Carpet is not awesome.

Sooooo, I watch a lot of HGTV. Stop judging me. You don’t like that I watch HGTV and I don’t like your PT Cruiser. Let’s call it even. I don’t know why but something about watching all of those people find mold in their homes makes me happy to be living in an apartment where I am not responsible for repairing anything. And one more thing, new landscaping looks dope in HD…check up on that.

Every show on the HGTV network has something to do with selling houses, buying houses or remodeling old houses. Since I see every single show the network has to offer while nursing one hangover or another, I am pretty familiar with the goings on over at HGTV. The one main thing that seems to stick out to me is that all of the really old houses have hardwood floors and all of the new houses have hardwood floors. Somewhere in between the two, carpet came onto the scene and it appears no one ever stopped to question anyone as to why. You have got to be shagging me.

Back in the day, folks did not have all of the simple luxuries that we have today, so I figure they kept a lot of things (like flooring) basic for a reason. Stanley Steemer was not invented until 1968 (I just made that up), so I imagine the generations that came before mine figured out that keeping the floors wooden made keeping things clean a lot less work. I am not exactly suggesting the conspiracy theory that carpet was the brainchild of Mr. Stan Steemer and Mr. Carpet, but I am yet to be subjected to any facts that suggest otherwise.

Every time a couple on HGTV walks into a really old home, it is inevitable that the first thing out of the couple’s mouth (since HGTV suggests---not so subtly---that single people apparently do not buy homes…ever) is how beautiful the old wooden floors are. The same happens when people walk into newly-built homes and see those shining planks of oak. I am yet to see a House Hunter stroll into a 20-year old home and say “Wow, I love the look of that old, stained, moldy, yellow…I mean, white carpet.” Which brings me to this: what exactly is the upside of carpet? Is it that it has the amazing ability to retain stains and odors, but none of its color? That it is impossible to clean? That it looks fuzzy and goofy? That it looks like a Spring Break hotel room after 3 weeks of constant abuse? That it hides lovely things like staples and splinters so you keep cutting chunks out of your feet and never end up finding that needle/staple/splinter in that haystack that is your carpet? That it DOES NOT up the resale value of your home? That when people track water in during rainy and snowy weather that you step in it because you were unable to see it---then had to change your socks because the wet spots on your socks were irritating? That every square inch of carpet-covered flooring in your house holds onto every piece of pet hair and pet odor that Fido releases? The cons go on and on. The pros do not exist. Where in the hell did carpet come from? Who approved this? I am so angry!

My research (based on every young homeowner I know and all of the great folks buying/building houses on HGTV) points to the idea that carpet is on its way out. I see it like this-our kids are going to be grossed out by the idea of carpet like those of us who are familiar with carpet are by the 70’s shag version of it. Let’s face it, carpet is just one big community of dust mites, dead skin cells and pizza sauce stains. If you wear your shoes in your house, I don’t even really want to talk about what else lives in your carpet (ever used a public restroom or stepped in dog poop with your shoes on? Think about that). Wouldn’t it be great to be able to wipe down and disinfect your floors rather than roll around and take naps face down in those stains for the next 10 years? Exactly.

I am currently coming to the end of my 12-month apartment lease. The people that manage the property are very nice and have been very accommodating in the negotiations of our new lease agreement. The manager told me that sometimes they will do some painting or replace carpet for good tenants who renew leases. I explained that we wanted hardwood flooring in our apartment. Everyone laughed. I did not. It would not cost that much more to buy and install and it would last years longer than that cheap-ass carpet that every apartment complex uses. Then, every prospective tenant that tours the complex in the future would immediately be drawn to the wood floors since they look drastically more distinguished than that standard beige apartment carpet that they have seen everywhere else.

Everyone wins when carpet is eliminated.

The color of wood never goes out of style. Neither does cleanliness. The same goes double for increased resale value. Get your new hardwood floors installed this weekend (or GO GREEN with the Bamboo version). And no, I do not have family, friend or investment ties to anyone in the Hardwood Flooring industry. Crap, go wall-to-wall linoleum if you want, just get rid of your nasty carpet.


You’re welcome.


-The Todd