark those occasions with binge drinking-as if there is some sort of correlation between the amount of alcohol your group consumes and the amount you care for each other.  I on the other hand, view this type of behavior as somewhat insulting. 

If you really enjoyed someone’s company, I would think you could stay completely sober with them and remain entertained throughout.  Is this not what true friends are?  When I meet up with people I rarely get to see, I want to be sober so we can talk and listen and remember everything the next day.

Getting super “Hazeyville” is for those nights when you get set up on a blind double date and your date is a train wreck.  I have trouble seeing why people treat those dreadful instances with the same behavior as when best friends visit or turn a year older.

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One last thing:  Can we all agree to stop drinking too much? 

If you are 28 years old, this probably means you have been drinking for anywhere between seven and 13 years.  Can you freaking learn how alcohol affects you and adjust accordingly?  If you know you get angry and yell and kick and scream and fight when you get drunk, then maybe be a responsible adult and cut yourself off after three or four drinks---so the rest of us at your birthday party don’t have to:

1 - listen to you awkwardly curse out your friends

AND

2 - help you up every time you fall down whilst attempting to execute menial tasks (such as standing). 

I am beyond over pleading with grown-ass adults to stop drinking because everyone but them appears to know they have had too much and the Fun-O-Meter is dropping exponentially in ten-second intervals.

I am pleased to announce that I am a very fun drunk.  The only real differences are I talk a bit louder and a bit more frequently.  That’s it (I am always likely to dance, so nothing really changes on that front as my Blood Alcohol Level increases).  Unfortunately, we are not all so joyous when intoxicated.

How do you act when you are slizzard?

Do you even know?

You should, because you have been getting drunk twice a month for a decade.  If you have no idea what you are like when you are twasted then maybe you should start paying a touch more attention (now that you’re 34).

Getting super stupid and assuming a “babysitter” was kind of cute when you were 19. 

These days, I hate you. 

Have your drinks, have your fun, just be a f_cking professional and cut yourself off at the appropriate time so you don’t ruin everyone else’s night.  I don’t know why, after years of experience, people remain incapable of this.  But inevitably, someone gets “teenage drunk” and makes me feel like the adult at the Junior High dance.  Figuring your B.A.L. is simple arithmetic.  If you can count to five, you can learn to cut yourself off before you get start to get obnoxious. 

Stop with the excuses.  You’re grown as shit.

If you still claim it “must have hit me all at once,” then I want to karate chop your Adam’s Apple.

Of course it didn’t “hit you all at once.”  Alcohol has (and will always have) a cumulative effect.  We would all love to be tipsy four seconds after our first sip, but it doesn’t work that way.  Set a number and stick to it---regardless of whether or not you are feeling affected when you reach that number (I am so embarrassed to be explaining this right now).

Though I wish it were true when you say you are “never drinking again,” it’s not.  You will drink again-so spare us all the melodramatic cliches.

I work hard all week and look forward to enjoying my nights out.  If I wanted to spend that time babysitting I would have knocked up one of the skanks I used to court.  Stop making it all about you.  Instead of thinking about how drunk you are going to get this weekend, maybe think about making a conscious effort not to ruin your friend’s R&R time with your Sorority Girl/Frat Guy agenda.

I just want people to be honest with me from now on.  If it’s what you plan to do, then explain verbatim in your call/text/Evite that you are trying to get a group of people together Saturday night to watch you “go out, get blackout drunk, start a fight with one or more of your friends (and possibly a group of strangers), fall down, scrape your knee(s), ruin your outfit, cry, lose your camera, make out with someone you should not (and consequently forever ruin the social dynamic of your workplace, our group of friends or both), forget to pay your tab, leave your credit card at the bar, scream about losing your cell phone for a hour when it is in your purse (or pocket) the whole time, get us all thrown out of the bar, attract the attention of the police, puke, cry again, and have a hangover for nearly two days that I will have to listen to you complain about incessantly.  See, if you would do this I would know where your head was at in advance-and then be able to make a fully-informed decision about whether or not to attend the catastrophe.

[SIDEBAR:  I have always associated cameras with females.  It was only recently that I realized I make this association because most females I know seem to go dumb super early-and count on the photographic evidence to piece together the previous night (A la “The Hangover”).]

You know those times when your friends decide to stay in rather than meet the rest of the group out and you text them back something to the effect that they are being “lame?”  Right.  It’s not that your friends are lame, it’s just that they want to enjoy their relaxation time and they know that when they hang out with amateurs like you, things go straight to shit.  They know they’ll end up babysitting without the $10/hour to show for it at the end of the night.

Drinking is for adults.  It’s time for you children to either grow up or surrender your red cups.

Oh, and I hate all of you.

Uggghhh…I need a drink,

-The Todd

[Editor’s note:  Speaking of excessive drinking (and promoting ahead here), I will be back in Las Vegas March 25-28^th for my brother’s 21^st birthday extravaganza (i.e. “Vegas, Pt. 3”).  Those of you familiar with this blog know what this means.  Stay tuned.]