Over (10-26-08)

The following things are over, done with, finished, Hasselhoff. So, if any of the following happen to apply to you, please understand that you need to immediately check yourself.

1 – Juggling. I am told that juggling was widely considered to be interesting generations ago. For obvious reasons, I am unable to comprehend this, but whatever. Though I desperately want to, I cannot accurately comment on trends that originated before my birth. What I can do is comment on today, and today, juggling is cheesy. Like, “Macarena” cheesy. Work with me people.

2 – Ed Hardy. Ed Hardy is the new Von Dutch. Would you be caught wearing one of your 55 Von Dutch hats these days? Precisely. This is how ridiculous Ed Hardy is going to seem in about eight months (or now, depending on which blog you are reading). I know that this is going to be hard to swallow for those of you with those awesome hoodies with the bedazzled tigers on the back (insert patronizing “tiger” sfx here), but it is what it is.

In an effort to avoid hours of deleting all of your MySpace and Facebook photos where you were caught modeling your own personal 2007 Ed Hardy collection, you should probably just make the necessary “Space” and “Face” updates now and burn any and all of your EH paraphernalia.

3 – David Hasselhoff. Apparently, there was a time when David Hasselhoff was some sort of celebrity (again, I am told this). Years later, after his inevitable fall from the heights of mediocrity, it would become fashionable to make fun of this goofy bastard for his desperate attempts to cling to his past pseudo-celebrity status. Even with the advent of slightly amusing nicknames such as “’Hoff” used for poking fun at this German freak, two decades worth of using Mr. Hasselhoff as a punch line has worn terribly thin. It is not even funny to say his name to be ironic about people who still use his name to be ironic anymore. Seriously, nothing more. Ever.

4 – Beatboxing. When I see/hear people attempting to “make Rap beats” with their voices, I have to shut my eyes and plug my ears. For some reason, I am overcome with embarrassment for the people doing the beatboxing and have to throw an autistic fit to remove myself from the situation (since beaming myself to another geographical location is not yet a possibility).

I hate beatboxing with every fiber of my being. That said, I understand it. I realize that the technology we have today did not always exist, and that back in the day when people wanted to “spit hot fire” during a “Rap battle” in The Bronx, folks would either have to drag a table, a record player, a DJ mixer, some records, a pair of speakers and a power source out into the middle of a neighborhood park, or save two hours and just do it with their voices.

Now, we no longer need beatboxing. If someone really needs to start rapping out of nowhere, someone can just pull out their laptop or iPod and cue up and instrumental. Yet, there are people everywhere that are under the unfortunate impression that it is still okay to beatbox. The information these beatboxers are receiving is incorrect.

I was scared when I saw Justin Timberlake’s attempts to make beatboxing “hot” again when he pulled it out a few times on his last album and world tour. I only heard the first few notes at his concert before I went “Hellen Keller,” but I heard enough to know that Justin is just as bad as the rest. Maybe he is not all that bad, it is just that it is impossible to sound “cool” or “good” when doing something as ridiculous as beatboxing.

I am asking that we all just let this burn. It is over.

5 – Saying “Oooooooh” when you are in an establishment and the staff at that establishment decides to dim the lights.

I believe I first began noticing kids doing this when I went to my first school dance in 5^th grade. Instantly, I was bothered by this phenomenon, but I took comfort in the thought that this stupid practice must certainly be confined to awkward Midwestern pre-teens that could not figure out how to dance on beat to “Hip-Hop Hooray.” Much to my dismay, I am 16 years removed from 5^th grade, living in Los Angeles California and continuing to run into grown-ass people who are still committing this heinous social offense.

This past Saturday night, after batting 1-for-3 with two errors at a Hollywood nightclub, I hit up nearby Café 101 with my downtrodden wingman for a full recap of the night’s events. Shortly after ordering our provisions, the restaurant staff decided to dim the lights and, as if scripted, 15 or so patrons simultaneously yelled “Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh” as if the dimming of the lights was some sort of cue from Café 101’s staff to ignite a cafe-wide orgy. It wasn’t funny, so I didn’t laugh. It was tragic, so I did drop and my head and shake it in total disgust.

What is this seriously about? I guess this behavior perpetuates because no one is ever told they need to stop. Luckily, this is exactly the type of reason for which I created this blog. Right here, right now, I am documenting that this unfortunate behavior needs to end. Shut it down.

You’re welcome.

-Todd

Todd’s Power Index 25 (TPI-25)

I am a College Football fanatic. For my religiously devoted readers (big shout to both of you) this is not news. For the uninitiated, it is highly important that you comprehend this obsession of mine for a couple of reasons. This first reason is I want readers to really understand who I am. The second reason is because College Football was the inspiration for this blog entry.

Whilst watching my customary nine football games (and one baseball game) this past Saturday morning, afternoon and evening, I got caught up in the College Football rankings. Usually, I do not pay any attention to the rankings, but numerous highly-ranked teams have lost games in the past couple of weeks, so I began pontificating what this weekend’s action would leave the polls looking like.

Now, the reason I generally ignore the College Football rankings is because they are compiled by a few smart people…and a lot of morons. And, as we all know, too many morons mixed into your experiment can really skew the results of your research. In addition, the ranking of the teams at the bottom of the College Football Top 25 means very little to anyone. In College Football, you need to end the season ranked in the top eight to matter. The teams that end up outside of the top eight are left to sort out which meaningless bowl game in which awful destination they will be playing in (while no one watches) come December. Thus, the teams ranked 15-25 all season long are basically there so alums from those schools will have a bounce in their step on Mondays at the office when they get to bore co-workers with talk about how their school is ranked in the Top 25 for the first time in 400 years (I’m talking to YOU Ball State fans. Congratulations BSU, you are going to Albuquerque to play in The No One Cares Bowl this year, instead of the usual trip to North Dakota to get waxed by Southwest Missouri State in the I Thought We Packaged The Dakotas With Montana And Gave It All To Canada In Exchange For Absolutely Nothing Bowl).

