Hate marriage, love weddings.

Strange title, huh? It’s sort of hard to explain. Well, actually, it’s easy to explain, but it may be hard for some people to comprehend. You see, I think marriage is unrealistic and very outdated for today’s society (and by “today’s society,” I mean “me”). The reasons for which I find marriage to be unrealistic are too numerous to list and probably a separate column entirely. That being said, I LOVE WEDDINGS!

For some reason, weddings are one of only two events that people have enough respect for to sacrifice one (or eight) of their beautiful summer weekends. Funerals are the other event people will put their lives on hold for, but they pale in comparison to weddings because you don’t typically have music or vodka at a funeral (until I change the game with mine). Anyway, these two occasions are the only times when all of my friends actually get together at the same place and time. Don’t believe me? All of my guy friends (5 out of 7) backed out of a “Guys Only” trip to VEGAS last year, but we are all scheduled to appear at a friend’s wedding next summer (and you know all 7 of us will be there). This makes no sense to me, but it is what it is. Weddings only last until the nearly inevitable divorce. Memories from a "Guys Only" trip to VEGAS last forever.

So, maybe I don't actually like weddings; I just like hanging out with my friends-and weddings are the only times all of my friends get together simultaneously.

(TANGENT: If everyone shows up for a funeral, it seems everyone would also show up when and if that same person brought a child into the world but this never seems to be the case. Why is attendance so low when people are having children, but so high when people die? That seems backwards to me. Moreover, attendance at births and deaths should both rate above weddings. Life and death seem a little (and by “a little” I mean “exponentially”) more worthy of celebration than the signing of some contract that only has a 49% chance of surviving from the jump off. Granted, hospitals are not built to accommodate enormous parties for everyone giving birth, but I think massive celebrations should ensue at reception venues after the moms and newborns have been out of the hospital for a couple of weeks. Let's get this tradition started.)

Now, back to the regularly scheduled program...

In the spirit of Wedding Season, I want to touch on a few things that I have noticed over the years that have finally become too much for me to ignore.

1) WHITE PEOPLE ARE HILARIOUS – We Caucasians can slow dance with the best of them. Granted, we are the only ones slow dancing Ballroom-style, but we get the job done regardless. However, when “Unforgettable” ends and the tempo on the dance floor cranks up past 60 Beats Per Minute, everything goes straight to hell. Inevitably, all of the white folks on the dance floor will create a large circular formation and sway back and forth while clapping and looking at one another. Then, the guy who has had one too many Jack and Tabs will jump into the middle of the circle and do something stupid, causing mass “woo-ing” from those swaying and clapping around the perimeter. I have no idea why the big circle forms, or why someone always jumps into the middle of it, but either way, at a wedding reception with more than 30 white people-these two things are as safe a bet as death and taxes; and I find them both to be absolutely hysterical.

2) THE WORM DANCE – While we are on the topic of white people dancing at weddings, I need to touch on the topic of The Worm Dance. For the uninitiated, The Worm Dance was the climax of the last wedding reception you attended, when everyone lost their mind because they thought "the worm guy" was Michael Jackson (circa 1986). Or, if I was at that same reception, The Worm Dance was what was happening just before I pulled that one guy up off of the floor, open-handedly slapped him and pulled the plug on the DJ rig, dragging the party to a screeching halt.

This Worm Dance phenomenon is the thing that prompted this blog. I honestly do not believe that anything makes me as angry as seeing this ridiculous demonstration. The funny part is that “the worm guy” is always some D-Bag that cannot dance at all. He just holds up the wall all night watching and waiting for the perfect time to unveil the stupidest thing anyone has ever seen (which he has somehow mistaken for being awesome). Then, when the time is just wrong, he will run out into the middle of everyone, lie on his chest and start spasm-ing all over the dance floor. The fact that he does it makes me livid. The fact that people cheer makes me enraged.

If you still have no idea what I am talking about, I have no choice but to refer you to this unfortunate footage:

We need to stop encouraging this Worm exhibition so it will go away. If we keep cheering, these people will keep ruining the party for their 7 seconds of douchebaggery (which some mistakenly refer to as “fame”).

From now on, I am requesting that we BOOOOOOOOOO the hell out of the next person who pulls this move out at any event. If all 200 people at the event point and Booooooo “the worm guy,” the mere shock should scar him enough to discourage him from attempting the stunt ever again.

