Right Back Where We Started From.

 

A few years ago, I heard what I thought was a bizarre story about a football player who drank human breast milk ever day.  He explained that it was beneficial to his body because it contained numerous fatty acids and whatnots that proved to be great supplements to his diet and strength training.  Together, the combination helped keep his body where it needed to be to take the physical beating given to an NFL running back. 

Are you disgusted?  Of course you are, but only because this idea is not yet the norm.  Just because something is NOT traditional does NOT mean that it is wrong.  Moreover, just because something IS traditionally done DOES NOT mean it is right. 

Here I go again, questioning conventional wisdom.

It’s weird to imagine a grown man slurping human hooter juice like a 3-month old, but when you really stop and think about it, why is it so strange?

First, we drink the stuff as children anyway. 

Second, human milk does not need to be Pasteurized like the livestock version that most of the world uses. 

Third, it is better for you. 

Nineteenth, it’s not from freaking livestock.

Lately, I have been passing this idea around to a few of my friends (okay, both of my friends) and it has been met with the usual resistance.  It is absolutely hilarious to me that people scoff at the idea of consuming human breast milk as adults.  Meanwhile, those very same scoffers drink cups full of fluid squeezed from an ugly, smelly, grass-grazing beast that someone arbitrarily chose as our milk source decades ago.

So, why a cow? 

What is so appetizing about siphoning solution from the veiny flesh bag that hangs from a grazing beast-which lies in its own waste and lets fruit flies eats its nose? 

    

If I told you I drink monkey milk (if one could actually milk a monkey), you would probably grimace and then go on to explain how peculiar drinking milk from a strange animal seems to you.  Would it really be any more disgusting than chugging cow sauce? 

Again, why cows?  Who chose this?  Who approved it?  I was not involved in this decision making process, so I do not accept it. 

When I speak to people about this new idea, I think they are put off by it mostly because it makes them think of chugging from their mom’s boobs.  Now, I am not suggesting that we all go back to the source where we each got our breast milk in our younger days, or that we go about receiving a serving the same way we did as infants.  I think people would have issues with the winner of the Indianapolis 500 jumping out of his car and taking a huge pull from his mom’s left breast, but I think there is something to this whole “human milk source” idea. 

Granted, the idea of women milking themselves into a jar so it could be packaged with a “Toddy Farms” sticker and placed in the dairy aisle at your local grocery would be somewhat strange initially; but I think if the money was right, women would oblige (goodbye unemployment rate). 

I already see this becoming the new Hollywood/Whole Foods grocery store craze.  I might just go ahead and open the country’s first woman milking operation.  Lord knows I have the experience in my background (Midwestern guy with a respectable batting average-and whose grandfather raised cows).

To be honest, it wouldn’t take much to get this idea implemented.  I mean, some women already refer to each other as “heifer” and “cow” anyway.  It makes so much sense now. 

Currently, we break milk types down into classes by way of fat content.  With human milk, we would need to do something similar. 

You might have guessed-I came up with a little something.

Below, you will find the updated nomenclature and conversion chart for my proposed move to human milk.    

Fat Free = Jessica Alba

Low Fat = Angelina Jolie

2% = Tyra Banks

Vitamin D = Beyonce

(Bitch milk is probably sounding a little more appetizing after reading those names, isn’t it?  It’s all about marketing, people.  And it just so happens that I am a marketing genius.  I mean, can you imagine the packaging possibilities?  And to think, they have been using a boring carton this whole time.)

Now that I am thinking about it, Louie Pasteur (who invented the process of “Pasteurization,” which is heating milk to reduce the number of its harmful micro-organisms-making it less likely to cause disease in the humans who drink it) was in one of my History books in elementary school.  We actually spent part of a school day talking about him.  My teacher spoke about Mr. Pasteur like some great American hero. 

F that. 

I think “Sweet Lou” was a coked out of his gourd (Cows?  Really, Lou?).

I want to be celebrated in classrooms nationwide.  Teachers should brainwash elementary school students with propaganda about how I am a visionary.  I know I deserve it more than Louie Pasteur. 

I am seriously jacked about this idea.  I plan to commence job shadowing Lactation nurses at local hospitals in order to advance my research.  Hey, somebody has to do the due diligence.  How else will we find the answers?  Edison goofed off in his garage with copper filament and I will be at local hospitals juggling bosom.  It’s all science.

I know this whole thing sounds crazy at this stage, but that is just because it is not the norm yet (imagine how crazy it sounded when Louis Pasteur first asked people if they would drink cow squirt).  In 50 years, they will be talking about how I was the visionary at the forefront of all of this.    

I feel like this idea is going to win me yet another Nobel Peace Prize (the other being for my Vasectomy piece).  At the very least, I know I am getting PETA’s vote. Geez, that’s two NPP’s that I should have coming my way now.  When the first one arrives, I am going to celebrate with a nice tall glass of woman.

Honestly, wouldn’t you rather pour some Jessica Alba into your morning cereal?

I know.

You’re welcome people.

-Todd (AKA “The Milk Man”)

[Scoring opportunity:  I am not stoked about the term “wilk,” so I need some name ideas for this product.  The same goes double for “Todd-steurization” (the term for the act of milking a woman and processing said milk for commercial consumption).  If you have any ideas for either, post up.]