I was on the phone this weekend discussing these exact matters with a close friend of mine and it became QUITE clear that I needed to officially launch my very own Top 25. But, since no one really cares about half of the College Football teams in the CFB Top 25, I decided to sprinkle NON-football-related things into my Power Index. The world needs a comprehensive list of teams (and other items) that are really worth the recognition that comes with being nationally ranked.

Yes, I realize that there is absolutely zero correlation between any of the things that made the list which are NOT College Football teams. Moreover, I understand that it is really hard to figure out how each item achieved its ranking. All I can do is assure you all that I gave this a lot of thought and everything is accurate (at time of post).

Alright, let’s go right in…

1 – Florida

2 – USC

3 – Jay-Z

4 – Texas

5 – Tina Fey

6 – Georgia

7 – Alabama

8 – T.I.

9 – Gossip Girl

10 – Oklahoma

11 – Jessica Alba

12 – Tampa Bay Rays

13 – Jessica Alba

14 – Pray For Hotness

15 – IKEA

16 – T.I. – Live Your Life (Feat. Rihanna)

17 – Penn State

18 – Kid Cudi – Day ‘N’ Nite (Crookers Remix)

19 – Audi S8

20 – Ernie Gaines – Sip It (Feat. T.I.)

21 – http://wordsbytodd.blogspot.com/

22 – Lou Holtz’s lisp

23 – Releasing a song that DOES NOT have Lil Wayne on it

24 – American Apparel

25 – Ball State

Others Receiving Votes: Tenacious DJs, Texas Tech, BYU, Remixed versions of tracks off of Kanye West’s new album that are circulating the internet even though the original versions of the songs have not even been officially released yet, Utah (the football team, not the state…ever), Megan Fox, Rick Ross, DJ A-Trak, Seinfeld reruns, Boise State, Stat Quo, The Office, Will Ferrell’s Robert Goulet impression, George Clooney, Zoe Saldana, Kate Beckinsale, Zooey Deschanel, Minka Kelly, Rachel McAdams, NOT owning anything with Ed Hardy’s name on it.

1 – Florida. I realize that Florida has already lost a game, but they play in the SEC and that sort of thing happens.

The morons over at the AP Poll had the gators ranked 12^th coming into 10/11/08. Um, no. Name 11 teams that could beat UF right now. If you answered “USC” and then stalled out, you are correct.

Just because Team A loses a game does not mean that the team ranked below Team A that won their game that week deserves to jump Team A in the rankings. If I believe that Florida is better than Texas, Florida loses and Texas wins (but they didn’t play each other), I am allowed to keep Florida ranked above Texas (depending on how each team performed in their respective games). Why doesn’t this make sense to people?

2 – USC. I have never in my life seen a team go 3-deep at nearly every position on the entire squad. Sometimes I wonder if this is a gift as well as a curse. With players rotating all of the time (to keep them happy, so they don’t transfer to a school where they would get more playing time) you figure some continuity is lost, right? Anyway, they are stacked with athletes and all I want is to see them play Florida. They obviously went to sleep against Oregon State, but who wouldn’t? The word “Oregon” makes me want to take a nap…and slap Joey Harrington.

3 – Jay-Z. Ok, so this brings us to our first non-college football-related item. Be clear, Sean Carter is killing it…still. After retiring from recording, breaking up with his colleagues that helped him start Rocafella Records, selling his stakes in both Rocawear clothing and Armadale vodka and stepping down as President of Def Jam, he is STILL killing it.

Jay has jumped back into the booth, spit countless classic new verses, given us two more classic albums (with Blueprint 3 on the way), made every music act that toured last year look stupid after the numbers he and Mary J. put up together, used his success with he and Mary’s tour to ink an enormous deal with Live Nation, and he also gave his last name to Beyonce. Goodness, I just want to be his intern…and I’m a grown man.

4 – Texas. The Longhorns should really feel privileged to be ranked this high…because I hate Texas (in every sport). I am not exactly sure why I hate Texas, but it has something to do with: That dreadful burnt orange color, Coach Mack Brown’s accent, the outfits the school band wears and the fact that, of all the Texas schools, I favor A&M (Gig ‘Em Aggies!).

I just Googled and found out that my last three reasons for hating the University of Texas were not even needed because loathing a school solely based on that school's colors is 100 % permissible under the University of Tennessee Volunteer Orange Statute.

It hurts me, but I have to be real and give Texas their due. I was not all that impressed with them, even after their win over Oklahoma; but after seeing them dominate Missouri I can no longer ignore this team.

Texas’ defensive line simply took the Missouri game over. I have watched Missouri play a few games. I have seen enough to know that Missouri’s offensive line is not that bad, it’s just that Texas’ front four (and sometimes three) are that good. I do not know if anyone can block those beasts long enough to complete a pass. Things are going to get very interesting in the CFB Top 5 in the next few weeks.

5 – Tina Fey. First, she is an amazingly talented woman. Second, she has so much “funny” in her veins that I spend hours each day attempting to channel it. I do not like to admit that people are more funny than I am, but I am not at all ashamed to admit that I finish a distant 7,684th to this gorgeous treat. Third (but honestly first), I want to not-so-secretly break up Tina’s marriage and give her a second child.

SNL was funny for the first time in years when she was there. Now, “30 Rock” is the best show on television. “Mean Girls” and “Baby Mama” were both funny as balls – and she writes IT ALL. DAMN IT. I get so frustrated/excited/turned on just thinking about it.