Remember, we ALL need to BOO the next d-bag we see doing The Worm Dance. I really need your cooperation on this. Together everyone achieves more.

3) SWEET HOME ALABAMA – Staying with the wedding reception theme, there is one more matter than needs my immediate attention. NO ONE cares that the name of your city or state fits into the chorus of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama.” I have heard enough “Sweet Home INDIANA” in my lifetime that I have no choice but to put an end to it. Trust me; it is not nearly as original, creative or witty as you people seem to be leading on. This unfortunate incident has occurred at EVERY wedding I have ever attended, so the word is officially out-and the joke is officially over.

4) YOU HAVE GOT TO BE GIFTING ME – I laugh and cry simultaneously when I see people bringing gifts to the actual reception venue. Now, with the advent of the interweb, we can shop gift registries online. That very same online registry tool allows us to point, click and effortlessly mail a gift to the Bride and Groom in a matter of seconds.

Seriously people, think it through. After 1948, people stopped opening gifts at the actual reception itself. It is not a birthday party. All of the unwrapping is done weeks later after the honeymoon. Thus, any gifts brought on the day of the wedding have to be lugged in (by you, 6 blocks, in a suit, in 90 degree weather), dealt with by the wedding coordinator and then carried out by someone else at the end of the night. And then eventually taken to the Bride and Groom’s home (where you should have had it delivered in the first freaking place). Seriously, you can either pay the USPS $3.00 to do the work, or you can inconvenience yourself, the wedding coordinator, the parents of the married couple and the actual Bride and Groom. Enough is enough.

When you bring a gift to a wedding reception, a few things happen. One, you look like you have never heard of the internet. Two, the wedding coordinator secretly (or not so secretly) wants to choke you because now she has to find a place to sit your enormous Crate & Barrel box. Third, since it is so much faster and easier to order a gift online, you in-store shoppers generally get stuck choosing from those last two or three items on the registry. These items are inevitably “3-Bin Laundry Sorter” and “Giant Stainless Steel Trash Can.” When you walk in with a huge silver bullet trash can it’s always easy to tell what gift you bought, even though you did a killer wrap job on it. And yes, people are laughing and making fun of you for waiting so long and getting stuck with the trash can. Internet people, internet. Everyone will thank you.

5) WEDDING DRESS CODE – Yes, your cargo shorts are adorable and so is your Harley Davidson T-shirt. A wedding, however, is neither the time nor the place to display them. I am not saying a suit is necessarily always required, but please wear something at least business casual. Dress pants, button-up shirts TUCKED IN and shoes that would hurt your feet if you played basketball in them will work just fine. If you are physically uncomfortable in your outfit, you are probably right where you need to be.

6) MAID OF HONOR TOAST – Holy balls these are as boring and predictable as any speech ever could be. We realize you have known the Bride for a long time (especially if you are related). Mrs. Bride probably would not have picked someone she just met while getting her oil changed to occupy the MOH position (oil change friends are always ushers). Also, the Bride did not have a “different look in her eye” when you saw her for the first time after she met the guy who would later become the Groom. We know this is a lie because no one has ever had ANY type of “look in their eye.” The only thing in your eye is your eye. Period. That line is now off limits.

PLEASE keep it to just one female toast. The MOH speech is boring enough. Even the friends and family of the girl giving the MOH toast can’t wait until it ends so the funny speech (Best Man) can finally begin.

You girls should be ashamed of yourselves. The Best Men have been embarrassing you for decades. You have ALL been officially called out. Step your respective freaking games up.

7) WEDDING DJs ARE HORRID – Just because everyone else hires some old, bald goofball with a rented tuxedo that looks like he is channeling Steve Martin in “Father of the Bride” does not mean you have to follow suit (pun intended).

And, the thing that kills me is how much people overpay for these cheese balls. Any moron can dress poorly and play “Celebration,” “We Are Family” and “The Cha Cha Slide.” How many of these old geezers do you see DJing in actual nightclubs where you are required to have actual Djing skills? Zero. Precisely my point. So, why would you hire someone’s Grandfather to rock a reception of 20 and 30 year olds? You’ll be lucky if he stays awake the whole time.

I demand that we all start demanding more from the wedding DJs. I suggest hiring the young, fun people at www.TenaciousDJs.com. I know the owner quite well. They do great work. You and your guests will thank me later.

You’re welcome.

-The Todd