To close, I do realize that if Tina Fey remains ranked in the top eight at the end of the College Football season she may have to play the University of Florida in The Fiesta Bowl. I am not exactly sure how that would happen, but it would probably take a lot of phone calls on my end to get it done. A very wise man once told me that “life is a negotiation.” We’ll see what happens.

6 – Georgia. This is a solid football team. They have tons of talent and an experienced signal-caller who I would feel comfortable with handling the ball for my team in any game. They are as physical a team as you will find and they beat very good teams every week in easily the best conference in CFB.

I don’t think they have the playmakers on the outside to score enough points to beat Florida or USC, but I don’t think any team really wants to see them right now. Look out for these guys.

7 – Alabama. Here we have another tough SEC team. They play tough teams week in and week out and they remain undefeated. Their schedule still reads @ Tennessee, @ LSU and home against Auburn. I personally feel that the LSU game will be tough, but that looks to be it. The only thing left for Alabama appears to be getting beaten by Florida in the SEC Championship game.

8 – T.I. I told everyone that I knew three months ago that the next 6 months would belong to T.I. The TPI-25 reflects this. T.I. comes in one above Oklahoma University because he had a stronger September.

T.I.’s new album is crazy.

“Whatever you like” is this year’s “What you know.” Game over already.

“Live your life (Feat. Rihanna)” is one of the hottest songs of the year (not the summer, the year).

Whenever “Swagger like us” comes in third on your album, you are doing several things right. This is a monster record right now (and has been for months). The only problem here is that Jay-Z stole everyone’s shine on this record (see #3!!!).

The sleeper on T.I.’s album is “Swing your rag (Feat. Swizz Beatz).” This is actually my favorite track on the album. The club appeal is bananas. It just goes so much harder than “Swagger” and the others (in my humble, elitist opinion).

9 – Gossip Girl. Let me start by saying “wow.” Anyone who has seen so much as a promo for this show knows exactly what I mean. Geez, even the radio ads for this show get me hot.

Obviously, I am embarrassed to know anything whatsoever about Gossip Girl, but at the same time, everyone (and I mean everyone) knows exactly why I watch (okaaaaay, DVR and archive).

Never in my life have I seen a cast that was stacked top-to-bottom with so many gorgeous chassis.

Another first is that GG is the only show I have ever watched where I wanted to sleep with ALL of the main characters, extras and mothers on the show. Good God, even the dudes are hot.

Everyone on GG is so Next Level Hot that a couple things happen for one magical hour every Monday night. One, you become so enamored with how yummy every last cast member is that it doesn’t make you feel bad that you are not more attractive (which is usually the case when you see beautiful people). For some reason, you just enjoy the flawlessness. Second, you have intermittent spurts where you forget your own sexual preference (wait, maybe that is just me). Third, I can’t even think anymore.

Gossip Girl comes in one slot ahead of Oklahoma this week because their cast has a lot more Tight Ends than Oklahoma. I am SO aware of how cheesy that was.

10 – Oklahoma. Solid squad. Speed everywhere. They score a ton of points and they played Texas tough. The defense looked suspect against TU (yes, that is a jab at Texas), but I think they will get things figured out. Plus, who isn’t having trouble stopping Texas from scoring right now?

The last three games of their schedule are going to be tough. And, if they make it through those games, Texas may still be undefeated and therefore representing the Big 12 South in the Big 12 Championship game. If, however, OU makes it to the Big 12 title game, they will probably be waxing the Big 12 North representative, ending the season with one loss and wondering why they still end the season ranked behind Florida and USC (two other one-loss teams).

The kids at OU may just want to shut it down already and start training for 2009.

11 - Jessica Alba. Plain and simple, she’s “Balls Hot.”

Sadly, Jessica tends to gravitate toward awful scripts for reasons that remain unclear. Eventually, these bad scripts turn into bad movies that I am incapable of forcing myself to watch. When the LEAST LAME project on your resume is in a NON-FUNNY “comedy” opposite Dane Cook’s impossibly non-funny ass, there are issues.

Jessica is not only a pretty face, but actually a decent actress (I am told). I would really like to see her do a romantic comedy that has some romance and some comedy in it – and that contains exactly zero Dane “Much Like Carson Daly, but somehow more of a tool” Cook.

I was shocked to hear about Jessica becoming pregnant last year. In my mind, I’m thinking “How could she be pregnant if we have never even met each other?” In fact, I demanded a DNA test to see if there was a chance I could have telekinetically willed myself to be the father of her child. No dice.

Maybe I would have had a shot at J.A. if my name was something more cool, like “Cash.” Thanks for nothing mom.

12 – Tampa Bay Rays. You have to give big ups to this ball club. A bunch of youngsters that have been the door mat of Major League Baseball for the last decade just knocked off the wiley veterans from Boston and made it to the World Series for the first time in the history of the organization. Everyone have been waiting on them to fold up like a card table all season…and they didn’t. Impressive stuff. I want them to win The ‘Ship.

13 - Jessica Alba. See #11. Indeed, I do realize that Jessica also made The Index at #11. One might ask why a person wouldn’t simply be ranked higher one time instead of being ranked twice in two lower slots. All I can tell you is that there is a very exact formula, I checked the numbers twice and everything is correct.

14 – Pray For Hotness. I absolutely have to give a big shout to my favorite new musical act before they officially blow up and people start telling me that they knew about them first.

PFH is a couple of college kids from Tampa Bay that are dropping the best freestyles, remixes and mixtapes on the entire interweb right now. I suggest you do yourself a favor and peruse their entire catalog. To do so, you will have to hit them on “The Space,” because they despise “The Face.”

These guys just got in their first batch of merch, so I suggest you do the right thing and cop two t-shirts (one for play, one to keep nice for church).

“PFH is blessed!”

www.myspace.com/Pray For Hotness

15 – IKEA. Yep, that IKEA. Anytime you can take your apartment from “You’re a great guy, but I think we should just be friends” to “Good morning tiger. May I borrow some sweats to throw on over my dress?” for less than $300, you have really got something.

Thanks IKEA. A lot.

16 - T.I. – Live Your Life (Feat. Rihanna). I am cognizant of the fact that this song has been out for a couple of months now, but seriously, is there any other song out there that makes you scream its chorus as loud as this one? Oh, and it must be a CURRENT record. “Don’t Stop Believin’” and “Livin’ On A Prayer” are not acceptable answers here.

17 – Penn State. These guys look really good, but they play in the weakest conference in College Football (which they can’t help). If they beat Ohio State, they will be in play for a BCS game…which they will lose by three touchdowns to a team that is way out of their league. It is what it is. Ask Ohio State, they’ll tell you.

18 - Kid Cudi – Day ‘N’ Nite (Crookers Remix). I don’t typically get too caught up in Electro music, but hole…lee…balls. This song is so hot. That fact that it came out 5 months ago and every DJ (regardless of his musical style) still plays it religiously lets you now what time it is.

“Day ‘N’ Nite” is absolutely glorious. I found this record whilst scouring the interweb for newness and I have not been able to stop playing it since. Not many songs have what it takes to stay in rotation on my iTod for five months.

Big shout to The Crookers for completely shutting down EVERYONE trying to put out a Dance or Electro remix of ANYTHING in the next 2 years. Again, glorious.

19 – Audi S8. For those who don’t know, this is a car. A really, really, really nice car. To be more specific, it is a 4-door luxury sedan with a 5.2-liter Lamborghini V10 engine that stomps out 450 horsepower. This is basically a 4-door Lamborghini.

Think about that.

If my conscience would let me buy a car that only gets 13 MPG, I would totally cop one. Well, that and I would need to come up with $115,000 that I didn’t need to immediately allocate someplace else.

I like this car because it is a monster machine and an exquisite concoction of automotive engineering. You get performance similar to what a Lambo would give you, with only a touch less stunt factor, and a lot more class.

S8’s are sexy because only a few people recognize this car when someone whips one through the city (which makes you look more “CEO” and less “desperate for attention” than say, a Hummer). It’s not often you can comfortably fit five people in a car that has 450 horsepower (try seating five in a Lambo).

For me, the S8 is the perfect modern day car. If I had one, I would definitely Fish Bowl (no window tint) so everyone would know who was behind the wheel. Now, if we could only make it 65 MPG and $16,500...

20 - Ernie Gaines – Sip It (Feat. T.I.). This is a very hot R&B ditty that is making the rounds. Do yourselves a favor and find a copy of it somewhere…anywhere. You’re welcome.

21 - http://wordsbytodd.blogspot.com/. Seriously, name a better blog. I mean, I hardly every update mine, but when I do, it’s totally worth it.

I would have loved to come in a slot or two higher, but Ernie Gaines’ single is just hotter than my blog right now, Plain and simple. In addition, I will never be coming in higher than a sexy Audi S8. Thus, the only way I can move up is to have some top ten teams lose games. Luckily, I see both of these happening in the weeks to come.

22 – Lou Holtz’s Lisp. Lou’s lisp is not as much of an impediment as one would think it would be. I mean, the man coached for three decades, won a national championship, wrote several books, and got an analyst job at ESPN. Solid resume, Lou.

His lisp is almost too funny. It sounds like he has three tongues and four rows of teeth in his mouth. Often times, I try to impersonate his luscious lisp, but sadly, the results are underwhelming.

I encourage everyone to try their proverbial hands at a “Lou Holtzzzsssszszsszssszs.”

23 - Releasing a song that DOES NOT have Lil Wayne on it. Seriously Dwayne Carter/Lil Wayne/Weezy/Weezy F. Baby/Young Money/Mr. Make It Rain…let us breathe for a second.

24 - American Apparel. Finally, a clothing store that makes plain, yet bold/colorful clothing that fits tall, slender frames and does NOT have a name plastered across the chest and back. Oh, your shirt is Ed Hardy, I couldn’t tell. Maybe if it said so somewhere on the garment...

25 – Ball State University. It is hard to tell how good these guys really are by looking at all of the JV women’s teams on their schedule, so I will just give them their shine. Hey, I grew up 30 minutes from the campus.

At first, I was sad to see BSU string together a nice season because they are the punch line to about 217 College Football jokes I like to tell each season. But, luckily, I have just swapped their name out with Indiana University (holy "worst team in the weakest conference ever," Batman).

So there it is, the first ever TPI-25. Did you seriously just read all of that? Questions? Comments? Sad there was no mention of "High School Musical?" Email me.

You’re welcome.

-Todd

The Hiatus

Sorry about the hiatus.

I have some good reasons for my absence.

First, the last two months of my life have looked like this: Indianapolis to Los Angeles for a week. Back home to Indianapolis for a week. Next up was a seven-day trip to New York. After returning home from New York, I stayed home for five days and then took a trip to Chicago for the weekend (What up DJ A-Trak!). Once I returned to Indianapolis from Chicago, I received word on the phone that I had been offered a job…in Los Angeles. So, I went to work back in Indianapolis on that next Monday and gave my two weeks notice.

For the next 14 days, I spent every waking moment procuring moving trucks, setting up California utilities, preparing to pack my life up in to boxes way too heavy to be carried by any human not taking Barry Bonds “vitamins,” and screaming “there’s never any time” like Jesse Spano during the "Caffeine Pill Freakout" episode of Saved By The Bell.

Then came the drive across the country. This Trans Am trip was quite possibly the worst week of my life (this means more when you understand that my life is like a Ben Stiller movie). If I can muster the strength to relive the trip, it may one day surface as a blog all it’s own.

After arriving in California, I spent the first week unpacking and making the expected Ikea and Target runs.

Then, two weeks at the new job.

Seriously, it has been a blur. I have had small portions of time where I have written a little, but the blog has really suffered. The good news is that going to NY and moving to Hollywood has spawned an incalculable amount of blog ideas. My blackberry’s hard drive is nearly at capacity, in large part because of my enormous “Blog Ideas” document.

I promise I will make it up to you.

You’re welcome.

-Todd AKA "Trip" AKA “Trip McNeely”

Mustangs, Camaros, and Firebirds (oh my)

I do not like generalizations. In fact, it makes me angry when someone is either ignorant or arrogant enough to believe he can say, without hesitation, that a certain group of people necessarily exhibit a specific type of behavior all of the time, without fail.

That being said, all people that drive Ford Mustangs, Chevy Camaros and Pontiac Firebirds are douchebags.

Just kidding…but seriously.

I don’t know what it is, but an inordinate amount of Mustang, Camaro and Firebird owners love to smash the gas at stoplights and screech their tires. Look, I realize that you drive a fast car---I just don’t care. You can’t legally do more than 80 MPH on any road in the United States, so no one needs to the ability to drive any faster than that. Further, how fast you accelerate rarely matters since, for the instances I am complaining about, you are in bumper-to-bumper city traffic.

Dear Mustang, Camaro, and Firebird owners:

We realize what kind of car you drive. In the event we were unsure of your specific make and model, and were unable to read the insignias on the doors and bumper, you have so kindly put an enormous logo with the name of your vehicle on the top of your windshield (M-U-S-T-A-N-G). Awesome! Thanks for clearing that up. Now, I can specify exactly what kind of car when I later joke with my friends about the douchebag I saw earlier who was driving like he was in a high school parking lot (P.S. this kind of behavior was not cool in High School either---and those kids you thought were jealous of your car were really making fun of you for acting like such a hand job).

Seriously, there is no need to stomp on the gas pedal and make your engine rev really loud. It does not make you look any more cool than you already aren’t. What it will do is waste gas, wear out your tires, and endanger innocent people. And most of all, it makes you look like a ‘bag.

If you must exhibit this kind of douchebaggery, please do it on deserted roads where no one is around. This way, the rest of us are spared the danger and burning tire smell.

If you drive one of the cars listed above, please understand that no one likes or is impressed by your “Camaro Behavior.” It is beyond time that we put this nonsense to bed.

You are all very welcome.

* In order to curb some of the hate email from this week’s entry, I want to take a preemptive stand and admit that I realize not all people that drive the three models of cars listed in this blog behave as this entry explains; it’s just that those that do not are in the minority…by a lot.


-Todd

Vasectomy: The gift that keeps NOT giving

You may or may not have heard me make mention of this in the past, but I am a self-proclaimed visionary. This entry is yet another testament to my envelope-pushing genius. Today’s lesson has to do with the lovely idea of vasectomies. PLEASE KEEP READING.

The sheer mention of the word “vasectomy” sends every man’s testicles shriveling up into his body cavity. I am here to put an end to that. In the future, I want that very same word to become synonymous with a responsible, worry free, empowered lifestyle.

It was in my teen years that I was beginning to realize that my outlook on the world was more than a touch off-center. Junior high school paired me with my soon-to-be best friend who also questioned convention on a regular basis. It was once we became close friends and began having profound conversations about how sheep-like people were that we both began to comprehend and embrace our respective geniuses.

Ready, set, scalpel...

Just as I was approaching the age of 14, I realized that I was already leaning seriously toward the idea of a vasectomy. Some might call that "premature elimination," but not me. There is a vas defrens between premature elimination and what I am explaining here (insert laugh).

Imagine my mother’s surprise when I told her I wanted a vasectomy as my 15^th birthday present. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am the only person to ever request this procedure unprovoked-and at such a tender age. The way I figured, I could permanently take the idea of unexpected pregnancy out of the equation and get to work on my plot to court the entire cheerleading squad…of every school in the county. And this was all before ever stumbling upon the brilliant idea that I could freeze a sample of my DNA before permanently shutting off the faucet and turning my pubescent back on the idea of ever procreating.

With me so far?

Don’t feel bad that it is all starting to make sense-that’s the idea. Just give in to it (making shoulder massage motion with hands).

Of course, my mother declined my proposal (even though it was accompanied by a very compelling PowerPoint presentation) and I was sent out into the wild new world of horny teenage females with a loaded, fully-automatic reproductive system.

Fast forward 10 years and a few high school cheerleaders.

I was riding in my car the other day thinking about how awful my luck is and how the universe so often seems to be working against me, when I began attempting to put a positive spin on my situation (something I learned from an eternally optimistic ex-factor of mine). About six seconds into my internal psychiatry session I realized my luck was actually pretty decent. All of the stuff that had gone tragically wrong in my life was all forgiven with one redeeming thought: I was in my mid-twenties and single with no kids. That’s exactly where I always wanted to be.

Here comes the fun part where it all starts to hit home for everyone.

Fellas, think about the biggest nightmare of a chick you have ever “two become one” with. You know, that ugly, trashy, mentally-unbalanced, jealous, uneducated, unemployed, burnout that was awful in the sack and you later found out was addicted to blow? For some, there is more than one of these chicks on the ol’ resume, but stay with me. You two were a train wreck together. It was circumstance that brought you two into each other’s lives (well, circumstance and vodka...cheap vodka). It was convenient for a while, but definitely went on a few months longer than it should have. Fortunately, you two broke it off and she has moved on to dating her weed dealer. Take a deep breath. Can you smell that? That’s right, it is called freedom. Smells so lovely, don’t you agree?

(cue “Freedom” by George Michael)

Now, what if you had accidentally impregnated that coke monkey ex-girlfriend of yours? Sadly, this tragic tale is a reality for some. For that, I am sincerely apologetic. For the rest, consider yourselves the luckiest men in the world. We all get a new lease on life. Now, if we ever do have that chance encounter with Jessica Alba, we are free to take her home (save your money guys, she’s actually rubbish in the bag. What can I say…she liked my swagger).

On a less tragic level, think to yourself what scares you the most about sex. First, you need to be responsible and make sure that each party’s medical charts are coming back clean. Once you have ruled that stuff out, what else is there to worry about? Not pregnancy. Not any longer. Vasectomies free everyone up to focus on the task at hand (and by “hand,” I mean “pelvis”).

Women everywhere are probably angry that I am systematically dismantling their laundry list of excuses for declining sex. I’m sorry, I’m not sorry. I guess this means you ladies are going to have to average quite a few more headaches than you have in the past. What else do you all really have left to go on?

Now, is anyone starting to like the idea of getting a vasectomy? Of course you are. You owe it to the people who screwed their one and only lives by not taking advantage. 10 years from now, this idea will be the norm. School nurses will be performing this procedure on teenage boys during study halls nationwide and no one will ever think twice about it. Not only is vasectomy the best idea ever invented, it should be the law!

Honestly, if you could have a surgery that eliminates all chances of conceiving a child unexpectedly, why would you NOT opt for it-especially when you can freeze a DNA sample beforehand that allows for creating a family when the time is right? Seriously, to get pregnant, you would have to make a sober, cold-blooded, clear-headed appointment with your doctor. Can anyone find a drawback? It’s OUTPATIENT surgery for balls’ sake.

I just recently saw a study showing that children on average cost $300,000 before they turn 18. The national average says people have 2.3 kids per household. This means a preemptive/adolescent vasectomy (which shall now be referred to as a “Todd is a genius-ectomy”) could save the average household $645,000 or somewhere thereabout. Sounds like a fair trade for a small co-pay and one night of sitting on a bag of frozen peas. How is this sounding to you cash-strapped parents during this recession?

Here comes some more good news: there is still time. Every day presents yet another opportunity for all of us guys to hit the stirrups. This is still in the beginning stages, but I am seeing visions of traveling vans that make this as easy as giving blood. In addition, I am overcome with T-shirt ideas for the first “Todd is a genius-ectomy” drive.

Mandatory sperm donations and vasectomies for all guys once they reach the age to donate. It’s so simple. So beautiful. I feel like I just discovered electricity.

Am I missing anything?

Hopefully, I am not overlooking any pitfalls in my haste to share this idea with the world. If you are about to play the “Barbaric” card, please remember that doctors chop off the foreskin of most dudes about and hour after we exit the womb. To me, a vasectomy is far less barbaric than circumcision.

Still no objections? Anybody?

One of my friends told me that it now makes sense to get a vasectomy because he is married and they are finished having children. I told him that this is exactly the type of short-sighted behavior that compelled me to pen this opus.

It makes no sense to wait to eliminate any chance of accidental pregnancy until you have found your one and only soul-mate. It seems you would want the faucet turned off UNTIL you meet the one that you are contractually bound to for life and okay with the idea of impregnating.

For those of you who kick yourself every single day for accidentally knocking up a woman and getting trapped in a loveless relationship, I apologize for taking so long to realize this idea and post this entry.

To be honest, I know exactly why my friend that I spoke of above said what he said. The idea that I am presenting makes perfect since, but he is unable to wrap his mind around it because it is not what has customarily been done for the last several hundred years…WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY I BLOG. Just because things are customarily done a certain way DOES NOT mean that way is right. Nor does it mean all other ideas are wrong or “The Devil” as I am sometimes told. Wake up people. Stop drinking the Kool-Aid.

I just single-handedly:

1 – solved the overpopulation crisis (That whole “Baby Boom” thing would have never happened on my watch. Moreover, Social Security would still be thriving and a viable option for generations to come. )

2 – avoided numerous abortion arguments

3 – lowered the number of abused and neglected children due to unwanted pregnancies

4 – lowered the world’s crime rate---since abused and neglected children are statistically shown to have a higher potentiality for having a criminal future (Levitt 2003, pp. 137-138)

Does all of this make me eligible for the Nobel Peace Prize? If so, I’d put money on yours truly leaving with the trophy.

The only drawback coming to me currently is that, if needed, we guys couldn’t “pull the goalie” like a woman who lies about being on the pill to get intentionally impregnated by an NBA player. Before deciding to blaze the trail of this new movement, I was hoping to pull the male equivalent on Kate Beckinsale when the day comes that we finally meet outside of Facebook. I have not as of yet crafted a suitable name for the male version of this tactic. Please email me with suggestions. I am drawing blanks. Soon, I hope to be shooting them too.

You’re welcome.

Todd (AKA “Snip Doggy Dogg”)

[Levitt, Steven D. Freakonomics. William Morrow, April 12, 2005.]

Cake: Not just for birthdays.

I love cake. Who else loves cake? Well, the question was rhetorical, but kudos to those of you who actually held your hands up like I was your 5^th grade teacher. Class is back in session…

A couple of days ago, I was in the Bakery department at a pompous, overpriced neighborhood grocery store. I am no stranger to this particular location as it is near my apartment. Every other week or so I bring home one of those small, two-person birthday cakes to eat. Every time I buy a cake, the person packaging it for me will ask me if I would like any text written on the pastry. I always imagine that everyone enjoys less work, so I say “No thank you. That is not necessary-unless for some reason you want the practice. I am just going to take it home and eat it.” This response always garners a laugh from the baker. It seems I am the only guy who ever just comes in and buys a cake without any special occasion prompting it. By that logic, they should just slap “Happy Birthday” or “Congrats Grad” on each of them before placing them in the display case. Butchers never ask me if I want to dedicate my chicken breasts to any certain occasion.

Seriously, cake tastes amazing. The thing that sucks is that I only attend about 8 events a year where cake is traditionally served. Look, my social life is not exactly booming, alright. Given this information, this means in a non-leap year, I would be going without cake 357 days of the year. 97.8 percent of the time, I would be without the pleasure of this delicious delight. I have taken a stand and decided to rectify this preposterous statistic by taking home a small cake every week or so and devouring it while watching Big Idea. “Cake: The New Popcorn.” I am still playing with the slogan, but I think I am on to something. Maybe I change the game and start bringing cake to dinner parties in place of wine. Who knows? The possibilities are endless. I always enjoy stabbing a knife through the heart of convention.

And whilst I am thinking about it, where do these pastry chefs get off passing judgment on me? Is it that it’s a 2-person cake? Does it look like a bachelor thing? There is no shame in being single and there is no shame in loving cake. At least I only buy a small one. I will be the first to admit that my mind often wonders if I can consume a standard size cake all by myself in one sitting. One day I just may try for the sport of it. I wonder what the chef will say about that. I don’t make fun of this particular employee’s overbite or weight problem, so why is she popping off at me?

I am tired of the stigma involving cakes. They are not simply for birthdays and weddings. Lately, I am finding that there are many more occasions that call for cake than even I had previously imagined. For instance, there are “I Did Not Choke My Boss Today Even Though He Deserved It” cakes, “Five More Days Until The Weekend” cakes, “I Finally Did The Dishes For The Second Time In The Last Three Months” cakes and many more.

I used to date this girl (it didn’t work out) and she would always be shocked when I would unpack my RE-USABLE grocery bag after a trip to the store. That night’s dinner would always come out…followed by a random 2-person cake, sans text. She would always ask me what the occasion was. I would say something like “Because we are having sex tonight…if you act right.” Eventually, she came around (to the idea that if I went to the grocery store I was coming back with a cake no matter what, not so much to the idea of Humpty Hump).

People don’t stop often enough to think about how great cake is. The major reason why is because we do not have the pleasure of enjoying it very often. Out of sight, out of mind.

Do yourself a favor; next time you are at the store bring home a cake. Let the size be determined by how many people you have in your household. You and your party will not be disappointed. At first, people will ask all about the occasion and the other crap that I touched on above. With time, the questions fade and all you are left with is delicious cake for no reason about 50 extra times a year.

You’re welcome.

Tomorrow, when I am in the bakery and the pastry chef asks me if I want anything written on my cake, I am going to reply “Tuesday.”

-Todd

Hate marriage, love weddings.

Strange title, huh? It’s sort of hard to explain. Well, actually, it’s easy to explain, but it may be hard for some people to comprehend. You see, I think marriage is unrealistic and very outdated for today’s society (and by “today’s society,” I mean “me”). The reasons for which I find marriage to be unrealistic are too numerous to list and probably a separate column entirely. That being said, I LOVE WEDDINGS!

For some reason, weddings are one of only two events that people have enough respect for to sacrifice one (or eight) of their beautiful summer weekends. Funerals are the other event people will put their lives on hold for, but they pale in comparison to weddings because you don’t typically have music or vodka at a funeral (until I change the game with mine). Anyway, these two occasions are the only times when all of my friends actually get together at the same place and time. Don’t believe me? All of my guy friends (5 out of 7) backed out of a “Guys Only” trip to VEGAS last year, but we are all scheduled to appear at a friend’s wedding next summer (and you know all 7 of us will be there). This makes no sense to me, but it is what it is. Weddings only last until the nearly inevitable divorce. Memories from a "Guys Only" trip to VEGAS last forever.

So, maybe I don't actually like weddings; I just like hanging out with my friends-and weddings are the only times all of my friends get together simultaneously.

(TANGENT: If everyone shows up for a funeral, it seems everyone would also show up when and if that same person brought a child into the world but this never seems to be the case. Why is attendance so low when people are having children, but so high when people die? That seems backwards to me. Moreover, attendance at births and deaths should both rate above weddings. Life and death seem a little (and by “a little” I mean “exponentially”) more worthy of celebration than the signing of some contract that only has a 49% chance of surviving from the jump off. Granted, hospitals are not built to accommodate enormous parties for everyone giving birth, but I think massive celebrations should ensue at reception venues after the moms and newborns have been out of the hospital for a couple of weeks. Let's get this tradition started.)

Now, back to the regularly scheduled program...

In the spirit of Wedding Season, I want to touch on a few things that I have noticed over the years that have finally become too much for me to ignore.

1) WHITE PEOPLE ARE HILARIOUS – We Caucasians can slow dance with the best of them. Granted, we are the only ones slow dancing Ballroom-style, but we get the job done regardless. However, when “Unforgettable” ends and the tempo on the dance floor cranks up past 60 Beats Per Minute, everything goes straight to hell. Inevitably, all of the white folks on the dance floor will create a large circular formation and sway back and forth while clapping and looking at one another. Then, the guy who has had one too many Jack and Tabs will jump into the middle of the circle and do something stupid, causing mass “woo-ing” from those swaying and clapping around the perimeter. I have no idea why the big circle forms, or why someone always jumps into the middle of it, but either way, at a wedding reception with more than 30 white people-these two things are as safe a bet as death and taxes; and I find them both to be absolutely hysterical.

2) THE WORM DANCE – While we are on the topic of white people dancing at weddings, I need to touch on the topic of The Worm Dance. For the uninitiated, The Worm Dance was the climax of the last wedding reception you attended, when everyone lost their mind because they thought "the worm guy" was Michael Jackson (circa 1986). Or, if I was at that same reception, The Worm Dance was what was happening just before I pulled that one guy up off of the floor, open-handedly slapped him and pulled the plug on the DJ rig, dragging the party to a screeching halt.

This Worm Dance phenomenon is the thing that prompted this blog. I honestly do not believe that anything makes me as angry as seeing this ridiculous demonstration. The funny part is that “the worm guy” is always some D-Bag that cannot dance at all. He just holds up the wall all night watching and waiting for the perfect time to unveil the stupidest thing anyone has ever seen (which he has somehow mistaken for being awesome). Then, when the time is just wrong, he will run out into the middle of everyone, lie on his chest and start spasm-ing all over the dance floor. The fact that he does it makes me livid. The fact that people cheer makes me enraged.

If you still have no idea what I am talking about, I have no choice but to refer you to this unfortunate footage:

We need to stop encouraging this Worm exhibition so it will go away. If we keep cheering, these people will keep ruining the party for their 7 seconds of douchebaggery (which some mistakenly refer to as “fame”).

From now on, I am requesting that we BOOOOOOOOOO the hell out of the next person who pulls this move out at any event. If all 200 people at the event point and Booooooo “the worm guy,” the mere shock should scar him enough to discourage him from attempting the stunt ever again.

Remember, we ALL need to BOO the next d-bag we see doing The Worm Dance. I really need your cooperation on this. Together everyone achieves more.

3) SWEET HOME ALABAMA – Staying with the wedding reception theme, there is one more matter than needs my immediate attention. NO ONE cares that the name of your city or state fits into the chorus of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama.” I have heard enough “Sweet Home INDIANA” in my lifetime that I have no choice but to put an end to it. Trust me; it is not nearly as original, creative or witty as you people seem to be leading on. This unfortunate incident has occurred at EVERY wedding I have ever attended, so the word is officially out-and the joke is officially over.

4) YOU HAVE GOT TO BE GIFTING ME – I laugh and cry simultaneously when I see people bringing gifts to the actual reception venue. Now, with the advent of the interweb, we can shop gift registries online. That very same online registry tool allows us to point, click and effortlessly mail a gift to the Bride and Groom in a matter of seconds.

Seriously people, think it through. After 1948, people stopped opening gifts at the actual reception itself. It is not a birthday party. All of the unwrapping is done weeks later after the honeymoon. Thus, any gifts brought on the day of the wedding have to be lugged in (by you, 6 blocks, in a suit, in 90 degree weather), dealt with by the wedding coordinator and then carried out by someone else at the end of the night. And then eventually taken to the Bride and Groom’s home (where you should have had it delivered in the first freaking place). Seriously, you can either pay the USPS $3.00 to do the work, or you can inconvenience yourself, the wedding coordinator, the parents of the married couple and the actual Bride and Groom. Enough is enough.

When you bring a gift to a wedding reception, a few things happen. One, you look like you have never heard of the internet. Two, the wedding coordinator secretly (or not so secretly) wants to choke you because now she has to find a place to sit your enormous Crate & Barrel box. Third, since it is so much faster and easier to order a gift online, you in-store shoppers generally get stuck choosing from those last two or three items on the registry. These items are inevitably “3-Bin Laundry Sorter” and “Giant Stainless Steel Trash Can.” When you walk in with a huge silver bullet trash can it’s always easy to tell what gift you bought, even though you did a killer wrap job on it. And yes, people are laughing and making fun of you for waiting so long and getting stuck with the trash can. Internet people, internet. Everyone will thank you.

5) WEDDING DRESS CODE – Yes, your cargo shorts are adorable and so is your Harley Davidson T-shirt. A wedding, however, is neither the time nor the place to display them. I am not saying a suit is necessarily always required, but please wear something at least business casual. Dress pants, button-up shirts TUCKED IN and shoes that would hurt your feet if you played basketball in them will work just fine. If you are physically uncomfortable in your outfit, you are probably right where you need to be.

6) MAID OF HONOR TOAST – Holy balls these are as boring and predictable as any speech ever could be. We realize you have known the Bride for a long time (especially if you are related). Mrs. Bride probably would not have picked someone she just met while getting her oil changed to occupy the MOH position (oil change friends are always ushers). Also, the Bride did not have a “different look in her eye” when you saw her for the first time after she met the guy who would later become the Groom. We know this is a lie because no one has ever had ANY type of “look in their eye.” The only thing in your eye is your eye. Period. That line is now off limits.

PLEASE keep it to just one female toast. The MOH speech is boring enough. Even the friends and family of the girl giving the MOH toast can’t wait until it ends so the funny speech (Best Man) can finally begin.

You girls should be ashamed of yourselves. The Best Men have been embarrassing you for decades. You have ALL been officially called out. Step your respective freaking games up.

7) WEDDING DJs ARE HORRID – Just because everyone else hires some old, bald goofball with a rented tuxedo that looks like he is channeling Steve Martin in “Father of the Bride” does not mean you have to follow suit (pun intended).

And, the thing that kills me is how much people overpay for these cheese balls. Any moron can dress poorly and play “Celebration,” “We Are Family” and “The Cha Cha Slide.” How many of these old geezers do you see DJing in actual nightclubs where you are required to have actual Djing skills? Zero. Precisely my point. So, why would you hire someone’s Grandfather to rock a reception of 20 and 30 year olds? You’ll be lucky if he stays awake the whole time.

I demand that we all start demanding more from the wedding DJs. I suggest hiring the young, fun people at www.TenaciousDJs.com. I know the owner quite well. They do great work. You and your guests will thank me later.

You’re welcome.

-The Todd